Greetings from Russia intrusive thoughts Straight OCD or not

Howdy guys! Sorry for my bad english in this post if anything, i'm like self-taught since the age of 8+. I write this text on my own and on my current english level, which i tend to enchance of course! Hoping for some help or advices. I guess it's weird that some Russian guy posts anything here. But i'm in distress right now, i'm not sure if i have ocd or just "obsession" commixed with intrusive thoughts. But as you know, psychological help in my country IN these subject matter(also like actually being homosexual) is pretty terrible(from society point of view ofc), because most of the "doctors" to this very day tend to keep their ussr stereotypes about sexual orientation and count it as a desease of some kind even despite the fact it's not . So i came here. Also being gay/bi/other in my country mostly unwelcome by the society. and sometimes even dangerous (hello 21st century) But i still hope for some empathy (also i saw similar problems out here at least one) Okay here it comes ( i'm felling myself pretty anxious even writing that)
I always had a tend to talking to myself (in mind) and i guess these things is partially the reason of my possible OCD or not, overthinking things, thoughts, events in this world. So let me get to the point more rapidly, so the possible readers of this post won't waste time on "water" in text.
I love guys, literally, and always was sure about my orientation, even my first masturbation sessions were guy-related completely(they all were for the past 23+ years, and even still... even when i was watching straight porn i was looking only at men and penises, same thing happened when i had co-masturbations with straight male friends. I always thought about myself as a gay, despite the fact i always told the closest friends that i'm bi so they WOULD NOT think less of me as a man, despite the fact my friends had no problems with my sex-orientation. I came out to my mother also at the age of 16 and she was only partially ok with that, but she never was mad and me and always understood me.
-The Point-
Since the day i can remember myself, since the kindergarden i guess...i always loved guys, when i kissed and made out with them i was in HEAVEN(with the girls on the cotrary i felt nothing even during make-out sessions, with my heart and soul i was attached to guys i had relations with, i cried only about guys, and sheesh that's weird, i always liked how they smell and even sometimes got attached to their clothes. and my dreams was only about them, and whole my personality. Although i'm not and never was acting like gay, i'm just a guy who always loved and still love guys it's like in my soul. i never had any sufficient feelings for women what so ever(and i met plenty of women in my life, even made out hardly...i never felt anything, and i never was scary about my orientation i was OK with it always was pretty comfortable with my sexuality, in school i thought and imagined only guys in my sexual fantasies and romantical relations. I had my first experience with a guy at the age of 12 i guess and it was amazing! And in the moments of danger, or depression guys always were my wonderland where i can feel safe and calm.
Now i'm starting to lose it...or i think i'm. And in one time (after i had for a while hard obsessions about my health with rituals etc(after my grandma died i recieved the health OCD). I don't know HOW but i had a thought "what if i like girls?" it's hard to believe, but it's a real SCARE for me, just like it's scary for straight guys to have HOCD, girls, which are repellent to me(not in bad matter i just don't feel anything towards girls that's it" I had couple of girlfriends in my life, but i never wanted to do anything with them. I forgot that thought, and some point (recently) i got obsessed (ocassionaly) during orgasm i accidentaly thought of a girl, and that downed me, it became an intrusive thought. I even have troubles with going to bed because i always thought about guys while falling asleep, I don't know what the heck is wrong with me. Thoughts of girls are unpleasant to me, i feel like i'm being corrupted by this...really, that it drowns my energy, i DONT want to have a sex with a girl, i don't want to have relations with a girl what so ever. These thoughts are negative and simillar to those i had when i thought about health issues and diseases.
These thoughts are bringing me down. The most scary thing is that my MEMORIES AND FANTASIES GETTING REPLACED. That's awfull and brings pain to my soul, but i'm able to control it as much as possible for me right now. I still think of guys and my previous loved ones at the moments of despair, but i dont want to be depressed and anxious, i want to love boys and think ONLY about them just like i used to for the past 23+ years of my life ( i'm 24 now ). So, hoping for advices or just for a support guys. Thanks for the attention i'll be glad to have a productive conversations about this matter! Stay healthy and safe!

