hocdsufferer wrote:Nobody even answers my posts anymore because they see that I don't belong on the OCD forum, but on the sexuality one. I can't live like this, I'm an encloseted homophobe in denial and I will never be able to accept myself.
Nobody is answering your posts because you’re entangled in obsessive and ruminating thoughts. I saw your post on reddit. You didn’t post in the OCD sub, you posted in the sex subreddit, so I don’t know what you expected. Even then, there were plenty of people, a majority, I might add, telling you that you have OCD, yet you sunk your teeth into the one reply that barely hinted at bisexuality.
Obviously, I, nor anyone else on this forum, can diagnose you with anything, just as we cannot tell you your sexuality. Whether or not you have OCD is something you need to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist for. As for your sexuality, this is something that only you know.
I have OCD, and the obsession that I’ve had for the last 9 months has been about my sexual orientation. I’ve been convinced that I was gay. I was convinced that I had gynoandromorphophilia, I was sure that perhaps I only like guys who look like women. Then muscular guys. Then I was convinced that I wanted to be the guy dressed as a woman. I’ve checked with gay porn. I’ve checked with straight porn. I’ve had sex with women just to reassure myself. I’ve stopped masturbating because it became a threatening activity. I’ve contemplated suicide. Hell, I burned my thighs with cigarettes during my loops. I get what you’re going through, and I’ve been there. I still am there, just much less so than I was before.
I can tell you one thing though, that’s for sure. If I didn’t get a psychologist when I did back in December, I wouldn’t be alive right now. I would have had one of my “loops” or breakdowns, I would’ve gone out and bought a gun because I live in America, and I would’ve blown my brains out. But that never happened because my psychologist worked with me, and made me understand that what I have is OCD. Do I know if for a fact? No. I could just be gay and in denial. Does this worry me? Sure, but not as much as before. But being gay is sure better than being dead. So I just live my life and see what happens. That’s life man. I could be hit by a car tomorrow, and suddenly doesn’t really matter if I am gay or straight, because, as you might imagine, I’d be dead.
I have a gf, I think I love her but I don’t know that for sure. We have sex. Am I faking it? I don’t know. I might be. Sometimes when we cuddle, I have a panic attack because I don’t have an erection. Does that mean I am gay? Maybe. Maybe not.
My point is that you have to stop caring to get out of this loop. You’ve been stuck in this for 3 years. You’re 20 or so. You got another 60 good years. Don’t let them be marred by this. Just go out and live your life, and if you do turn out to be gay, so what? You’ll find someone you love and care for? How awful, having a significant other that loves and cares about you. /s
Biggest thing that helped me was to stop checking forums and to stop posting everywhere. I was seeking reassurance, asking Snaga for his opinion, then imposing my opinion on his opinion, and then convincing myself that I am gay. I know that you think that if you ask enough, someone is going to give you an answer you find satisfactory, but that’s an illusion. It’s like heroin. You think you’ll get the same high you did the first time, but soon enough you find that you’re addicted, chasing the first high that you’ll never get. Because it doesn’t exist. Same with reassurance. You’re not going to find the perfect answer because it doesn’t exist. No answer is going to feel good enough or right. It’s a futile pursuit. Same with seeking stories of others. You’re not going to find the story that matches yours 100%. It’s a futile pursuit and you’re wasting your time.
Find a psychologist, figure out what’s going on. If they recommend you see a psychiatrist, see one, get meds, and start living your life.