HOCD is ruining my life

A lot of angst, yes. And a lot of OCD. But keep in mind this isn't HOCD, because I knew I had genuine same-sex desires. But OCD is going to do its thing. So a lot of hand-wringing over being gay or straight. My angst would come and go, depending on how my sexuality fluctuated around a base point on the Kinsey. Until I finally made the conscious decision to consider myself Bi. Which largely evaporated my angst.

But this is self-torture over something I knew I had issues with, pretty much my entire sexually aware life. This isn't intrusive ego-dystonic thoughts. This... was not the same kind of doubting. This was never a 'What if'? moment of panic, as so many people here relate. This is not the same thing as HOCD for people with no history of same-sex desires. The main thing you cannot shake, when you have genuine unwanted desires (as opposed to intrusive thoughts OCD uses to create anxiety), is the desires themselves. You want what you want, even if you don't want to want it.

If you have sexual desire, I believe you pretty much know it. Very few of the folks who post on here sound as if they're doing anything more than having anxieties and fears that are largely groundless.

What makes HOCD hard is we find the thoughts genuine. I've always loved women and then at 19 HOCD hit and I found myself checking out guys and would spike if I found a man attractive. I still spike when I write this as it sounds like I'm gay. Then again, at 31 if I was gay I would've known years ago.

Snaga wrote:A lot of angst, yes. And a lot of OCD. But keep in mind this isn't HOCD, because I knew I had genuine same-sex desires. But OCD is going to do its thing. So a lot of hand-wringing over being gay or straight. My angst would come and go, depending on how my sexuality fluctuated around a base point on the Kinsey. Until I finally made the conscious decision to consider myself Bi. Which largely evaporated my angst.

But this is self-torture over something I knew I had issues with, pretty much my entire sexually aware life. This isn't intrusive ego-dystonic thoughts. This... was not the same kind of doubting. This was never a 'What if'? moment of panic, as so many people here relate. This is not the same thing as HOCD for people with no history of same-sex desires. The main thing you cannot shake, when you have genuine unwanted desires (as opposed to intrusive thoughts OCD uses to create anxiety), is the desires themselves. You want what you want, even if you don't want to want it.

If you have sexual desire, I believe you pretty much know it. Very few of the folks who post on here sound as if they're doing anything more than having anxieties and fears that are largely groundless.

That's the difference many people don't get between real desires and intrusive thoughts. Did your libido or opposite sex attraction suffer during that time? For me, these thoughts have crippled my libido, and made me depressed overall. I can't believe it's been two months since this began, it feels even longer. This is by far the worst I have ever felt. I have even tried agreeing with the thoughts, but it still doesn't stop them. With you, I assume admitting you were bi stopped the constant ruminating? I made myself feel even worse by stumbling upon things about people who claimed they became gay in their 30s, which seems absurd, as most people know that stuff much earlier. That served as another spike and kept me up all night. Upon reading that, I looked at the photo of the girl i was crushing on prior to this and began to cry. Last night was the most hellacious night of my life in years, perhaps ever. So much mental anguish.

MTL1991 wrote:Did your libido or opposite sex attraction suffer during that time?

It suffers when I obsess over the same sex stuff and let myself worry too much about it, yes.

MTL1991 wrote:With you, I assume admitting you were bi stopped the constant ruminating?

It slowed down the going back-and-forth, yes.

I also find it hard to believe that folks would have no idea, or 'turn gay', that late in life without there being something already there. I personally think it's somewhere between birth, and maybe 13, 14 at the outside. From what I've seen and read, it doesn't really seem to change after that, not for males.

MTL1991 wrote:

Snaga wrote:A lot of angst, yes. And a lot of OCD. But keep in mind this isn't HOCD, because I knew I had genuine same-sex desires. But OCD is going to do its thing. So a lot of hand-wringing over being gay or straight. My angst would come and go, depending on how my sexuality fluctuated around a base point on the Kinsey. Until I finally made the conscious decision to consider myself Bi. Which largely evaporated my angst.

But this is self-torture over something I knew I had issues with, pretty much my entire sexually aware life. This isn't intrusive ego-dystonic thoughts. This... was not the same kind of doubting. This was never a 'What if'? moment of panic, as so many people here relate. This is not the same thing as HOCD for people with no history of same-sex desires. The main thing you cannot shake, when you have genuine unwanted desires (as opposed to intrusive thoughts OCD uses to create anxiety), is the desires themselves. You want what you want, even if you don't want to want it.

If you have sexual desire, I believe you pretty much know it. Very few of the folks who post on here sound as if they're doing anything more than having anxieties and fears that are largely groundless.

