Hocd feels too real now

Okay, so i've been on a hiatus for a couple months now. And i thought that the thoughts were going away. But i still keep thinking about it. And i've never questioned before, and now i'm scared what if my past was a lie and i'm lying to myself how i feel. I was diagnosed with ocd for about 5 months now. But i still can't convince myself that they are ocd thoughts. My friend came out to me as bisexual and she's known that she was all her life. While i've only ever crushed on boys. But watching lesbian porn as a child and kissing a girl which i liked makes me question myself and i begin ruminating. Also the fact that i look at a girls top and i get groinal responses. I take quizzes to see what my sexuality is. Idk if i even sound straight, or the fact that i act, dress, and talk somewhat masculine. If ppl say to accept yourself when really you're not happy with who u r and you envision the person u want to be, i'd rather follow my vision. Now i think i might be bi and i feel like it's genuine. I don't feel as anxious as i did months ago, but instead it's more like major depression. I just don't know anymore.

I know that i'm seeking reassurance, but i need to know if anyone out there feels the same or something similar. Even though the thoughts have been less loud, either way they're still there,and now looking back into when my HOCD was bad, i feel as if i'm more lost than ever, i don't feel happy or sad, but numb and now i don't know what i want, i still look into my past to reassure myself, am i just really forcing myself to be someone i'm not, i even saw lesbian porn and at the moment i liked it, but after i felt my heart beat and i started crying. i feel nothing, and i stopped caring.

I'm about to give up, i've been having thoughts of death and how i'd rather die i would be so much happier than being alive. My family doesn't care anymore and have ignored me i have no one else to turn to now.

It seems pwOCD frequently have thoughts of death or 'would rather die'. I do the same thing. I think it's just some kind of running away from our fears that we're doing in our head.