Worried about being trans for a while.

Long time lurker, first time poster.

Some background first. I'm a gay male in my mid twenties with diagnosed ADHD and OCD symptoms. When I was in middle school I was realizing I was gay, while also becoming afraid I was coming across as effeminate. I also had a strange habit where I would do things in sets of seven, and for two months believed that meteors were going to hit the Earth and kill all of my family and friends.

In high school, I was in the closet for a while. By junior and senior year I was seriously considering the prospect of being homosexual, and imagining myself being with another man. But, I kept having intrusive thoughts that I had to be a kind of beautiful, buxom blonde to do it. I had no real romantic or sexual outlet to pursue where I lived, and my parents had a bad reaction to my coming out, so continued to fixate on it in private. Due to the intrusive thoughts mentioned above, I started to worry that I was transgender. I'd go in my head in a loop. I also had intrusive thoughts about dying in my sleep and not being able to prevent it.

In college I joined the pride group and was able to be more out of the closet. But the thoughts kept happening. I'd start to be afraid of my own reflection, because my brain would immediately start asking me if I wanted to be a girl over and over.

By sophomore and junior year, I developed a new fixation: worrying I was a pedophile. I'd have terrifying thoughts any time I'd encounter kids, and actively avoid them, worrying I'd do the wrong thing around a kid and people would see me and arrest me. I'd have compulsions to check for arousal. I would wake up and immediately be attacked by intrusive thoughts about hurting kids.

Around then I started to see my psychiatrist and was put on an antipsychotic. I felt a bit better over time. But then in a social group I interacted with, a guy came out as a trans woman and started presenting as female. I supported them but then worry took over me as usual. The same happened with a former dorm mate in my building from freshman year.

The whole modern gender discourse made me dizzy. I was afraid of seeing "signs" that I was trans. My brain made connections everywhere. I kept having panic attacks any time I'd see or hear about anything related to transgender topics.

I graduated and eventually got a job. But I'd still avoid mirrors and walk down the halls fixated on analyzing my thoughts, seeing if I felt like or thought like a woman. I'd have thoughts of wearing female clothes, makeup, earrings, etc. Whenever I'd have a photo taken of me I'd cringe a bit and it would make me worry.

I don't ever want to be a woman and I want to be able to manage my intrusive thoughts so that I can live a normal life as a gay male. I want to grow out my beard, keep going to the gym and enhance my masculine qualities. But I keep having these catastrophic thoughts of abandoning my life as a male and that the only way to be happy is to become female. But I keep saying "I don't want that" over and over and over.

I don't feel as if I have gender dysphoria, just anxiety due to this latest fixation. I want to feel like myself again.

With your history of OCD and the fact that your theme changed from trans to pedo at one point tells me straight up you ain’t trans. Transgender people don’t necessarily know they are trans from birth, but they know pretty early on that there is something different about them. Not to mention, you don’t include anything in your post that you have any INNATE issues with your body which also points me to believe this is OCD. Have you ever worn make up? Not that it’s an ultimate indicator of being trans, but I feel as though I have more slight evidence against me to say I am trans since I do wear makeup... However, I know I’m not and that should tell you something as well.


I currently have TOCD as well, and right now I’m in a spot of feeling normal, but I know soon enough I’ll be back to obsessing unfortunately.

sickofbeinginvalid wrote:With your history of OCD and the fact that your theme changed from trans to pedo at one point tells me straight up you ain’t trans. Transgender people don’t necessarily know they are trans from birth, but they know pretty early on that there is something different about them. Not to mention, you don’t include anything in your post that you have any INNATE issues with your body which also points me to believe this is OCD. Have you ever worn make up? Not that it’s an ultimate indicator of being trans, but I feel as though I have more slight evidence against me to say I am trans since I do wear makeup... However, I know I’m not and that should tell you something as well.

I currently have TOCD as well, and right now I’m in a spot of feeling normal, but I know soon enough I’ll be back to obsessing unfortunately.

The only "different" feeling I've had is just being socially awkward and not always getting social cues. But I'm continually working on that.

The only issue I have with my body is my weight, but I've been on a diet for almost a year and've lost nearly 30 pounds.

