HOCD or denial (21/F)

Im a 21 year old female and always thought of myself as straight, always had crushes on boys, when i fantasized about real people it was always boys and god knows how vivid my imagination was especially back in the days (midschool - highschool) tho, sexually I can only orgasm to lesbian porn (or gay male porn) but i cannot get off on straight porn I don't know what is wrong with me but I can't, i watched so much gay porn (lesbian and gay) that i can't really get off real sex in real life, I mean i enjoy it a lot but I can't really get off from penetration, i get very close when i get licked but that's it. Anyway, besides of that I've always been an extremely anxious person and when i say extremely i mean EXTREMELY, been diagnosed with OCD, General Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar disorder you name it. I'm in such a happy relationship right now with my boyfriend but sometimes I think to myself : what if I love girls? what if i think I'm in love right now but i don't know what true love is? why do i think its ok not being able to cum? could i cum with another girl. But at the same time these thoughts scare me to death because i don't wanna leave my boyfriend, I don't wanna stop having sex with boys, I don't want to force myself into dating girls. I keep checking if im attracted to girls but i always get immense anxiety from it. And my interpretation of this anxiety is that i must be in denial. I don't know what to think , i just don't wanna worry over this anymore but i don't know what's true. Someone had the same experience as me?

Hey, sorry you’re feeling so anxious.

In your post, you mention how you feel about sex. You talk about how concerned you are with how you’re supposed to feel during real life sexual scenarios. If I may though, I think you’re paying too much attention with how you’re supposed to feel and this is what the OCD or anxiety wants. The anxiety wants you too feel like you are incapable of truly feeling connected. You did say you enjoy sexual encounters with your boyfriend then leave it at that without further analyzing how much of an orgasm you’re supposed too feel.

You need to try and use some cognitive restructuring to challenge the thoughts and feelings ocd is throwing at you.

The important thing to remember is feelings don’t necessarily constitute facts of who we are.