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HOCD is ruining my life

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HOCD is ruining my life

Postby MTL1991 » Tue Mar 06, 2018 7:22 pm

Over the last month, HOCD has been driving me nuts. It began with a random thought of myself being penetrated as a woman, and it spiraled from there. I had a bodily response to it and gender bending had been an on and off kink of mine for awhile, among other weird kinks like incest. But one day, I got this paranoid delusion that the fantasy meant I was a straight woman, when in reality I have no interest in men or desire to live as a woman. My mind won't leave me about this and it's causing my physical and mental stress. My appetite is lower now, I sleep a little worse than I used to, and my ability to get physically aroused is gone (I only get weak erections in the morning or by touching myself and random erections have stopped entirely), and these thoughts keep running through my head and are making me uncomfortable. I have fallen into the same mind traps many people do with this condition, such as watching content of women being penetrated and trying to put myself in the woman's place, but I felt nothing, looking up things about trans people, trying to evaluate my past, etc. Before this happened in late January I was so happy and crushing on a young woman I met in college, but since this happened, my interest and focus in her as dropped, as these thoughts dominate my mind. This also isn't the first time OCD has reared its ugly head at me, either. In 2014, it drove me crazy by making me think I had colon cancer because of a small speck of blood in stool once and in 2013, made me think I had HIV because I got a fever later that night after hooking up with a girl. I just want this to stop so I can go back to how I felt before this began. I felt so much happier and more focused.
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Re: HOCD is ruining my life

Postby Linoahs121 » Wed Mar 07, 2018 7:25 am

I know where you're coming from mate, I have a history of ocd (duality, health, ritual) and shifted from one place to another now it's sexuality which is a complicated because sexuality doesn't rely on absolutes but ocd does.

Something that I would dimiss years ago, for instance a gay intrusive thought is now interpreted as a subconscious message of always being gay.

It's hard to rationalise that's for sure, as you st a rt thinking that you're just in deep denial. Something in me has definitely changed but it's more my habits and how I perceive the world. You have to look at the evidence of the past and present then let time be the judge. It's hard but that other than CBT and exposure therapy can effectively shift your perception. I wish I had the solution I'm deepnin the rabbit hole and afraid of the idea of piv with girls atm. Of course my mind is putting it to you know what. You're not alone mate we are all on the same boat. And trying to get off it.
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Re: HOCD is ruining my life

Postby MTL1991 » Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:59 am

Linoahs121 wrote:I know where you're coming from mate, I have a history of ocd (duality, health, ritual) and shifted from one place to another now it's sexuality which is a complicated because sexuality doesn't rely on absolutes but ocd does.

Something that I would dimiss years ago, for instance a gay intrusive thought is now interpreted as a subconscious message of always being gay.

It's hard to rationalise that's for sure, as you st a rt thinking that you're just in deep denial. Something in me has definitely changed but it's more my habits and how I perceive the world. You have to look at the evidence of the past and present then let time be the judge. It's hard but that other than CBT and exposure therapy can effectively shift your perception. I wish I had the solution I'm deepnin the rabbit hole and afraid of the idea of piv with girls atm. Of course my mind is putting it to you know what. You're not alone mate we are all on the same boat. And trying to get off it.


What's so frustrating about this is that it's a combo of trans and orientation OCD and result technically keeps me straight, but in a position and life I don't want. I don't want to live as a woman, be with guys or any combination in between. Ever since this happened, my libido has been hit and getting physically aroused has been difficult, which makes the fear even worse.
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Re: HOCD is ruining my life

Postby chanceshiff22 » Fri Mar 16, 2018 11:39 pm

*mod edit*
Last edited by Snaga on Mon Mar 19, 2018 1:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: troll
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Re: HOCD is ruining my life

Postby mc1 » Sat Mar 17, 2018 7:00 pm

chanceshiff22 wrote:There is no such thing as hocd.


Do not listen to Chance. He is trolling and that is VERY unacceptable here. People on here are suffering from mental disorders and mental illness and do not need to feel invalidated.
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Re: HOCD is ruining my life

Postby chanceshiff22 » Sun Mar 18, 2018 6:03 am

*mod edit*
Last edited by Snaga on Mon Mar 19, 2018 1:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: troll
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Re: HOCD is ruining my life

Postby Snaga » Mon Mar 19, 2018 1:46 am

Troll. Disregard him. I'll keep the thread open, refuse to let it be derailed, just give those statements the attention they deserve: None.
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Re: HOCD is ruining my life

Postby MTL1991 » Mon Mar 19, 2018 7:02 pm

It improved for a few days, but it has a way of reeling people back in. At night and early morning is when it's worst. What it does in my case is get me thinking because I have morning erections that it's the sexually distressing thoughts doing it, not ones natural body processes. The thought of one of those sexually intrusive thoughts ever becoming a reality made me feel sick the other day and I started breathing hard.
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Re: HOCD is ruining my life

Postby Snaga » Mon Mar 19, 2018 11:46 pm

Well....

I have harm OCD. Intrusive harm thoughts. I learned to disregard them as preposterous.

Okay so I'm talking from from a bisexual perspective... but on some level, sex- is just sex. Some of it is our cuppa. Some of it ain't. Try to just remind yourself that these intrusive gay thoughts ain't your thing. I treat OCD as a separate thing, sometimes. An adversary. These are ego-dystonic thoughts (read that once so I like to whip it out every now and again :mrgreen: )... they're not YOU. They're just thoughts. The more you react to them, the stronger you make them- sometimes I like to think of OCD as a monster that lives on fear, with squatter's rights in my head.

When I quit fighting the intrusive harm thoughts, and just let them have their say (without agreeing I was going to act on them), then that takes the wind out of their sails a bit. Refuse to worry about having them. Starve the monster, make it weaker. Then the thoughts got better, less frequent, and less worrying.

These are just thoughts- if you don't feel excitement at the idea of other guys, then these are just thoughts...
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Re: HOCD is ruining my life

Postby MTL1991 » Tue Mar 20, 2018 2:36 am

Snaga wrote:Well....

I have harm OCD. Intrusive harm thoughts. I learned to disregard them as preposterous.

Okay so I'm talking from from a bisexual perspective... but on some level, sex- is just sex. Some of it is our cuppa. Some of it ain't. Try to just remind yourself that these intrusive gay thoughts ain't your thing. I treat OCD as a separate thing, sometimes. An adversary. These are ego-dystonic thoughts (read that once so I like to whip it out every now and again :mrgreen: )... they're not YOU. They're just thoughts. The more you react to them, the stronger you make them- sometimes I like to think of OCD as a monster that lives on fear, with squatter's rights in my head.

When I quit fighting the intrusive harm thoughts, and just let them have their say (without agreeing I was going to act on them), then that takes the wind out of their sails a bit. Refuse to worry about having them. Starve the monster, make it weaker. Then the thoughts got better, less frequent, and less worrying.

These are just thoughts- if you don't feel excitement at the idea of other guys, then these are just thoughts...


I have tried that. It helps some. Did your coming to discover you were bi torment you though, or make you feel depressed all the time, or could you shake them? I literally can't shake these thoughts sometimes. Also, the thought of not having a life with a woman has literally made me cry and I had a nightmare about it.
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