I can't do it anymore

I just had a breakdown in my bed going to sleep. I'm gay, I'm actually gay. I have no more hope. I started feeling "precum?" in my penis and I had to go pee because I was aroused to guys. I think about a guy, I obviously try to brush the thought off and deny it, but I've finally got to the point where I can't do it. It's over, my life is over. I'm gay and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel so aroused and everything, it's all real, it's always been real. I was looking for ways to deny it. It's impossible that it's OCD. I'm 100% sure. I'm severely depressed right now l, crying and not knowing what to do. I might go insane. I'm done.

I'm sorry for spamming the forum, I can't handle this. I can't accept it and I don't know why. Homophobia, fear of society, probably all of it mixed up. I tried accepting it, letting myself into the thoughts, and what I found was that I'm gay and had the worst breakdown yet.

I've been ignoring everything pretty well for the past year and didn't have too many episodes like this. But it's over now, it's not going back. I'm gay. I'm desperate for someoke to tell me they had it the same and that they felt real feelings and everything and that it turned out to be OCD. But it's not possible. I don't know what to do now, I feel like everything is pointless. What do I do...

hocdsufferer wrote: I'm desperate for someoke to tell me they had it the same and that they felt real feelings and everything and that it turned out to be OCD.

But what would that do for you really except provide reassurance making you feel better until the next spike? The truth is if it didn't feel real then there would be nothing to obsess over. It's called misattribution of arousal. Anxiety enhances otherwise benign feelings, blowing them up x 1,000. If you're thinking about gay stuff 24/7 you will get aroused to it if you try hard enough. Doesn't mean anything.

My hocd has been on and off for over a decade. And you know what? I still don't have an answer. But the only thing that ever worked was giving up on having to have an answer! It wasn't until I went on medication that I was able to get out of the obsessive thinking patterns and say f**k it, I don't care. Then my attraction to men magically began to come back. Something I thought was long gone.

It really comes down to being diligent with yourself and STOP engaging in analyzing because it will get you absolutely nowhere. Stay away from forums for a while. If you get the urge to test or analyze tell yourself you can later in the day and designate some time to figure out obsession X, Y, or Z. Then move on with your day. Chances are you'll forget what you were even spiking over earlier.

Have some self love and just do what's best for you in the OCD sense, which you already know but clearly aren't doing (no offense). Best advice I can give honestly.

WorriedG287 wrote:

hocdsufferer wrote: I'm desperate for someoke to tell me they had it the same and that they felt real feelings and everything and that it turned out to be OCD.

But what would that do for you really except provide reassurance making you feel better until the next spike? The truth is if it didn't feel real then there would be nothing to obsess over. It's called misattribution of arousal. Anxiety enhances otherwise benign feelings, blowing them up x 1,000. If you're thinking about gay stuff 24/7 you will get aroused to it if you try hard enough. Doesn't mean anything.

My hocd has been on and off for over a decade. And you know what? I still don't have an answer. But the only thing that ever worked was giving up on having to have an answer! It wasn't until I went on medication that I was able to get out of the obsessive thinking patterns and say f**k it, I don't care. Then my attraction to men magically began to come back. Something I thought was long gone.

It really comes down to being diligent with yourself and STOP engaging in analyzing because it will get you absolutely nowhere. Stay away from forums for a while. If you get the urge to test or analyze tell yourself you can later in the day and designate some time to figure out obsession X, Y, or Z. Then move on with your day. Chances are you'll forget what you were even spiking over earlier.

Have some self love and just do what's best for you in the OCD sense, which you already know but clearly aren't doing (no offense). Best advice I can give honestly.

Thanks for your reply.
I understand that if it didn't feel real it wouldn't be an issue. But most people know "deep down" that it's an obsession and nothing more.
I just had another moment like that where I was 100% sure I was really attracted to a guy. Right now I want to ignore it and forget about it just to deny it. But I can't just keep ignoring it forever and it won't make it not real.
Sometimes I feel okay for very short amounts of time where I don't really think about it and I like to think I'm into girls and feel happy. But as soon as I think of or see a guy the reality hits me in the face.
I don't know, it's just that I haven't seen anyone so convinced that they are gay by OCD yet.
I know I'm spamming the forum with the same stuff and looking for reassurance, but it's the only place I can do it when I'm literally going crazy. Sorry.

hocdsufferer wrote:

WorriedG287 wrote:

hocdsufferer wrote: I'm desperate for someoke to tell me they had it the same and that they felt real feelings and everything and that it turned out to be OCD.

