Terrible HOCD *trigger warning*

Hello everyone! To start, I've been having OCD for something like 1.5 years - it all started as HOCD, then TOCD, harm stuff but I met a sexy girl and got into a long remission (ironic as that)... Until now... One night I just had the urge to masturbate to a guy, anxiety striked in powerfully, almost ejaculated but then switched to normal straight porn and it was all good. I've always been straight, kinda homophobic, but that thing just turned my mind upside down. It later progressed in TOCD and it wasn't that severe knowing I had it before and nothing was going to change. During that time by the way I had no gay thoughts/fantasies/arousals but HOCD striked back! Again had the urge to masturbate to guys, played gay porn and guess what... I was able to ejaculate!!! WTF is going on? I'm still attracted to girls and just can't imagine being gay - that's just not me! It was like a real "rush" and was quite fast. However, including the fact I was able to cum to gay porn is really spiking my anxiety and making me feel reeeally bad. Please help me, I just want to know whether that's a classical OCD case or I have found my true sexuality (I hope it's not).

I hate to state the obvious, but if you were playing with yourself... then yeah, I reckon you're going to cum. Looking at something that's not your sexual orientation doesn't equal boner-killer, especially if you're trying to cum, right?

Thanks for the reply! Tbh I'm feeling a bit better today. I read somewhere that the wiring in the brain can sometimes lead to ejaculating to that kind of gayish stuff and has nothing to do with your real sexual orientation, true?

scottcena wrote:Hello everyone! To start, I've been having OCD for something like 1.5 years - it all started as HOCD, then TOCD, harm stuff but I met a sexy girl and got into a long remission (ironic as that)... Until now... One night I just had the urge to masturbate to a guy, anxiety striked in powerfully, almost ejaculated but then switched to normal straight porn and it was all good. I've always been straight, kinda homophobic, but that thing just turned my mind upside down. It later progressed in TOCD and it wasn't that severe knowing I had it before and nothing was going to change. During that time by the way I had no gay thoughts/fantasies/arousals but HOCD striked back! Again had the urge to masturbate to guys, played gay porn and guess what... I was able to ejaculate!!! WTF is going on? I'm still attracted to girls and just can't imagine being gay - that's just not me! It was like a real "rush" and was quite fast. However, including the fact I was able to cum to gay porn is really spiking my anxiety and making me feel reeeally bad. Please help me, I just want to know whether that's a classical OCD case or I have found my true sexuality (I hope it's not).

For some there is more of a bittter cosequence by robbing the stuff we like, however the main cause is that that the more mild then your testerone drops gradually and replaced by corisol so gayness nd trans tendices that what they request; so called body testerone from day one. For me its the exact same thing as what Im twlling you from jump; it more clear to understand even though you might even think testerone is growing back but it is the coritol that displaces T. T however along with corisol greatly is reponsible forhair per body surroundings. To even have your brain think that ie me that im gay and trans and the rest is BS. HOwever when all is shut the ruleness of them ruling my brain is BS themselves due to corisol request because for example I know at one point gayness and trans would cease ONLY if my mom is in my surroundings. To make matters worse they act like its the opposite esphecally today. Even when its non-sexual(ie. hobbies beleifs much more) thay scan it even a remaing part of hererosexual tendices because for me almost 2/3 of the scenerios is girls (btw im a raillfanner my main hobby is trains) but the sceneros is even a thought of something sexual. At this point if you feel that you feel that your brain is trapped in prison is like being killed in a alley each day if reviving the alternate way to not fully get these in the network is to take notes each day and focus up because remember h/tocd even have bonuses due to their degree. In other words it would engine to something stupid such as bestiality or others esphcally if you are back to youre old self. At this point ist the only alternate point if the behavor becaome rapid enough to even request corisol via a gradual decrease in T(testosterone). However if you know you are straight fully but it cannot network it properly is because these two are the evil against ones will i.e you are straight but dont want to be gay or even transgender then they are the evil due to x and the circustances in ones hands. More likely its like forcing the brain to eat something thats not even its own duty to operate on. For me every time Im doing something against their will then its a consequesence often resulting to loss of intrest in what i like Here trains and city traisnt is what I focus on more even prior to the thought of HOCD. each time when I point the story out or even fond hormonal treatment they either act like they are "good kids" when and/or throw my personal interest. Its gotten worse enough to the point that what I love to do i "so called regret to do" (in the trans share) because to me its even scary at night that something slight changes and it even bloats into my mouth. Better understanding its even worse that it attacks me when I even go to my old intrest such as sneezing or more. The thing is that even though Im a disabled guy in college thay dont care who you are They even tend to reverse at certain angles to even think that Im in denal by saying being cisgender and hetersexual is what bother me because I know the show. honestly I check on myself when either take certain medicines or whatever abnorma in my body, it too questionable. Me as a non binary male I actually can tell that there a high dose of estro(gen) at bay however cotisol as testerone is whenever I feel weird the coritsol is what HOCD and TOCD in my radar is what they request to see as a testerone so they can win THey act like everything is normal but it according to what I see my hair is growing back as a permission but there's lack of energy and I cant even remember such things I did back i the day because of H/TOCD. They love to make me be a girl with "regretful feelings as a male as to what Ive done" with trans tendices. Besides each type of so/gender ocd is also demonic. So I went old school and took down notes with NOTHING related to my sexual identiy and gender identiy though due to it being a sharethrough corridor to make my life a living hell hard by ripping me apart.

