Transgender ocd i am begging you to help me

This thing hit me a little bit now, as a part of my straight ocd(you can read my topic) I was getting a bit crazy lately, but i'm getting a control step-by-step. I don't wont to do any drugs actually. Maybe except (psilocybe, md*a)
I'm an active gay(perhaps a little bi) man since the day i remember, i love guys not just because, but also because i am a guy myself, i have a man soul and spirit! The world is men-centrated for me. But OCR is a b***h, from health ocr to magic ocr to counting ocr to straight ocr...It can alternate our real thoughts, and anxiety we feel, repulsion, and even that ugly gross feeling towards our fears only approves that's it's just ocr (mostly Pure-O) misfiring of the brain due to genetics, melancholic personality, or increased thinking and attention on all things.
The thing is..it's #######4, if thoughts of being a women is disgusting to you, as they're to me, you are not trans.
I love my big one i love him so much omg) and I NEVER WILL cut it off to have a digusting abomination between my legs, but ocr plays on our fears, and it could give false memories/thoughts of depersonalization and anything, and could distract us from nice things in live, do you think people with harm ocr rly want to kill people? Or really want to kill own children? Or really stopped loving their families?

Dude when you say “if you think being woman is disgusting dor you” triggers me because my mind automaticly checking it and i am asking myself do i like being woman and imagining a vagina instead of my penis and while i am doing that at the same time i am checking my emotions and reactions and my anxiety getting a high level my heart and my breathe getting faster and my emotions being like broken
I feel disgust and emptiness and bunch of other emotions and for 15 minutes of checking i can not decide becuase of my anxiety even i say i dont like being woman and it is disgusting my brains says are you sure or says if you dont like being woman then why are you feeling weird about your genital because you are trans and i am going crazy i feel hyper awareness on my genital i feel it all the time and i look my genital or touch it to check my emotions. I dont know who i am anymore and my deepest fear is what if i decide to get rid of my penis. This thought kills me. I dont understand an 18 years old man cannot turn trans in one week. I was comfortable my body and love my body i still love being man and i can not think myself as woman but again my brain says if you think like that why are feeling weird about your genital and this circle never ends it keeeeeeps going until i sleep. When i wake up. What i do first is thinking about this circle and trying to prove myself that i am not trans. Physical torture is better than ocd. This evil thing can make you kill yourself and i am at that point if i decide to turn woman i will kill myself i promise because being woman is not my desire if i will do that its because of madness caused by ocd

wsdNn wrote:Dude when you say “if you think being woman is disgusting dor you” triggers me because my mind automaticly checking it and i am asking myself do i like being woman and imagining a vagina instead of my penis and while i am doing that at the same time i am checking my emotions and reactions and my anxiety getting a high level my heart and my breathe getting faster and my emotions being like broken
I feel disgust and emptiness and bunch of other emotions and for 15 minutes of checking i can not decide becuase of my anxiety even i say i dont like being woman and it is disgusting my brains says are you sure or says if you dont like being woman then why are you feeling weird about your genital because you are trans and i am going crazy i feel hyper awareness on my genital i feel it all the time and i look my genital or touch it to check my emotions. I dont know who i am anymore and my deepest fear is what if i decide to get rid of my penis. This thought kills me. I dont understand an 18 years old man cannot turn trans in one week. I was comfortable my body and love my body i still love being man and i can not think myself as woman but again my brain says if you think like that why are feeling weird about your genital and this circle never ends it keeeeeeps going until i sleep. When i wake up. What i do first is thinking about this circle and trying to prove myself that i am not trans. Physical torture is better than ocd. This evil thing can make you kill yourself and i am at that point if i decide to turn woman i will kill myself i promise because being woman is not my desire if i will do that its because of madness caused by ocd

Omg so sorry! I didn't wanted to hurt you and mostly TRIGGER omg...i just said my opinion. You aren't trans, neither do i, because these thoughts are repellent. I spiked just because my internet-game friend descided to change his sex...it was traumatizing experience for me and i also asked my obsessive brain what if...only 1 damn time( Main cause of OCD is a tendency to try on other shoes(metaphoricaly) when you seed a person whos i'll or simillar, and thinking, "what if it would happen to me?" and usual response "god forbid" and then Obsessions start =(

-- Sun Feb 18, 2018 9:58 pm --

Btw i even fear of going to PI cause, you know, i'm in Russia...we have nice doctors but NOT in psychology nor psychiatry. Maybe we do yeah but it's maximum 10% of all p and pt's

I really dont know what should i do about that. And i also dont know if i ever be able to get back to old myself... my emotions gone mad i can feel everything and sometimes it feels like i dont like my genital
And when i feel that way it kills me i dont want to feel like this, i want to love myself and being man. I can not be happy as woman but why i feel like this. I am going to go therapist this thursday i am scared that she will say that i am trans when i say my feelings about my genital area

But the therapist knows you're OCD, right?

She said that i have ocd but i doubt everything even is this ocd ?

If you have a known history of OCD, I doubt they will be quick to label you transgender, sweetie.

I dont know what to say. I am lost. I lost myself. I dont enjoy life anymore. And being alive is like torture and my mind never stops but i can control it sometimes but hardest thing cant control the feelings its the most painful part. I cant control my feelings i have never felt like i dont like myself or feel weird about my genital. This is all so confusing and my life became this stuff no other things, i can not study i can not have fun i can not dream i can not feel this feelings are my curse and they wont leave me until i die. I dont know how can i learn live with this or can i ? I am going to fight with this for 3-5 years and if they wont go. I will think about suicide i need 3-5 years becuase before deciding it i need to spend time with the people i love

Oh gosh sweetie don't be thinking about suicide. I understand that it's something that's on your mind, but we see that sentiment so much in the OCD forums- I do suicide ideation a lot, also- personally, I think it's just wanting to run away. I think if you were truly transgender, it would not be the Worst Thing In The World. You might be distressed, but not this distressed. And you would be, I believe, despondent for different reasons- such as not being able to transition.

Don't be afraid to talk about this fear to your therapist, they know you're OCD,

But ocd are just thoughts not feelings at least thats what i know. But this just feeling real that i feel weird when i look my genital and its like i dont want it but at the same time i dont want to live as woman, i want to be man and feel happy about my body do you think ocd can make you feel like this?
Can ocd effect our feelings too ? You have experinece about ocd. Can you answer this question but be honest please