But what would that do for you really except provide reassurance making you feel better until the next spike? The truth is if it didn't feel real then there would be nothing to obsess over. It's called misattribution of arousal. Anxiety enhances otherwise benign feelings, blowing them up x 1,000. If you're thinking about gay stuff 24/7 you will get aroused to it if you try hard enough. Doesn't mean anything.

My hocd has been on and off for over a decade. And you know what? I still don't have an answer. But the only thing that ever worked was giving up on having to have an answer! It wasn't until I went on medication that I was able to get out of the obsessive thinking patterns and say f**k it, I don't care. Then my attraction to men magically began to come back. Something I thought was long gone.

It really comes down to being diligent with yourself and STOP engaging in analyzing because it will get you absolutely nowhere. Stay away from forums for a while. If you get the urge to test or analyze tell yourself you can later in the day and designate some time to figure out obsession X, Y, or Z. Then move on with your day. Chances are you'll forget what you were even spiking over earlier.

Have some self love and just do what's best for you in the OCD sense, which you already know but clearly aren't doing (no offense). Best advice I can give honestly.

Thanks for your reply.
I understand that if it didn't feel real it wouldn't be an issue. But most people know "deep down" that it's an obsession and nothing more.
I just had another moment like that where I was 100% sure I was really attracted to a guy. Right now I want to ignore it and forget about it just to deny it. But I can't just keep ignoring it forever and it won't make it not real.
Sometimes I feel okay for very short amounts of time where I don't really think about it and I like to think I'm into girls and feel happy. But as soon as I think of or see a guy the reality hits me in the face.
I don't know, it's just that I haven't seen anyone so convinced that they are gay by OCD yet.
I know I'm spamming the forum with the same stuff and looking for reassurance, but it's the only place I can do it when I'm literally going crazy. Sorry.

You said "But most people know "deep down" that it's an obsession and nothing more" but that is not always the case. The work "know" is a little hard to apply to OCD, because all knowledge can be doubted. If we all knew deep down that we weren't what we fear, this would not be an issue. We may have an idea, but we doubt that idea, and I do not know whether we can really call that knowledge. Moreover, it really depends on how you define knowledge. If you are an empiricist, it is all about what you observe. If you are a rationalist, it is all about how you rationalize it. Philosophers still cannot agree on what knowledge is, and they do not have OCD. You and I do, so personally, I just bracket that question. I do not believe I am gay, but I have no way of knowing that, and it is okay.

You said "Sometimes I feel okay for very short amounts of time where I don't really think about it and I like to think I'm into girls and feel happy. But as soon as I think of or see a guy the reality hits me in the face" which seems to indicate that at times where the OCD does not bother you, you are back to your normal self. The biggest thing that kept me from accepting that I have depression was that at times, I laughed or smiled. This is you with OCD. You have ok times where you feel normal, so you start doubting that you have OCD, and in turn, start questioning if you are gay.

You also said "I don't know, it's just that I haven't seen anyone so convinced that they are gay by OCD yet" but anyone who has suffered, at times, has been convinced. Hell, I was. There was a dude around here back in 2015 I think, his name was Eric Dave, the man was convinced he was gay. Some others are convinced they are pedophiles. Other are sure they are serial killers. Doubt can convince people of anything, but it never lasts.

Just accept the feelings you have, and move on. Quit testing yourself, I know it is not easy. Set a timer, that is how I did it. First it was an hour. Then three. Then a day. Now I barely check the forums, unless I relapse, like now. Quit checking porn too, anyone can masturbate over anything, you are not going to figure your sexuality by masturbating to porn. In fact, lay off masturbating for a while, but be careful to not let it become an avoidance mechanism. I made that mistake and was afraid to masturbate. Forgot what it feels like to orgasm. I am better now, started doing it again, and it feels great. You can do this, but just do it in small steps. Build up to it. Start a hobby that is exciting enough to keep you away from your obsessions. Postpone the thoughts if you have to. It is all in your hands bro.