Answer to my obsessions from the Sexuality forum

"Trying to be something that is against your nature is a road of pain and misery. Even if it is difficult to accept something momentous, it is better to not live in fear of it.

I saw a close family member nearly kill themselves denying that they weren't straight. They tried everything. Therapy, religion, OCD, and finally addiction. Don't walk that path."

I'm literally crying right now, I'm living in denial and can't accept being gay/bi. My life is ruined and I don't know what to do. It's over.

Just got a private message from the OCD forum aswell confirming it. They said I shouldn't be hard on myself because I'm bisexual and that they also like big dick from time to time even if they have a girlfriend. This triggered me even more, I'm 100% I'm gay/bi and I can't accept it and don't know what to do. Nobody with HOCD is like this. I am just in closet and severe denial.

hocdsufferer wrote:Just got a private message from the OCD forum aswell confirming it. They said I shouldn't be hard on myself because I'm bisexual and that they also like big dick from time to time even if they have a girlfriend. This triggered me even more, I'm 100% I'm gay/bi and I can't accept it and don't know what to do. Nobody with HOCD is like this. I am just in closet and severe denial.

I can see how being gay would be a problem considering well, women are awesome, but being bi wouldn't really affect your life with women. Some women might even find it a little hot, in the same way many guys find bi girls hot.

TML1991 wrote:

hocdsufferer wrote:Just got a private message from the OCD forum aswell confirming it. They said I shouldn't be hard on myself because I'm bisexual and that they also like big dick from time to time even if they have a girlfriend. This triggered me even more, I'm 100% I'm gay/bi and I can't accept it and don't know what to do. Nobody with HOCD is like this. I am just in closet and severe denial.

I can see how being gay would be a problem considering well, women are awesome, but being bi wouldn't really affect your life with women. Some women might even find it a little hot, in the same way many guys find bi girls hot.

I don't know, I just can't accept being even bisexual. I'm probably just an encloseted homophobe and I will forever be miserable

See, everybody thinks I am actually gay/bi and that I should accept it. Even people on this forum that usually say it sounds like OCD don't believe it. I seriously don't know what to do, I'm losing my mind. I'm in denial and trying to deny it using OCD, ignoring it, and every way possible, but I can't. I'm gay/bi and I will never be able to accept it. I feel depressed and cry and do everything in the same way that the guy over on the sexuality section of the forum told me their family member did and even tried killing themselves because they were in denial. Now I'm completely convinced that I am gay, I can't be more sure anymore and I really don't know what to do

Nobody even answers my posts anymore because they see that I don't belong on the OCD forum, but on the sexuality one. I can't live like this, I'm an encloseted homophobe in denial and I will never be able to accept myself.

If there is anyone with similar experience and it still turned out to not be real, please reach out to me. But there is no such person. It's literally impossible that I am straight. I seriously think so.

hocdsufferer wrote:Nobody even answers my posts anymore because they see that I don't belong on the OCD forum, but on the sexuality one. I can't live like this, I'm an encloseted homophobe in denial and I will never be able to accept myself.

Nobody is answering your posts because you’re entangled in obsessive and ruminating thoughts. I saw your post on reddit. You didn’t post in the OCD sub, you posted in the sex subreddit, so I don’t know what you expected. Even then, there were plenty of people, a majority, I might add, telling you that you have OCD, yet you sunk your teeth into the one reply that barely hinted at bisexuality.

Obviously, I, nor anyone else on this forum, can diagnose you with anything, just as we cannot tell you your sexuality. Whether or not you have OCD is something you need to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist for. As for your sexuality, this is something that only you know.

I have OCD, and the obsession that I’ve had for the last 9 months has been about my sexual orientation. I’ve been convinced that I was gay. I was convinced that I had gynoandromorphophilia, I was sure that perhaps I only like guys who look like women. Then muscular guys. Then I was convinced that I wanted to be the guy dressed as a woman. I’ve checked with gay porn. I’ve checked with straight porn. I’ve had sex with women just to reassure myself. I’ve stopped masturbating because it became a threatening activity. I’ve contemplated suicide. Hell, I burned my thighs with cigarettes during my loops. I get what you’re going through, and I’ve been there. I still am there, just much less so than I was before.

