Possible OCD related to fear of having personality disorder

Hello, everyone.

I am currently seeing a therapist, but I haven't brought this up yet because there is are more immediate concerns that need to be addressed (but hopefully we will get to this eventually). But in the meantime, I just wanted to see what you all think or if anyone has experienced this.

Ever since I took a psychology course in college and learned about personality disorders, I am very anxious that I may have one. My biological mother was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and I had a pretty rough childhood which increases my risk of having it. I have made mistakes in the past that correlate with BPD, antisocial personality disorder, and NPD. For the past year, there are times when I ruminate over every mistake I've made and try and match it up with a personality disorder. I spend hours researching disorders and trying to discern if I have one.

Could this be OCD? Or is it just anxiety (I am dx with GAD).

Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Trigger warning: I mention diverse OCD manifestations,
which can actually be triggering for some people with OCD.

While I definitely think that only a professional can give official yays or nays, I do have some thoughts based on what you're saying and my own experiences/ knowledge about OCD.

The obsessive rumination and evidence gathering over whether or not you have a personality disorder definitely sounds like OCD- and I'm comfortable saying that since you've said you have OCD and I'm therefore not armchair diagnosing you. What I mean is, that's very in line with OCD behavior.

A facet of OCD that certainly doesn't help those suffering from self-diagnosis obsessions is the fact that such a wide range of symptoms can present in OCD. Some people with OCD experience dissociation but wouldn't be considered to have a dissociative disorder, some people with OCD become manipulative when seeking reassurance another person intentionally withholds, some people with OCD experience what could be considered delusions, etc. There are so many behaviors and symptoms that could SOUND like the criteria for another disorder, but could also just be OCD. Of course, dual diagnoses do exist, but they're not always going to be necessary. I think that's why it's so important to talk to a professional if possible, and I'm glad to hear you have a therapist.

Best wishes friend!

I'd like to add to that, that when we start going and looking for us to have a PD... you have to remember it's called a personality disorder for a reason. It's a disorder. Of personality. Which kinda implies that these are facets of personality that we all possess to some degree, but they're skewed enough in a person with a PD to score a PD Dx. I mean, I can make myself out to have just about any PD out there, if I tried hard enough. Look for something hard enough, you'll find something that looks like what you're expecting to find, right?

For me, I take online self tests (with grains of salt) and trust what they say. No matter how reptilian I think I am, I trust them when they say I have no AsPD, NPD, etc., I do come close on BPD, and I do suspect myself of having those traits, but it's just something to watch out for in my behaviour, not something I'm going to worry over. I think, if you truly had a PD and had it bad, you might not be so worried? I mean, some of the PDs are earmarked by a decided lack of self-awareness on the part of the person with it, usually, right? It's everyone else, it's not ME.... kind of thinking, no? The fact that someone is scared of having a PD, to me seems to argue against having it.

And I think since we're talking about what I think (just me, I've never read this but it stands to reason) are personality facets that we all possess, some more, some less, some in a dysfunctional way that causes them to have a PD, well, sure. I can point at things in myself and say this looks like this PD, that looks like that PD, etc. Because there are no perfect humans currently living on this planet....

As someone who suffers from both OCD and BPD I can tell you that I do not believe you have BPD. I also had the obsession of having a personality disorder, more specifically NPD and the thought of having that made me dreadful, anxious, and obsessive over the prospect of being a narcissist. However, the thought and idea of having BPD did not do any of those things, I felt RELIEF over knowing it actually. You also have to keep in mind with your history of having a borderline mother you are bound to pick up at least traits of a personality disorder (which does not equate to diagnosis). Usually people with BPD either fully deny their disorder or accept it but they don’t stay dwelling over it by worrying about it. We have a lot of other things to worry about (namely fear of abandonment).

Do you have a pervasive pattern of unstable relationships, an intense fear of abandonment so bad you surround your whole life’s meaning around it and will do anything to avoid it? Are you impulsive to the point where other people are constantly pointing out to you or you find yourself in very risky situations or stressful positions? Do you view things as all good or all bad? Do you have extreme emotional swings? Intense rage? Chronic emptiness? If you meet some of these symptoms you may just have traits of, and not necessarily enough to be diagnosed. You may also want to look into C-PTSD because there is a lot of overlap between that and BPD.

However, what I really want you to understand which I know may be hard because of the OCD, is that having a diagnosis of Borderline isn’t the end of the world. Even if you did end up having it, you clearly seem to have some level of insight. You also need to keep in mind personality disorders are very complex and run on a spectrum so not everyone will experience it or express their symptoms the same so please disregard the negative stigma that a lot of people have about us.

^^ second that. I know I, for one, would almost feel relief at a PD Dx. Then I have something to point to and say Ah. That's why I do _______..... The ones even come close to worrying me, happen to be the ones that I self test ridiculously low scores on... And I just put my doubts down to OCD and go on.