Afraid of myself

I got diagnosed with OCD a month and a half ago or so and was struggling with violent and sexual thoughts well before that. I honestly believe pretty often that my diagnosis is fake or somehow I lied and am actually a monster who will commit the acts of violence that roll around in my brain. I believe I have pure o, but my psychiatrist is not a specialist and can't diagnose me with something like that. He wants to refer me to a therapist specializing in OCD rather than the general one I have now but... I don't think I'm ready to do the work. I refuse to tell my current therapist or psychiatrist about what any of my thoughts are. I am even nervous saying that I have violent thoughts at all on this forum just in case I get arrested or something. This makes me think that meeting a specialist would be a waste of time. What's the point in trying to work on my OCD if I'm not willing to even talk about my thoughts? What do you guys think, would specialized therapy be a waste of time for me?

I likewise have trouble with actually articulating my exact harm thoughts. At least, on a public forum. And I'd probably have to mod edit myself, anyway, for graphic depictions of violence.... But to be halfway open about it, I regularly think about killing my Snagina, and our fur babies. Not sadistically, but violently and messily.

Loved ones, and pets, are, I understand, the most common objects of intrusive harm thoughts.

I remember, the first time I posted about my harm thoughts. In my blog, I think. I got worried, and was real close to doing the same thing I have to turn down on a regular basis- contact a moderator and beg her to please delete the posts.... someone's going to think that I'm a killer....

If you have OCD, you're not a monster. I know you feel like one, but you're not.

If you get hooked up with someone who really knows their OCD, and you tell them what you're currently afraid to, then it's probably going to be something they've heard before, plenty.

I have never heard of anyone with OCD, actually carrying out their intrusive harm thoughts. Not saying it's never happened, but I haven't read about it. I've had intrusive harm thoughts for over four decades. Forty plus years. Four Zero. 40+.......

At some point in the last five or ten, it dawned on me if I haven't killed myself, a pet, or the person laying in bed next to me, yet? What am I worrying about....? This is bullcrap. OCD bullcrap.

So I stopped worrying about it. Not that that was easy, but it can be done, with practice. And then the thoughts come less often, and they are more easily dismissed.

What I have a hard time wrapping my brain around, but I'm sure you've either read or been told, is that everyone gets these thoughts. Everyone. That's really a hard pill to swallow, but that's what they say. The difference with us, is that normies just blow thoughts like that off, and we can't. Or won't. We thought them! We must be horrible creatures! What will keep us from acting on them??

I think we worry that having thoughts, and ability, to wreak havoc, equals that we will. What will stop us? When the real answer is, the same thing that keeps Normies from going berserk. Ourselves. My reading, is that these troubling, intrusive thoughts are ego-dystonic. They're not a reflection of our basic nature, and that's why we find them so very distressing, I think. I was ten or eleven when I began having thoughts- I remember quite well I was going to kill my cat, then myself. For quite a few years as a result, I worried I was possessed or on the verge of it. I was a kid, never heard of OCD, didn't have professional help... long before Dr Google. It was terrifying.

I don't know about you, but for me, I argued with OCD, and it gets to the point that my brain will try to tell me that I'll do it in my sleep, that I won't know I've done it, and come to, to a dead Snagina, brutally murdered. I mean, what kind of argument can you make to that? You can't. OCD isn't something you can reason with. You can only out-stubborn it. So I call BS on it, and make a conscious decision that I'll worry about it after I've done it. Not before. Eventually that really does help. At least, it did for me.

Oh, now I'll still drive miles back to check for invisible hit and run victims. But when I get these murder thoughts, oh no. If I was a killer, I'd have done it a long time ago. I refuse- refuse- to worry. I make myself not worry.