I can tell you one thing though, that’s for sure. If I didn’t get a psychologist when I did back in December, I wouldn’t be alive right now. I would have had one of my “loops” or breakdowns, I would’ve gone out and bought a gun because I live in America, and I would’ve blown my brains out. But that never happened because my psychologist worked with me, and made me understand that what I have is OCD. Do I know if for a fact? No. I could just be gay and in denial. Does this worry me? Sure, but not as much as before. But being gay is sure better than being dead. So I just live my life and see what happens. That’s life man. I could be hit by a car tomorrow, and suddenly doesn’t really matter if I am gay or straight, because, as you might imagine, I’d be dead.

I have a gf, I think I love her but I don’t know that for sure. We have sex. Am I faking it? I don’t know. I might be. Sometimes when we cuddle, I have a panic attack because I don’t have an erection. Does that mean I am gay? Maybe. Maybe not.

My point is that you have to stop caring to get out of this loop. You’ve been stuck in this for 3 years. You’re 20 or so. You got another 60 good years. Don’t let them be marred by this. Just go out and live your life, and if you do turn out to be gay, so what? You’ll find someone you love and care for? How awful, having a significant other that loves and cares about you. /s

Biggest thing that helped me was to stop checking forums and to stop posting everywhere. I was seeking reassurance, asking Snaga for his opinion, then imposing my opinion on his opinion, and then convincing myself that I am gay. I know that you think that if you ask enough, someone is going to give you an answer you find satisfactory, but that’s an illusion. It’s like heroin. You think you’ll get the same high you did the first time, but soon enough you find that you’re addicted, chasing the first high that you’ll never get. Because it doesn’t exist. Same with reassurance. You’re not going to find the perfect answer because it doesn’t exist. No answer is going to feel good enough or right. It’s a futile pursuit. Same with seeking stories of others. You’re not going to find the story that matches yours 100%. It’s a futile pursuit and you’re wasting your time.

Find a psychologist, figure out what’s going on. If they recommend you see a psychiatrist, see one, get meds, and start living your life.

fidelio520 wrote:

hocdsufferer wrote:Nobody even answers my posts anymore because they see that I don't belong on the OCD forum, but on the sexuality one. I can't live like this, I'm an encloseted homophobe in denial and I will never be able to accept myself.

Nobody is answering your posts because you’re entangled in obsessive and ruminating thoughts. I saw your post on reddit. You didn’t post in the OCD sub, you posted in the sex subreddit, so I don’t know what you expected. Even then, there were plenty of people, a majority, I might add, telling you that you have OCD, yet you sunk your teeth into the one reply that barely hinted at bisexuality.

Obviously, I, nor anyone else on this forum, can diagnose you with anything, just as we cannot tell you your sexuality. Whether or not you have OCD is something you need to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist for. As for your sexuality, this is something that only you know.

I have OCD, and the obsession that I’ve had for the last 9 months has been about my sexual orientation. I’ve been convinced that I was gay. I was convinced that I had gynoandromorphophilia, I was sure that perhaps I only like guys who look like women. Then muscular guys. Then I was convinced that I wanted to be the guy dressed as a woman. I’ve checked with gay porn. I’ve checked with straight porn. I’ve had sex with women just to reassure myself. I’ve stopped masturbating because it became a threatening activity. I’ve contemplated suicide. Hell, I burned my thighs with cigarettes during my loops. I get what you’re going through, and I’ve been there. I still am there, just much less so than I was before.

I can tell you one thing though, that’s for sure. If I didn’t get a psychologist when I did back in December, I wouldn’t be alive right now. I would have had one of my “loops” or breakdowns, I would’ve gone out and bought a gun because I live in America, and I would’ve blown my brains out. But that never happened because my psychologist worked with me, and made me understand that what I have is OCD. Do I know if for a fact? No. I could just be gay and in denial. Does this worry me? Sure, but not as much as before. But being gay is sure better than being dead. So I just live my life and see what happens. That’s life man. I could be hit by a car tomorrow, and suddenly doesn’t really matter if I am gay or straight, because, as you might imagine, I’d be dead.