That's the difference many people don't get between real desires and intrusive thoughts. Did your libido or opposite sex attraction suffer during that time? For me, these thoughts have crippled my libido, and made me depressed overall. I can't believe it's been two months since this began, it feels even longer. This is by far the worst I have ever felt. I have even tried agreeing with the thoughts, but it still doesn't stop them. With you, I assume admitting you were bi stopped the constant ruminating? I made myself feel even worse by stumbling upon things about people who claimed they became gay in their 30s, which seems absurd, as most people know that stuff much earlier. That served as another spike and kept me up all night. Upon reading that, I looked at the photo of the girl i was crushing on prior to this and began to cry. Last night was the most hellacious night of my life in years, perhaps ever. So much mental anguish.

I know what you mean about being afraid when hearing stories about men in their 30s becoming gay. You start to look back in hindsights at thoughts and stuff like that and wonder if it attributes to anything. But I guess as Snaga says stuff like that is hard to suppress whether religious, homophobic and all that. Well that is what I keep telling myself, I am constantly plagued by thoughts about all sorts, possible crashes, denial, second-guessing attraction to women, the usual suspects. I feel like only time is the best reassurance despite all the evidence that suggests that we're straight. OCD and intrusive thoughts demand absolutes and that makes the loop even more difficult to break out of. I don't even have OCD rituals well not often it's most intrusive and obsessive thoughts and actions.

Linoahs121 wrote:

MTL1991 wrote:

Snaga wrote:A lot of angst, yes. And a lot of OCD. But keep in mind this isn't HOCD, because I knew I had genuine same-sex desires. But OCD is going to do its thing. So a lot of hand-wringing over being gay or straight. My angst would come and go, depending on how my sexuality fluctuated around a base point on the Kinsey. Until I finally made the conscious decision to consider myself Bi. Which largely evaporated my angst.

But this is self-torture over something I knew I had issues with, pretty much my entire sexually aware life. This isn't intrusive ego-dystonic thoughts. This... was not the same kind of doubting. This was never a 'What if'? moment of panic, as so many people here relate. This is not the same thing as HOCD for people with no history of same-sex desires. The main thing you cannot shake, when you have genuine unwanted desires (as opposed to intrusive thoughts OCD uses to create anxiety), is the desires themselves. You want what you want, even if you don't want to want it.

If you have sexual desire, I believe you pretty much know it. Very few of the folks who post on here sound as if they're doing anything more than having anxieties and fears that are largely groundless.

That's the difference many people don't get between real desires and intrusive thoughts. Did your libido or opposite sex attraction suffer during that time? For me, these thoughts have crippled my libido, and made me depressed overall. I can't believe it's been two months since this began, it feels even longer. This is by far the worst I have ever felt. I have even tried agreeing with the thoughts, but it still doesn't stop them. With you, I assume admitting you were bi stopped the constant ruminating? I made myself feel even worse by stumbling upon things about people who claimed they became gay in their 30s, which seems absurd, as most people know that stuff much earlier. That served as another spike and kept me up all night. Upon reading that, I looked at the photo of the girl i was crushing on prior to this and began to cry. Last night was the most hellacious night of my life in years, perhaps ever. So much mental anguish.

I know what you mean about being afraid when hearing stories about men in their 30s becoming gay. You start to look back in hindsights at thoughts and stuff like that and wonder if it attributes to anything. But I guess as Snaga says stuff like that is hard to suppress whether religious, homophobic and all that. Well that is what I keep telling myself, I am constantly plagued by thoughts about all sorts, possible crashes, denial, second-guessing attraction to women, the usual suspects. I feel like only time is the best reassurance despite all the evidence that suggests that we're straight. OCD and intrusive thoughts demand absolutes and that makes the loop even more difficult to break out of. I don't even have OCD rituals well not often it's most intrusive and obsessive thoughts and actions.

OCD feeds on uncertainty. We want 100% confirmation, and when we're denied that, our minds start to panic.

I know what you mean about being afraid when hearing stories about men in their 30s becoming gay. You start to look back in hindsights at thoughts and stuff like that and wonder if it attributes to anything. But I guess as Snaga says stuff like that is hard to suppress whether religious, homophobic and all that. Well that is what I keep telling myself, I am constantly plagued by thoughts about all sorts, possible crashes, denial, second-guessing attraction to women, the usual suspects. I feel like only time is the best reassurance despite all the evidence that suggests that we're straight. OCD and intrusive thoughts demand absolutes and that makes the loop even more difficult to break out of. I don't even have OCD rituals well not often it's most intrusive and obsessive thoughts and actions.[/quote]

OCD feeds on uncertainty. We want 100% confirmation, and when we're denied that, our minds start to panic.[/quote]

To add to that, my earliest memory of OCD causing me a lot of stress was in my mid teens. I had constant worries of wrecking and dying when I became old enough to drive, and it resulted in me not driving until I was 21. I eventually got out of that mental state, and my OCD resurfaced a few years later with a colon cancer scare that lasted months.

