Denial or hOCD. Dont know anymore

Hi! Sorry for not responding. Thought I would got an email notification.

First of all. Stop watching porn. In all your post I see you testing and seeking reassurance in porn etc. You just make yourself crazy.

Is it possible for you to describe those "true feelings" cause getting aroused doesn't count as "real feelings" imo (not to reassure or spike you, real feelings means a crush to me).

Talk with your parents about it! I know you did before but try again. No need for you to suffer alone! Just have a good talk and explain how you feel about everything. Like you do on the forums here!

And like fidelio said. Search for a good therapist! You just said there's free health care where you live so there should be some nearby! Just like in my country! European Union heujj. I've also made an appointment for next week! And told my mum everything about it, really everything. Porn arousal take attraction etc. And to be honest. It felt very good to talk about it.

Just a short about myself:
Sort of came to terms that I have these thoughts. Still don't really like them. The big axienty is mostly gone through the day. Hardest parts are waking up, going to sleep and sleeping itself. Been trying to do more stuff outside the house ( just lost 200 in the casinos, good distraction :p) I mostly have doubt. Don't know what I really am. Gay, straight, bi or even asexual. Still checking to much on the streets etc, buts it's like an automatic pilot. Very hard to stop.

@hocdsufferer I hope you have a good night of sleep. Believe me, talk tomorrow first thing with your parents about it. Don't be scared and just explain! It will help you!

Braincanbeweird wrote:Hi! Sorry for not responding. Thought I would got an email notification.

First of all. Stop watching porn. In all your post I see you testing and seeking reassurance in porn etc. You just make yourself crazy.

Is it possible for you to describe those "true feelings" cause getting aroused doesn't count as "real feelings" imo (not to reassure or spike you, real feelings means a crush to me).

Talk with your parents about it! I know you did before but try again. No need for you to suffer alone! Just have a good talk and explain how you feel about everything. Like you do on the forums here!

And like fidelio said. Search for a good therapist! You just said there's free health care where you live so there should be some nearby! Just like in my country! European Union heujj. I've also made an appointment for next week! And told my mum everything about it, really everything. Porn arousal take attraction etc. And to be honest. It felt very good to talk about it.

Just a short about myself:
Sort of came to terms that I have these thoughts. Still don't really like them. The big axienty is mostly gone through the day. Hardest parts are waking up, going to sleep and sleeping itself. Been trying to do more stuff outside the house ( just lost 200 in the casinos, good distraction :p) I mostly have doubt. Don't know what I really am. Gay, straight, bi or even asexual. Still checking to much on the streets etc, buts it's like an automatic pilot. Very hard to stop.

@hocdsufferer I hope you have a good night of sleep. Believe me, talk tomorrow first thing with your parents about it. Don't be scared and just explain! It will help you!

Thanks for answering.

By true feelings, I mean an urge to touch a guy, kiss a guy, being intimate with a guy. I imagine touching his body, or I see a picture only in their underwear and I start feeling this strong feeling of arousal, I think (I feel like I add things like "I think" at the end of sentences to make it sound not so real). And I just try to deny it and brush it off like it didn't happen. I always had this since the beginning, but I kind of ignored it easier, but now it's different. It feels even more real than ever before. As I said before, I don't usually get an erection on guys, but the feeling of attraction/arousal feels way stronger than that and also the groinal response is strong. The feeling in my penis is as if I'm on the edge of cumming, even though I have no boner.
I do get an erection towards girls, but it doesn't feel that "strong" of a feeling.

When I ignore everything and distract myself, I feel normal, and I forget about the "gay" thing for a short while. But whenever I think of a guy or see a guy I remember, and it always gives me these feelings. I really feel like they are too real to not be true. Trust me, it feels even more real than what I'm writing will sound. I'm trying to make it sound not so harsh, just so you could reassure me. But I know I am gay/bi and I really don't know what to do.

Seriously, just by thinking how seeing a top-less guy makes me feel, I know I'm just denying everything. But I can't accept it. Right now, I'm going to music festival and I can see how there will be these handsome guys that will trigger me and I will freak out. And I think about how other guys will probably be chasing girls and I won't be able to do that, because I'm not attracted by them and I will only not chase guys because I'm in denial.

I seriously don't know whether I'm going insane and my mind is playing with me so hard that it became reality for me. Or I'm simply in denial since the beginning and I was looking for ways to deny it with OCD and everything.