I have a gf, I think I love her but I don’t know that for sure. We have sex. Am I faking it? I don’t know. I might be. Sometimes when we cuddle, I have a panic attack because I don’t have an erection. Does that mean I am gay? Maybe. Maybe not.

My point is that you have to stop caring to get out of this loop. You’ve been stuck in this for 3 years. You’re 20 or so. You got another 60 good years. Don’t let them be marred by this. Just go out and live your life, and if you do turn out to be gay, so what? You’ll find someone you love and care for? How awful, having a significant other that loves and cares about you. /s

Biggest thing that helped me was to stop checking forums and to stop posting everywhere. I was seeking reassurance, asking Snaga for his opinion, then imposing my opinion on his opinion, and then convincing myself that I am gay. I know that you think that if you ask enough, someone is going to give you an answer you find satisfactory, but that’s an illusion. It’s like heroin. You think you’ll get the same high you did the first time, but soon enough you find that you’re addicted, chasing the first high that you’ll never get. Because it doesn’t exist. Same with reassurance. You’re not going to find the perfect answer because it doesn’t exist. No answer is going to feel good enough or right. It’s a futile pursuit. Same with seeking stories of others. You’re not going to find the story that matches yours 100%. It’s a futile pursuit and you’re wasting your time.

Find a psychologist, figure out what’s going on. If they recommend you see a psychiatrist, see one, get meds, and start living your life.

Thanks for replying. I am on meds (zoloft) and visiting a psyhiatrist. I've been on meds for 2 years now. I feel like it's useless, though, because you can't cure your sexuality.
We only talk about it a little with the psychiatrist and we're not really doing any therapy. She doesn't give me reassurance, just keeps asking what would be wrong in being gay and I just answer that I don't know and that I simply don't want to be gay. I went to the psychologist shortly after this started because I cried 24/7, didn't eat and only slept for days. Most of the time now I am able to ignore everything (and denying it with that), but the moment I think of a guy or see one, I remember, and I just panic because I get real feelings.

hocdsufferer wrote:

fidelio520 wrote:

hocdsufferer wrote:Nobody even answers my posts anymore because they see that I don't belong on the OCD forum, but on the sexuality one. I can't live like this, I'm an encloseted homophobe in denial and I will never be able to accept myself.

Nobody is answering your posts because you’re entangled in obsessive and ruminating thoughts. I saw your post on reddit. You didn’t post in the OCD sub, you posted in the sex subreddit, so I don’t know what you expected. Even then, there were plenty of people, a majority, I might add, telling you that you have OCD, yet you sunk your teeth into the one reply that barely hinted at bisexuality.

Obviously, I, nor anyone else on this forum, can diagnose you with anything, just as we cannot tell you your sexuality. Whether or not you have OCD is something you need to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist for. As for your sexuality, this is something that only you know.

I have OCD, and the obsession that I’ve had for the last 9 months has been about my sexual orientation. I’ve been convinced that I was gay. I was convinced that I had gynoandromorphophilia, I was sure that perhaps I only like guys who look like women. Then muscular guys. Then I was convinced that I wanted to be the guy dressed as a woman. I’ve checked with gay porn. I’ve checked with straight porn. I’ve had sex with women just to reassure myself. I’ve stopped masturbating because it became a threatening activity. I’ve contemplated suicide. Hell, I burned my thighs with cigarettes during my loops. I get what you’re going through, and I’ve been there. I still am there, just much less so than I was before.

I can tell you one thing though, that’s for sure. If I didn’t get a psychologist when I did back in December, I wouldn’t be alive right now. I would have had one of my “loops” or breakdowns, I would’ve gone out and bought a gun because I live in America, and I would’ve blown my brains out. But that never happened because my psychologist worked with me, and made me understand that what I have is OCD. Do I know if for a fact? No. I could just be gay and in denial. Does this worry me? Sure, but not as much as before. But being gay is sure better than being dead. So I just live my life and see what happens. That’s life man. I could be hit by a car tomorrow, and suddenly doesn’t really matter if I am gay or straight, because, as you might imagine, I’d be dead.

