Fear of being a narc

Hi,

I'm 28y old hypermarket worker and I was diagnosed with mild depression and generalized anxiety disorder during this winter. I have traits of a SAD, I think.

I post this on here OCD-section, because I'm obsessed of being a narc, covert narc to be more accurate.

I don't know how put myself on someones shoes. That I think. I don't have the power of knowing how someone might feel at the very moment. I can get symphatetic on some point, but I think that the sympathy doesn't naturally come from me in every situation. Eg. when my ex cried I didn't always know what to do to comfort her or to make her happier. I don't cry, atleast that often. There was a point in my life like 16-25 from where I don't recollect any memories of crying. Nowadays I might shed some tears on movies or during very emotionally frustrating situations. Like once or twice during a year. When we broke up with my ex and we discussed about our differences, I said to her that "I'm looking for a intelligent woman". I did know that her violent ex have been using "intellectual differences" as a use of an abuse. It just blurted out and I think should feel ashamed of that, but I didn't mean it like that. I also said to her few times that I love, but weren't really sure if I was in love with her.

Sometimes I get very frustrated when my roommate (very good friend of mine) talks about his LARP-sessions and such, because I have nothing to say on them and I don't kinda give a $#%^. I think I should feel empathy for him and listen to his stories, but I can tell that he can sense my level of uninterest, because he always says that there is saying in LARP-scene, that "one have to buy you a beer when tells about LARP-stories". I tend to get bored or uninterested when someone speaks and speaks for very long times. I like quietness and also I like talking, but when I share a common interest with.

I tend to daydream about admiration often. I dream about that there's a pop quiz in some of our meetings and I just know all the questions. Or one common daydream is that there is a introduction of ourselves and I show a neat video of me skateboarding or of my record collection. I don't skateboard neither have any vinyls. Sometimes I have visions of customer stabbing me or something and all coworkers are sympathetic to my cause. I also have daydreamed about stopping a gunman robbing our cashier, sometimes very violently acting like a though guy.

I think I have some kind of insecurity issues and I have low self-esteem. For example I blame myself if I don't get an answer on tinder and get really anxious about it sometimes. "I said something stupid now. Why I did that." Because of my diagnose I'm looking only for hook-ups and friendly dates. I might sometime get frustrated when date goes south and we don't wake up in same bed. Lack of empathy there. I think. I can also be a sore loser sometimes.

I've read lots about narcissism and took tests about it. I can see very straight signs of me being a narc. But I don't wanna be. It frightens me a lot. We did test with my psychiatrist about PD:s and he didn't get any signs of any PD whatsoever. But how can I know. Maybe I was just manipulating the test that I would get false reassurance.

Atleast my Psychotherapy starts next week. I'm sorry if there's flaws in my english. I'm from Finland so it's not my first language. Hopefully someone understands some of this.

I had this fear about a year ago, and it kind of comes to my mind on and off now but I’m currently struggling most with my Trans fear at the moment....

Let me put your fears to rest... You’re not a narcissist. At least not full blown NPD.

Now this may trigger you, so refrain from reading on if you are easily triggered...

I had this fear of having NPD, and it turns out I am actually personality disordered. No, I am not a narc, i’m actually a borderline. Both disorders have some sort of over lap and i’ve noticed they CAN look similar. However, a true narcissist usually won’t even question nor would it worry them at all. Typically narc’s immediately deflect their problems onto everyone else, a defense mechanism known as projection. Borderlines do this too, but they also cycle through stages of guilt where they know they have a problem and they hate themselves. Suicidal tendencies or self harming behaviors are also common with borderlines, not narcs.


The story you wrote about tinder seems a bit narcissistic but not full blown NPD. Borderlines can BE narcissistic. I know when it comes to dating apps I can very angry when people don’t reply but unlike you I will probably continually message them and be clingy and needy.

Now I am not trying to diagnose you but from my experience i’ve noticed a trend that when some overly worried about being NPD and has these traits they are usually either OCD, BPD, or both. However, one thing I will say is that you definitely have OCD just for the simple fact that you came to this forum and asked this question.

I have had suicidal thoughts, but never I have wanted to carry out these thoughts. Usually they derive from the guilt of being such a bad person and therefore not able to be a normal human being among people.

I have also had fear of psychosis, other PD:s, scizophrenia (my sister has it) and some somatic deceases. But I don't actually always fear them. I just diagnose them for me and be calm about it. Though sometimes, when they are fatal. Then it turns to fear.

The fear of being a narc is on and off for me too, but it's kinda always lingering somewhere there and may pop out any time. Sometimes I'm so convinced of it that I want to cure it.

Thanks for the reply. I looked up the BPD (once again) and took a net test . Got quite high results and now I'm relieved. Maybe I'm repressing the chance that I'm a narc, but hopefully that's an obsessive thought. Because when I feel of being narssistic I monitor every action what I take within human contacts. And find marks of narcissism on my every action.

valdemari wrote:I have had suicidal thoughts, but never I have wanted to carry out these thoughts. Usually they derive from the guilt of being such a bad person and therefore not able to be a normal human being among people.

I have also had fear of psychosis, other PD:s, scizophrenia (my sister has it) and some somatic deceases. But I don't actually always fear them. I just diagnose them for me and be calm about it. Though sometimes, when they are fatal. Then it turns to fear.

The fear of being a narc is on and off for me too, but it's kinda always lingering somewhere there and may pop out any time. Sometimes I'm so convinced of it that I want to cure it.

Thanks for the reply. I looked up the BPD (once again) and took a net test . Got quite high results and now I'm relieved. Maybe I'm repressing the chance that I'm a narc, but hopefully that's an obsessive thought. Because when I feel of being narssistic I monitor every action what I take within human contacts. And find marks of narcissism on my every action.

Yeah, I really don’t believe you have NPD, and this theme is common amongst those who have OCD. The fact that you feel guilt about doing bad things proves you aren’t a narcissist as narcissists cannot feel guilt or have empathy for anyone EVER. It’s normal to have N traits when you have mental illnesses going on, but the way to differentiate from it being NPD is that you are self-aware and FEEL bad for what you have done.

Also narcs don’t typically have any angst over wrong doings to the point of suicidal thoughts, usually if they even have these thoughts it’s because they have no N supply.

Be careful when labeling yourself though, you really want to see a professional. Borderline is not something that you can just slap onto yourself and live your life, if you really have BPD you need to be in therapy and working on yourself as Borderline can get very bad a lot of the times. The younger you are the better.