Hope this is allowed - POCD

Hi everyone
I've suffered with pocd in the past as a result of being sexually abused (more emotionally) when I was 14, and somewhere down the line I convinced myself i would do it to others, and recently it's reared its ugly head as a result of all kinds of stress lately.. but I am in therapy, however my next appointment is a couple of days away and I'm going out of my mind now. So I put my hands up and admit we occasionally watch porn (2 times a month!?) and each time i always avoid certain material as I perceive it to be wrong- in my head the characters are "too young looking" and it gives me a sudden jolt of anxiety and I quickly move past it, I guess I don't want to see it as I'm so scared of any feelings I have as it'll reinforce that belief of I'm a paedophile. So i obviously steer away from the categories like teens etc. Not that we watch it often but it's like I'm lured into a false sense of security.. when I watch it, after i always then feel guilt and shame as I know I will need to rush past certain material making me feel uncomfortable yet I will then go back to it and repeat the same thing ! The other week, I went past a clip and it was a male with a younger female and I believe she had been 'dressed' to look younger (teenager possibly) anyway I scrolled past as I thought she looks too young (even though I know they're actors!) And went about my day, walked the dog, knew I'd done nothing wrong.. then sure enough the thoughts came. Questioning well did I actually like that scene ? And i felt genuinely yes I did. And I kept replaying it in my head, the 4 seconds I seen but keeping in mind i perceived this person to be young.. young enough for it to cause uncomfortable viewing, so i thought about it as if she was underage and I had a total battle with myself.. telling myself I've done/viewed nothing wrong, but if I felt i liked it by imagining a scenario with some one possibly underage (funny thing is I'm not even imagining anything in particular, it's more the scene I saw replaying in my head with the belief she is poss underage?? Even though I'm not imagining someone typically underage!) And I constantly come to the conclusion well yes it's wrong it's sick. If you have in your head this person isn't of legal age then you're sick!! I feel awful, and very quickly feeling depressed.. we've been having ivf and this just makes me feel undeserving of having a child. I can't have children if I'm this way and I need to tell my husband I'm a peado and can't be with him. If I'd been busy today instead of relaxing my mind wouldn't have even gone there. It wouldn't have been a concern- I don't fancy young girls . Just feel like i can't justify any of the feelings I have. Just needed some advice or reassurance. Thanks xx