I have a gf, I think I love her but I don’t know that for sure. We have sex. Am I faking it? I don’t know. I might be. Sometimes when we cuddle, I have a panic attack because I don’t have an erection. Does that mean I am gay? Maybe. Maybe not.

My point is that you have to stop caring to get out of this loop. You’ve been stuck in this for 3 years. You’re 20 or so. You got another 60 good years. Don’t let them be marred by this. Just go out and live your life, and if you do turn out to be gay, so what? You’ll find someone you love and care for? How awful, having a significant other that loves and cares about you. /s

Biggest thing that helped me was to stop checking forums and to stop posting everywhere. I was seeking reassurance, asking Snaga for his opinion, then imposing my opinion on his opinion, and then convincing myself that I am gay. I know that you think that if you ask enough, someone is going to give you an answer you find satisfactory, but that’s an illusion. It’s like heroin. You think you’ll get the same high you did the first time, but soon enough you find that you’re addicted, chasing the first high that you’ll never get. Because it doesn’t exist. Same with reassurance. You’re not going to find the perfect answer because it doesn’t exist. No answer is going to feel good enough or right. It’s a futile pursuit. Same with seeking stories of others. You’re not going to find the story that matches yours 100%. It’s a futile pursuit and you’re wasting your time.

Find a psychologist, figure out what’s going on. If they recommend you see a psychiatrist, see one, get meds, and start living your life.

Thanks for replying. I am on meds (zoloft) and visiting a psyhiatrist. I've been on meds for 2 years now. I feel like it's useless, though, because you can't cure your sexuality.
We only talk about it a little with the psychiatrist and we're not really doing any therapy. She doesn't give me reassurance, just keeps asking what would be wrong in being gay and I just answer that I don't know and that I simply don't want to be gay. I went to the psychologist shortly after this started because I cried 24/7, didn't eat and only slept for days. Most of the time now I am able to ignore everything (and denying it with that), but the moment I think of a guy or see one, I remember, and I just panic because I get real feelings.

With all due respect to your psychologist and psychiatrist, you’re not doing proper OCD treatment. First of all, Penzel, who’s basically the OCD guru if you will, clearly states that mere medications aren’t going to solve things. You need CBT therapy, particularly ERP. You need to be exposed to your fear while you avoid doing the associated compulsion. What you’re doing now is a compulsion. You posted on reddit, got spiked, and now you’re begging for someone to tell you you’re not gay to alleviate your anxiety.

You need to find a psych who does CBT treatment for OCD, and visit them. Talk therapy doesn’t help OCD, nor does pure medication, though it does help a lot from what I’ve heard. Also, I’m not a doctor, but maybe you need to find different SSRIs. I know Zoloft is used to treat OCD, but many pscychs use Prozac first.

Tldr- find an OCD psychologist and work with them. You need to be exposed to your fear without doing whatever you do in hopes of alleviating anxiety. Go to a bar with the fellas. Hang out with some guys at the gym. Watch brokeback mountain or behind the candelabra. Both good gay movies. Just expose yourself to the gay stuff, and avoid reassurance. Stop coming here or on reddit. I’ve had big fits on reddit. Posted crazy threads. Had 100 or so replies. I was deep in it. Am I fully out of it? No. I have nights where I think I’m gay and am sure of it. Then the next morning I have sexual relations with my gf. Difference is that I don’t become hysterical about it, and I don’t self harm anymore as I used to.

It gets better.

fidelio520 wrote:Nobody is answering your posts because you’re entangled in obsessive and ruminating thoughts.

^^
That.

I don't do a whole heck of a lot of reassuring anymore, across the board here. When someone's got it bad, you can only repeat the same thing, so many ways. People get to feeling as if they're hitting their heads against a wall. It's something I think everyone has to eventually find their own way out the other side.