Back when I started to worry about being trans in high school, I'd start to fixate on things about my body and worry if I was having dysphoria about them. I read online about trans people having dysphoria over their voice, hair on their body, etc. I started to worry that my deep voice, which I like, and my beard, which I especially like, are things I may have dysphoria over. But I've never felt as if I had to get rid of them.

I've never worn makeup and don't really want to. Once I considered some to cover up the bags under my eyes, but decided against it.

I get spikes all the time, mostly from seeing myself in the mirror or happening across an article or a post online of something related to being trans. Most of the time I feel neutral, though.

I'm afraid of having to transition without wanting to do it. I've never agreed with the thoughts. I want them to go away even though I know perfectly well that's not how it works.

I keep getting flashbacks to my past and I have to pore over each memory to see if it was "evidence" of being trans.

I don't want to get rid of my beard or penis or anything.

Sometimes when I read that trans people look in the mirror and wish to see themselves as the other gender that I'd want that, too. But I don't!

I hate to become another repetitive parrot but I hope I'm not going too nutty here.

Hi, I have the same issues as you: I am a gay male too and I’ve always been content with my body but since one random night my mind started asking me “what if you’re trans?” And I’ve been in hell since then. Mine switched themes too but with harm ocd and health ocd but from what I read from you experience you don’t seem trans to me

youllgetoverit wrote:
The only "different" feeling I've had is just being socially awkward and not always getting social cues. But I'm continually working on that.

Not understanding certain social cues and being socially awkward has nothing to do with being trans. I mean, i'm sure trans people feel out of place in social situations when being referred to the gender they do not associate with, however that doesn't mean having social anxiety or anything of the sort means you're transgender.

youllgetoverit wrote: The only issue I have with my body is my weight, but I've been on a diet for almost a year and've lost nearly 30 pounds.

I had weight issues when I was a child too. I was always the fat sibling and it made me feel bad about my body. Obviously feeling fat isn't going to feel good. Doesn't mean you're trans. If the only thing about your body that bothered you was your weight, and not primary or secondary sexual characteristics, then it's not gender dysphoria.

youllgetoverit wrote: Back when I started to worry about being trans in high school, I'd start to fixate on things about my body and worry if I was having dysphoria about them. I read online about trans people having dysphoria over their voice, hair on their body, etc. I started to worry that my deep voice, which I like, and my beard, which I especially like, are things I may have dysphoria over. But I've never felt as if I had to get rid of them.

That's so OCD...

youllgetoverit wrote: I've never worn makeup and don't really want to. Once I considered some to cover up the bags under my eyes, but decided against it.

I mean, i'm a cis gay male and I LOVE makeup. It's such a fun thing to play around with, but it does not decide your gender. It only decides your gender EXPRESSION which is not the same as identity.

sickofbeinginvalid wrote: Makeup is a fun thing to play around with, but it does not decide your gender. It only decides your gender EXPRESSION which is not the same as identity.

I don't understand that. I identify as male and don't want to express myself as anything but male. But could I be in denial? Sometimes I worry that I feel effeminate and then everything in my mind just spirals downwards...

Also what happens sometimes is that I go for a haircut, get it cut short, and then even though I think it looks good and it makes me look handsome, I keep worrying that I'm in denial and that I need to grow it more feminine. But I really dislike long hair.

youllgetoverit wrote:

sickofbeinginvalid wrote: Makeup is a fun thing to play around with, but it does not decide your gender. It only decides your gender EXPRESSION which is not the same as identity.

I don't understand that. I identify as male and don't want to express myself as anything but male. But could I be in denial? Sometimes I worry that I feel effeminate and then everything in my mind just spirals downwards...

Gender expression and identity are completely different. Gender expression is how you want to express your self, whether that would be feminine or masculine. Gender identity is wanting to be male or female. If you really would not want to express yourself in a feminine way then I don’t understand why you would even have a slight doubt that MAYBE you want to be a woman... but then again you have OCD so clearly none of it makes sense to begin with.


What I mean to say is that just because I wear makeup does not mean I am or am not trans. I can tell you right now I’m not trans, and I still like to fleek my eyebrows and wear foundation and contour. It doesn’t mean anything unless you WANT it to mean something.