Oh dude I just read this and as a gay guy, I am truly sorry for what you have to go through. At one point I thought I liked girls like you do but here is the thing, every time I imagined going through with a relationship with one or I decided to get with a girl I felt... empty. Like something inside of me rejected the idea of being with a woman despite everything I saw in movies how a hetero relationship was the best thing one could achieve. I knew I was gay from a young age no questions about it and it's terrible that with ocd or pure obsessions, we live in a situation where we're uncertain. I think if you've felt so passionate about guys before all this you must have ocd. It's distressing to you and everything, but you can't help but think about it. Obsession, that's what that is.

Honestly you are the gayest of the gay. I see gay all over you.
Or maybe it’s just another guys semen...
But in all seriousness it’s OCD.
Straight people don’t ######6 worry about NOT being gay lol.

AlwaysThinking wrote:Oh dude I just read this and as a gay guy, I am truly sorry for what you have to go through. At one point I thought I liked girls like you do but here is the thing, every time I imagined going through with a relationship with one or I decided to get with a girl I felt... empty. Like something inside of me rejected the idea of being with a woman despite everything I saw in movies how a hetero relationship was the best thing one could achieve. I knew I was gay from a young age no questions about it and it's terrible that with ocd or pure obsessions, we live in a situation where we're uncertain. I think if you've felt so passionate about guys before all this you must have ocd. It's distressing to you and everything, but you can't help but think about it. Obsession, that's what that is.

Well it's nice you understand my feelings, bro. My highest fear is to became insane on de-personalized. And i'm tired of doing compulsions like "i'm gay it's only my obsessive thinking telling me the opposite) That's exactly how i feel. I never even could've thought about a girl from the age of 6-7(i started thinking about males and only them) to my age of 24 i guess my health and mind-control obsessions led to this =( what a tricky thing brain is. I've experienced something simillar when i had health intrusive thoughts before...i thought about things i don't want to think about at all =( Also i fear, that still sometimes i struggle thinking about guys =( my obsessions weirdly come into this and surely it's a huge turn-off for me. I'm certanly don't want to go into medication...maybe except natural like (s*r*oms) (i've heard something about it's connection with certain receptors correlated with intrusive thinking)

-- Fri Feb 09, 2018 5:15 pm --

sickofbeinginvalid wrote:Honestly you are the gayest of the gay. I see gay all over you.
Or maybe it’s just another guys semen...
But in all seriousness it’s OCD.
Straight people don’t ######6 worry about NOT being gay lol.

Brutal but true what can i say
It's actually pretty weird thing( and it's getting to my manhood too that i obsess over such pointless things...but i can't even imagine a therapy for this and don't want to do any medication =(

Well from how I see it you got a lot of options ahead of you and whatever you decide on doing is completely up to you! However, I will say that in my opinion if intrusive thoughts ever get out of hand it isn't necessarily the end of the world to be on medication.

I take this drug called zoloft for instance and it really does help to curve my thoughts at times and simmer my anxiety down. It's not to say you need meds but, if you feel like at any point things become too overwhelming (much like I had with my trans ocd) then medication wouldn't the worst thing to do.

All I know is that this is a hard situation we have to face. Our mind constantly battering us with these thoughts that we don't want and to some degree, we can't help but just entertain them because of how awful they are. I just know that from when I got into a relationship with a girl, it never worked out because I didn't feel happy.

I can only wish you the best of luck though dude! We're all in this sort of situation together, for support.

AlwaysThinking wrote:Well from how I see it you got a lot of options ahead of you and whatever you decide on doing is completely up to you! However, I will say that in my opinion if intrusive thoughts ever get out of hand it isn't necessarily the end of the world to be on medication.

I take this drug called zoloft for instance and it really does help to curve my thoughts at times and simmer my anxiety down. It's not to say you need meds but, if you feel like at any point things become too overwhelming (much like I had with my trans ocd) then medication wouldn't the worst thing to do.

All I know is that this is a hard situation we have to face. Our mind constantly battering us with these thoughts that we don't want and to some degree, we can't help but just entertain them because of how awful they are. I just know that from when I got into a relationship with a girl, it never worked out because I didn't feel happy.

I can only wish you the best of luck though dude! We're all in this sort of situation together, for support.

do you have pm closed on your acc? i wanted to contact you privately by one question)