-- Fri Mar 23, 2018 11:16 pm --

Snaga wrote:A lot of angst, yes. And a lot of OCD. But keep in mind this isn't HOCD, because I knew I had genuine same-sex desires. But OCD is going to do its thing. So a lot of hand-wringing over being gay or straight. My angst would come and go, depending on how my sexuality fluctuated around a base point on the Kinsey. Until I finally made the conscious decision to consider myself Bi. Which largely evaporated my angst.

But this is self-torture over something I knew I had issues with, pretty much my entire sexually aware life. This isn't intrusive ego-dystonic thoughts. This... was not the same kind of doubting. This was never a 'What if'? moment of panic, as so many people here relate. This is not the same thing as HOCD for people with no history of same-sex desires. The main thing you cannot shake, when you have genuine unwanted desires (as opposed to intrusive thoughts OCD uses to create anxiety), is the desires themselves. You want what you want, even if you don't want to want it.

If you have sexual desire, I believe you pretty much know it. Very few of the folks who post on here sound as if they're doing anything more than having anxieties and fears that are largely groundless.

Also, in regards to your sexuality, did thoughts about it play in your mind almost 24/7 and nothing seemed to resolve them? That's how I often feel. No matter what I tell myself, the thoughts won't stop. I will add I also have Aspergers, albeit a mild case of it. That too adds to my mind demanding black and white answers to everything and 100% certainty.

MTL1991 wrote:did thoughts about it play in your mind almost 24/7 and nothing seemed to resolve them?

No, it didn't. Just the occasional beating myself up.

mc1 wrote:OCD feeds on uncertainty. We want 100% confirmation, and when we're denied that, our minds start to panic.

Try being in the middle of the Kinsey scale, sometime, and see if that doesn't want to make you rip your face off and tear it into tiny shreds:
https://youtu.be/r60lVSiF1AA

We're not binary- and what could be more ambiguous than sexuality? OCD will jump on that like starving wolves on a wounded elk.

Snaga wrote:

MTL1991 wrote:did thoughts about it play in your mind almost 24/7 and nothing seemed to resolve them?

No, it didn't. Just the occasional beating myself up.

mc1 wrote:OCD feeds on uncertainty. We want 100% confirmation, and when we're denied that, our minds start to panic.

Try being in the middle of the Kinsey scale, sometime, and see if that doesn't want to make you rip your face off and tear it into tiny shreds:
https://youtu.be/r60lVSiF1AA

We're not binary- and what could be more ambiguous than sexuality? OCD will jump on that like starving wolves on a wounded elk.

The logical part of me knows that everyone has had some sexual thoughts that aren't entirely straight (or gay for homosexual people), I have known straight women who made suggestive comments about their female friends from time to time for example, but my mind tries to act like sexuality can only be 100% in a certain way.

MTL1991 wrote:

Snaga wrote:

MTL1991 wrote:did thoughts about it play in your mind almost 24/7 and nothing seemed to resolve them?

No, it didn't. Just the occasional beating myself up.

mc1 wrote:OCD feeds on uncertainty. We want 100% confirmation, and when we're denied that, our minds start to panic.

Try being in the middle of the Kinsey scale, sometime, and see if that doesn't want to make you rip your face off and tear it into tiny shreds:
https://youtu.be/r60lVSiF1AA

We're not binary- and what could be more ambiguous than sexuality? OCD will jump on that like starving wolves on a wounded elk.

The logical part of me knows that everyone has had some sexual thoughts that aren't entirely straight (or gay for homosexual people), I have known straight women who made suggestive comments about their female friends from time to time for example, but my mind tries to act like sexuality can only be 100% in a certain way.

Sexuality is more complex than you, I or anyone else can imagine. That being said, humans aren't robots and we are blessed with recognizing aesthetic and that there are attractive people. HOCD takes this natural inclination and distorts it. Thus, when he see an attractive man we think we're gay. I was in the gym today and there was a built guy in a tank top. I avoided looking at him for fear that I would seem gay. Although I would look at him to check whether I was really attracted to him. It's a pain for sure.