Pocd or actual pedo all I can do is cry

The thoughts started about 7 months ago when I was watching a YouTube video and it mention the guy who created Alice and wonderland was a pedo . I started doing research about people aruging if he was one or whatever I honestly think he was because all he did was hang with alice and her sisters along with took pics of them plus asked her to marry him which in my opinion is gross. I searched up the pics to see if he actually took them and I freaked out cried x'd out of everything. I began to question if I was like him becaus I did love children but never seen them in that light because I always liked guys my age or older from since I can remember. At first I tried to ignore the thoughts and I stopped babysitting my baby cousin, I couldn't eat or get out of bed all I wanted to do is die. Then I learned about pocd and had hope that it wasnt my fault then I realized when i was 16 I was going through a porn addicton and I watched all kinds of porn them got into serious taboo porn of all kinds you could imagine. The worst was lolicon but I didn't go searching for it in the beginning. I was just on hentai websites and didn't really pay attention to what I was getting off to. I somewhat got an idea what destructive material I was reading when I read one of the titles . I cried and never viewed that stuff again and to be honest I hate myself for allowing myself to feed into it or even view it. I have a very hazy memory of it tho because I didn't view it alot either. I never looked back or gave it a second thought because like I said always been attracted to guys my age or older never once seen a child in that light. Now I don't want kids anymore nor do I want to live. Ive had a history of questioning if I was into my older brother because I gave him a kiss on the lips when we were kids but I thought that was silly after awhile. I also thought I was attracted to dogs at one point but thought that was silly too. The worse one was when I thought I was going to kill my mom so I would hide the knives and stuff. Now all I can think about is what if Im a pedo and been in denial for years because I cared for kids in like a motherly way and love babies because they are so cute . Now I never had to urge to touch kids even when Im around them, when they get close I get very scared, now I catch myself looking at them to see if I feel anything but I don't unless they are super cute kid then I feel my anxiety rise. I just don't feel like myself anymore, all I feel is fear most of the time. Im scared to sleep because I don't want to dream about kids but I never do most of the time if a kid is in my dream its never sexually and my love interest is an older guy . Older guys have always caught my eye and heart ever since this stared l've started questioning my self Im losing attraction to older guys or guys my age and all I can feel is numb,fear, or anxiety. I was diagnosed with ocd and major depression. Im a 20 year old female too and I feel like I don't know myself anymore. Someone please help Im scared.
Side note Ive never looked up real Cp or felt the desire too . I just wish I could take it all back because I never meant to run into that stuff or feed into it.

I could have written this myself. You are not alone.

Dnester it's hard sometimes but I've been told by many people on ocd forums to forgive myself and that isn't easy but I'm learning too. Feel free to message me if you have a chance too.

Hi, thank you for writing this. I think you're very brave.

Did you tell all of this to your doctor when you were diagnosed? I am also diagnosed with OCD and I have some of the same problems as you but straight up lied about not having them because I am honestly a coward, unlike yourself. If you told all of this to your doctor and you got diagnosed with OCD, it would be immensely comforting to me, ngl.

Regardless, I don't think you're a pedo. An actual obsession of OCD is questioning whether you have OCD and I think you have that. There's a reason that fear of being a pedophile is on the OCD diagnostic list: other people experience it too.

Hey pedo OCD does make on have terrifying thoughts but they are just that. Thoughts. I recommend seeing a psychologist or a psychiatrist as I'm not a mental health professional and this board is for support and not treatment.

Now, having said that, you've stated you have no desire to touch kids. You aren't a pedophile. You're not in the same city, state, country, continent, planet or universe as those people.

Also the fact that I've always been attracted to older guys or guys my age. It wouldn't make sense now I would get theses thoughts at age 19. Is possible though? I'm 20 now.