-- Sun May 06, 2018 2:37 pm --

Snaga wrote:I hate to state the obvious, but if you were playing with yourself... then yeah, I reckon you're going to cum. Looking at something that's not your sexual orientation doesn't equal boner-killer, especially if you're trying to cum, right?

Therees two different types of frames; someone who is in denial or it came against their will

-- Sun May 06, 2018 2:38 pm --

scottcena wrote:Thanks for the reply! Tbh I'm feeling a bit better today. I read somewhere that the wiring in the brain can sometimes lead to ejaculating to that kind of gayish stuff and has nothing to do with your real sexual orientation, true?

It depends on one's network on the brain Even if it gyish trans behavior it a combination thus making it even worse

Thanks! To be honest, there's no improvement since I posted that. Tried some techniques to beat that $#%^ but didn't seem to be working. You said I was either under the heavy anxiety of being bi/gay or denying my sexual orientation. Why would I deny that? I've been straight since my birth and never ever had any sexual preferences over men. It seems quite irrational and even impossible for me that just in a matter of a second I'm gonna magically turn gay as I already posted. What I know is people who are homo/bi know this from a pretty early age and they have just been denying it to people around them and never experienced anxiety as the way I do. As I already said, I have history of HOCD which could have relapsed.
I think that really the thing that's causing my doubt and extreme restlessness is the fact that I had ejaculated to gay porn. If that crap didn't happen, I would have pretty much dismissed that and I wouldn't be still struggling...
I tried watching gay porn again and it was quite hard for me to make myself do that, I was disgusted. Firstly, my penis seemed to shrink but as anxiety kicked in, I got a thought like "omg, what if I want to be on that guy's place", got a dopamine rush and the dick erected like crazy. My atttaction to women hasn't changed, I want a girlfriend and later a family.
You mentioned some stuff about cortisol/estrogen. I think it's necessary to mention that I was usually fapping before my episode maybe 2-3 times a day and I know that's a lot. What might be happening is that those women hormones have risen up and my brain has been completely burnt off by so much jerking and causing gay thoughts and groinal responses. Seems logical, doesn't it?
So, I'm just asking you for some techniques that to apply to beat this hocd because it has been a month and to be honest I've wasted it feeling awful...

ZA88, I have to wonder. There's so much research out there, some of it apparently contradictory, to my uneducated eyes.

I would be very careful in asserting that hormones play so large a part. For one thing, the OCD might be causing hormone changes, not the other way around.

And it was always my understanding, that gay males have higher levels of Testosterone, I think I'd read they were exposed to greater levels of it in utero, at times. Don't take that as Gospel, however, it's something I read a long time ago when I was questioning my own sexuality. I can't accept that lowering testosterone would enhance 'gay' thoughts.

Scott, you ejaculated... to sex! Sexual imagery is still sexual imagery, after all. And people will respond to that sometimes, I think. I really hate hearing about people checking with gay porn- I fear that they will somehow train themselves, in Pavlovian fashion, to respond to it- when they still have no real desire to do it in real life. I think checking becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts, the 'proof' that you're gay. And should be avoided.

And you're spot on about denial- even when you're denying it to yourself, you know, deep down, you want summa that.... even when I told myself my bisexuality was a phase or something that existed because I wasn't with a girl, I still looked at gay porn because I wanted to. Not because I was checking.

Sex is so complex, and ambiguous. It's so easy, in the grip of OCD, to lose sense of the subtleties involved in real desires, fantasy, and false attractions. The more I read posts here, the more I believe folks just have to make they're minds up they're not what they're frightened of being, and stick to that in the face of their brain screaming it at them day in, day out.