My biggest OCD issue with my relationship with God

I'm always worried constantly. Its been written that if you continue to willfully sin even after receiving the grace of God that you are screwed. And I did receive God's grace yet I still voluntarily say and think blasphemous things. I want to repent but I wonder if im to far gone from forgiveness and that is my biggest fear. I lack optimism mostly because I was to prideful to heed God's warnings and continued to intentionally sin without guidance and discipline. And now my obsessions about eternal damnation are at there highest yet. Everytime I pray to God to give me a sign that everything is okay I get the opposite and receive omens. Its not easy to live this life and I constantly wonder if I serve as a warning to others and if I'm beyond redemption. This also calls to mind whether or not blasphemous thoughts count, because I never physically did anything wrong but think I am in debt to God due to the nature of my thoughts. This is why I wonder if its heavily sinful to have thoughts that are to vile. I often wonder because some websites, mediums, and mystics warn that the Universe, God, and the supernatural frown upon dangerous types of thinking.