A Good Ol' HOCD post. (possibly tw)

Hi. So, I'm nearing 22 years old (in a week) and I've now acquired what I hope is HOCD. I'm a female, and I've always considered myself straight. I've never ever had a crush on another woman and ever since I can remember I've liked men, pictured myself with them, getting married, etc, etc. I feel like this is going to sound like a lot of other HOCD posts, but typing it out is relieving some of the anxiety. I've had bouts of HOCD for maybe 8 years and for a while I didn't even know it was a thing until I looked up OCD and found all the other kinds there were. I've struggled with OCD my ENTIRE life. Ever since I can remember. I think actually it started with germ OCD and I would wash my hands raw and then I had so many more such as major harm OCD (to the point where I almost admitted myself to a mental hospital because I felt like I was going crazy), slight POCD, Magical Thinking OCD, Religious OCD, I mean, you name it, I've probably had it. My last spike in unmanageable OCD was about 2 years ago where I thought I was developing schizophrenia. I remember feeling literally insane and like I was truly losing my mind. Anyways, back to the HOCD. Like I said, I've had spikes of it before but was always able to talk myself out of it or move on. But, this time I was quite literally triggered into it from a tumblr post about a girl talking about how she realized she was actually into girls and not guys and was forcing it to please her mom. I instantly thought, "well, am I faking it too?" Since I've had bouts of this before and just generally have HOCD thoughts every once in a while, I thought this had to have been the case. That I've been faking my liking to boys my entire life and am actually in denial or being gay. Which, I really don't think I am. Like i said, I've never felt an attraction to women emotionally nor sexually (not that I think cause you know OCD is making me doubt literally everything). But, of course my mind pulls up memories from when I was younger and how me and my friends that were girls would "experiment" and kiss and whatever. I remember liking it, but not because they were girls. I was just a sexual child for some reason. I remember watching sex and the city and there were two girls having sex and I was into it but not because they were women, but because it was sex. Writing this out is kind of freaking me out because my brain is saying "well this means you must like it because you're gay". I've masturbated to lesbian porn since I was younger and straight porn and gay porn but always fell back on lesbian, but I was never attracted to the women. I don't even know where I'm going with this. I have been emotionally attracted, physically and sexually attracted to men. I remember this one guy I talked to online for a while, we'd just talk about sex and I don't think I've ever been as turned on as talking to him one night. I've never had a boyfriend in real life and only online things and I am a virgin but I get turned on to the thought of sex with a guy. Omg this is turning into one big sex post isn't it. Idk, to get to the point. Because of all this past stuff my brain is telling me I'm in denial and that I never have like guys when I know I have and (hopefully) still do. It's been about a week or so since this flared up and my stomach has been in knots and my anxiety has been through the roof and of course I have all the classic HOCD symptoms such as groinal responses, false attractions, loss of attraction to men. I'll have moments when I know I'm straight and it feels amazing and then the HOCD comes back even harder and it tells me that I'm just lying to myself and that I'm in denial. I'm sure there's more but I can't think right now. :/ is this OCD or am I just lying to myself?

Anyone?? I woke up this morning feeling absolutely awful.

Also because you know how good OCD works, if this is even OCD, everything that I read I feel like I'm picking up on. Like, last week I was just terrified of the thought of being gay and I read that real gay people fear the thought of coming out and now I'm thinking "well if I have to come out what will my family think? I don't want to be my mothers gay daughter!" Like, this surely can't be OCD can it? Ugh I feel so sick to my stomach, I can't even leave my bed. Someone please reply

Happy early birthday. I'm a 31 year old male and have suffered HOCD since May 2006 when I was 19. It sucked being in college which is supposed to be a fun and enlightening time, and being burdened by this disorder. I'll try and list a few things

1. HOCD is rough because it's innate. Unlike checking doors or getting health check-ups there is no "definitive" way to determine sex orientation because it is innate. This leads to endless checking.

2. I highly recommend seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist. This site should not be a substitution for seeing a therapist, it's more of a supplement.

3. I think my reluctance to date coupled with my anxiety served as a catalyst for HOCD. If you think that is a reason that would be a great opening if you see a therapist. OCD is genetic but environment triggers it.

mc1 wrote:Happy early birthday. I'm a 31 year old male and have suffered HOCD since May 2006 when I was 19. It sucked being in college which is supposed to be a fun and enlightening time, and being burdened by this disorder. I'll try and list a few things

1. HOCD is rough because it's innate. Unlike checking doors or getting health check-ups there is no "definitive" way to determine sex orientation because it is innate. This leads to endless checking.

2. I highly recommend seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist. This site should not be a substitution for seeing a therapist, it's more of a supplement.

3. I think my reluctance to date coupled with my anxiety served as a catalyst for HOCD. If you think that is a reason that would be a great opening if you see a therapist. OCD is genetic but environment triggers it.

I agree with the psychologist part and well all of it, but I don't have means or funds to have one right now so posting here was kind of a way of keeping my mind at bay until I had the opportunity of finding a psychiatrist/therapist. As someone who suffers from HOCD, do you think that's what this is? Is that okay for me to ask...?

mnv17 wrote:I agree with the psychologist part and well all of it, but I don't have means or funds to have one right now so posting here was kind of a way of keeping my mind at bay until I had the opportunity of finding a psychiatrist/therapist. As someone who suffers from HOCD, do you think that's what this is? Is that okay for me to ask...?

I think so. In the Summer of 2006 I went online asking people if I was gay or turned gay. I was scared with the answers I received, until someone said it sounded like OCD. I found a website about HOCD and it gave me a sense of security and belonging. I think this is HOCD based on what you've stated. You're a woman that's liked guys all her life and then recently at age 22 you feel like you're a lesbian. It's similar to my story and others that I've spoken to online. I was in college when HOCD afflicted me and before that I was crazy about women. Granted, I never had a girlfriend but I knew what I liked. The lack of a girlfriend and any sort of love life in my opinion was the catalyst for my HOCD.

mc1 wrote:I think so. In the Summer of 2006 I went online asking people if I was gay or turned gay. I was scared with the answers I received, until someone said it sounded like OCD. I found a website about HOCD and it gave me a sense of security and belonging. I think this is HOCD based on what you've stated. You're a woman that's liked guys all her life and then recently at age 22 you feel like you're a lesbian. It's similar to my story and others that I've spoken to online. I was in college when HOCD afflicted me and before that I was crazy about women. Granted, I never had a girlfriend but I knew what I liked. The lack of a girlfriend and any sort of love life in my opinion was the catalyst for my HOCD.

Well, I've have HOCD since I was maybe like 14 or so. But even throughout then I had crushes on guys and "boyfriends" and stuff. Never once did I think I was having an attraction to a girl or like a crush until the HOCD popped up, but then i would push it aside. Does that still sound like HOCD?

That's what I alluded to in my last post. I crushed on women all the time until HOCD afflicted me in May 2006 and I started spiking. It sounds like you have HOCD.