Transgender theme is back, ###$.

Ok so after having thought my TOCD was over or at least less severe, it’s been coming back full force lately and I cannot take it. I keep staring at women to see if I envy them or really want their bodies and I feel as though the more I stare at them the more I’ll convince myself I DO want to be them and that I’m transgender. However, I sat down with myself and seriously said “ If I am trans then I am trans and that is that and if I want to transition I will in the future and it will be fine”. However when I said this there was no relief from the idea that I would allow myself to transition. This makes me think I’m really not trans because I know that when I have genuinely wanted something in the past I will say to myself “ I will get it some day” and feel excited and hopeful as well as accomplished with the fact that I realized I goal that I want. But that isn’t what happened with this. I have been obsessively looking up the definition of words like “desire” and “envy” to reassure myself that is not what I am feeling and everytime I do it seems I do not fit either of those feelings. I also don’t dream about or have an obsession with women’s bodies like most MTF’s do. The idea of changing my name as well as changing pronouns doesn’t seem relieving or exciting either. However, having BPD as well I believe my identity disturbance has been causing me to somewhat want to be trans? It’s not necessarily that I want a girls body but it’s almost like I have been obsessing over the label so much that it’s becoming apart of my identity and I hate that. I just feel very confused and I would love some feedback. Thank you.

This is weird, I have been feeling great for a while too but since a few days ago Tocd is back and stronger than ever, it seems like we are all connected lol. Anyway what you are experiencing is normal ocd stuff and I can tell you that because I’m doing the same thing, for example I used to love to watch runaways and tv shows about models and stuff but now I can’t do it anymore because every time I see a female body anywhere my mind Ismaili like:”do you want to look like that?” And the thing is I never ever liked female bodies it’s so weird. I tried to accept those thoughts too and being open to them but still the answer didn’t satisfy me, my brain is constantly making me doubt myself but as soon as I agree with it it gets into panic mode. I am so tired and angry because of this, I even got to the point that I want to accept this so maybe the thoughts will go away, I don’t want to transition but if this would stop my brain from worrying and obsessing over the fact that I might be trans I would. I can’t live my life with the constant question “what if you’re trans?” In my head. Every time I reply that I’m a guy but my brain is making me worry I am lying to myself I don’t know what to do. I don’t dream nor obsess over female bodies either and the idea of changing my name and my pronouns it’s the furthest thing from enjoyable for me; I can’t image someone calling me with a different name or with female pronouns it just doesn’t suit me.

I'm so scared, mine has come back strong too and I don't know if it is true or not. This really terrifies me, I don't want to be a transsexual but I can't help it if I am one. I am really scared and confused and I need help.