Can HOCD cause a loss of attraction? [long post]

Hi, I'm Xanto, male in his early 20's. I apologize about the mistakes, English is not my first language.

Before (what I think/I hope is) HOCD:

I've always been attracted by girls. Only girls. I always noticed girls since I'm very little (my father told me I was looking at women's breast/thighs when I was a little kid). My first crush (childish lover ?) was when I was three years old. It was always some girls who stood out from the crowd. All years. I always daydreamed of the girl of my dreams, of how life would be with her, of my proposal and this kind of stuff.

When I was a kid I was afraid my parents would fall asleep and not wake up. I am also hypochondriac (I don't know if it was OCD but I was afraid of cancer for a long time (about a year))

First hit of HOCD :

HOCD hit me for the first time when I was 17, in high-school. I don't know why but I had look at some bisexual porn movies for some months (I discovered regular/lesbian porn at 13). I couldn't achieve an orgasm with bisexual porn, but I looked, honnestly, don't know why, I was not attracted by guys (I skipped almost all the time the scenes with two guys. And tell if a guy is good looking is hard for me, it was at this time), IRL I didn't want to do things with men… But the famous question appear : "Am I gay ?"

I stopped bisexual porn and went back to lesbian porn.

And of course, the question never really disappeared. It was always here. It calmed down when I fell in love with a girl, but after this, question reappear. Life was almost back to normal. The question was always here, it was annoying but what could I do ? I crushed on two other girls, same thing. I think the question was still here, but less frequently in my mind, for a little time.

Flash Forward to 2016 :

I don't know why but I started to look transexual porn.
I fell in love of a girl, she rejected me. Three months later, I can't get hard for the first time of my life. I think it was the initiator of the second hit of my HOCD.

For three days, I had trouble getting an erection. The next day I went to college.

In my second class, I spoke with a guy with whom I had some common interests. Then I thought he was cool, and it was then (maybe not at the time but in the evening, I don't remember very well) that the big obsession began. The anxiety was present. I began to test myself to scenarios, was afraid of being in denial (of course, the event with the porn was a fuel for anxiety). Anxiety was here all the time, more and more. I discovered HOCD. Intrusive thought came to my mind and I was so afraid. I was testing myself on straight porn to see if I was still attracted to women, I was afraid of being in love of my best friend, I had some intrusive thoughts about sex with my males friends, I had some groinal responses because of testing on scenarios. I noticed all the attractives males, I was wondering if I was attracted by them. I had less libido. Anyway, anxiety was here 24/24, 7/7. But one day, anxiety was less here, of course I've been wondering if I was accepting the thoughts and turning gay/bisexual. I reassured myself and discovered the backdoor spike. A little time later, I started to testing myself on gay porn. It was boring (it still is) but I was anxious of getting an erection. I had some groinal responses, it was scary. During this time I spend all my free time on the web to reassure me, searching similars experiences, what denial looks like and stuff like that. I was also having trouble getting hard.
The situation has stagnated for 4 months. Anxiety and obsessionnal thinking were here but it was less scary.

Something bad has happened in my life. I was always anxious but no longer because HOCD. I reassured myself lesser. I could have erection more easily, not like before HOCD, but it was better. I could think of a relationship like I was used to before HOCD. I always had my intrusive thoughts, my checking behavior, but it was getting a bit better. Libido has almost completely returned in a few months and erections too. Attraction was almost like before HOCD.

A few weeks ago, I woke up anxious, convinced that I was no longer attracted to girls. I was constantly testing myself on pictures of girls and I had the impression that I was only very little attracted, I always found defects on girls and I felt empty. There was no longer that feeling of attraction. For several days I cried at night, convinced that it was there, I was turning gay. I was anxious.
I reassured myself, I stopped testing myself and it was a little better, the attraction was slightly back, but I'm not attracted to some girls I used to love like I used to and I have no more intrusive thoughts.

Soon after, watching some guy's stream on twitch, I thought he was cool. Anxiety has returned. I reassured myself, it was a little bit better.
Then other absurd questions came up: Could you date a transwoman? If that happened and she still had her penis, would you want to do things with it? The answer to both questions is no.
Of course, watching some trans porn didn't help and the anxiety is there.
So I tested myself on things. Trans images, focusing on their genitals, and I've had several erections. So I'm anxious. Very anxious.
And once again, my loss of attraction for girls is back (that said, my attraction for girls never really reappeared in its entirety). And it scares me. I felt like I'm in denial.

Now:

I no longer have intrusive thoughts, I no longer notice men, I have well understood that I am not attracted to men, but my attraction for girls is almost gone (no longer the feeling of attraction, the impression of finding them defects where before there were none...).



So here are my questions:

- How do I get my attraction for girls back entirely?
- Do I have HOCD? If yes, do you have any advice for healing knowing that I cannot see a psychiatrist/psychologist.
- Can everything go back to the way it was?


Right now, I just feel like I could never fall in love with a girl again, that I would never be attracted again, and it scares me, it makes me bad, very bad.

Hey,

I know this post is old, but in order to get your attractions back, you should NOT force it, or even think about it. The longer you think about, the longer it'll take you to get it back. Good luck.

Kind regards,

KidDJ