I just went and looked up pictures of "handsome men" and it's unbelievable what an urge it gives me to touch the guy and do something to him. I didn't get an erection, but the feeling in my penis and my feelings overall are just jsetouidghsdiloruxhudrtilog. The longer I look, the stronger it gets.
Then I went on and looked up pictures of "sexy girls" and I got an erection, even though I didn't feel that strong of an attraction towards them. I feel like I just have "muscle memory" because I always masturbated to stuff with girls in it and I don't actually get an erection because of arousal, but because of muscle memory.
I'm going ######6 crazy.

Hi guys! Another update for the people who are interested.

I think it's getting worse. Like I don't know what's going on. Everything starts to feel real. I can see attractive guys and really think I "like" them. Less then I do with woman. But if I think about gay sex with myself included I have gagging reflexes like 8 out of 10 times. Don't know if it's because I want to find I gross or if I really find it gross.

I've also tried to watch gay porn... I know I shouldn't do that but I couldn't resist. I just watch thumbnails and again had some of the worst gagging reflexes. But still, don't know if I wanted the reflexes or really got the reflexes.

Last night I went smoking with a buddy of mine and I kept getting the thoughts like "I want to kiss him" over and over again. Kinda messed me up. Not like a super anxious state but more like really confused and I coudlnt get it out of my head.

Also one of my biggest questions is what does your guys anxiety feels like? I see lots of extreme causes and i don't think I have those. I just have the gagging reflexes and if I let myself fade away in an intrusive thought my breath goes way quicker and I'll get a "pressure" feeling in my lower chest.

A drunk friend of mine was "grinding" yesterday and I didn't know if I did find it uncomfortable or enjoyable. It got me rather confused.

I talked a lot about I with my mum but she says she doesn't think I'm gay. But if I was I was really good in hiding it.

Next Monday I have an appointment with my doctor. Hope he can give me some clarity.

Thank you for reading!

Hi guys,

Just a small update;

Tomorrow I have my first appointment with a shrink. I'm pretty excited and scared to see him. Wonder what he has to say.

The more I analyse the thought I start to think that I had these thoughts before. That makes me think I'm gay but I'm not sure. Just don't like the idea of being with a man. My big anxiety is mostly gone. Just have some small spikes. I notice that I anticipate a lot. Scared for what may be happening but actually doesn't happen. Trouble concentrating in school and can't enjoy hanging out with my friends. My mind is thinking about begin gay and gay images 24/7. When I try to think about a girl it gets disturbed by the image of a man. I don't believe I had that in my younger years. Everyday my mind let's me think I have a crush on someone else. Sometimes even up to 3 to 4 different guys a day.

Last 3 days I didn't wake up with the gay thoughts. But after 20mins I notice that I don't think about the thoughts. Right after that moment my mind goes crazy in analyse modus. It's really disturbing and I do not enjoy life at the moment.


I'm hoping you guys will share your experiences as well.

Braincanbeweird wrote:I didn't wake up with the gay thoughts. But after 20mins I notice that I don't think about the thoughts. Right after that moment my mind goes crazy in analyse modus.

Me every morning. I realise that I forgot about it for just a little while, but then I think of a guy and I instantly know that I'm gay again...

Hi guys,

The appointment went really well. Wasn't scared to talk about everything that is going on in my head. He ask me immediately about medication use. ( I went to him before for GAD and obsessive thoughts). Also he said that exposure therapy should help. But because I've watched gayporn and immediately got gagging reflexes it might not be the best way.

But still I'm not convinced at all. Thought are still strong and really annoying. Only when I play video games the thoughts are mostly gone. I hope the therapy will help. I'll update when I feel better.

Braincanbeweird wrote:Hi guys,

The appointment went really well. Wasn't scared to talk about everything that is going on in my head. He ask me immediately about medication use. ( I went to him before for GAD and obsessive thoughts). Also he said that exposure therapy should help. But because I've watched gayporn and immediately got gagging reflexes it might not be the best way.

But still I'm not convinced at all. Thought are still strong and really annoying. Only when I play video games the thoughts are mostly gone. I hope the therapy will help. I'll update when I feel better.

The fact that you gag if you see gay porn is enough to know you are not gay, man. I don't get that at all. But that's because I am actually gay.