Fear of having NPD

Well, this whole thing is going to sound narcissistic talking about myself but i don't know what to do. i am so close to killing myself.
on january 4th i was upset at my friend for wanting to spend time with her mother but didn't understand why i was. i searched something -- i cant rememberwhat but up popped NPD and ever since i saw that i had an enormous panic attack and now i genuinely genuinely believe i have it. reasons why i think i do

-i am always right, unable to listen to other people/trust what theyre saying is true unless theres actual proof or fact to it (i dont evne know how im going to get therapy because of this so i am better off killing myself... but i dont know if this is because of pure o...)
- i can be extremely manipulative sometimes subconsciously
- i usually say things hoping for a certain answer (this is a human thing right?)
- i sometimes subconsciously think im important or better than other people
- ive made fake suicide attempts for attention/manipulation
- if something i post online doesnt get likes i feel sad
- i try extremely hard to fit in
- i am a people pleaser
- i sometimes have the whats in it for me feeling
- i get angry if too many people are talking to me
- i have to pretend to care about alot of things ppl talk about
- i am passive aggressive
- if i dont get what i want i throw tantrums (sometimes but usually i just feel disappointed)
- my mom is narcissistic
- i like talking about myslef (obviously lol)
- i love getting validation and attention (this is probably a normal human thing too.)
- i lie all of the time (have been stopping this since the 4th but i still sometimes slip up but i'm trying.)
- ilike doing thigs if ill get praised for them but ifi dont its okay
- im extremely dependent on other people, if i have to go somewhere i have to have someone else with me or i get anxious (not sure if npd)

now i keep thinking i am going to have to live a fake life if i want to be seen as normal forever now. the thing that is bothering me the most is the first one... the rest i can try to work on. i desperately want to listen to other people, trust what theyre saying is right but my brain doesn't let me.. it's getting so difficult i just want to die. please please help me. i very much believe that there's no hope for me and i'm planning on killing myslef. the more i read this the more it seems very possible that i have this disorder. i'm done.

It's my understanding most people with full-blown NPD are not likely to be upset to the point of thinking they'd want to kill themselves, if they even recognise they have a disorder.

Keep in mind that with the PDs, it's my belief that if you look for having one, you'll find it- because these are disorders of personality- it stands to reason that these are components to personality that we all possess in some amount. We are all narcissistic at times.

Snaga is right.

If you were truly NPD, you wouldn't care. Most NPD folks tend to be pretty pleased when they get the dx. Often they'll take it as a weird esteem boost like they know they are good enough (in their opinion at least).

We can't dx here, but you sound more BPD than NPD. Either way you should seek out a professional. Could be a combo of things, but I highly doubt it's NPD.

skylardacreator wrote:Well, this whole thing is going to sound narcissistic talking about myself but i don't know what to do. i am so close to killing myself.

Suicide would NEVER cross the mind of a narcissist, unless they have completely decompensated and have 0 narc supply so that pretty much already excludes you from being one, but alas let’s carry on...

skylardacreator wrote: on january 4th i was upset at my friend for wanting to spend time with her mother but didn't understand why i was. i searched something -- i cant rememberwhat but up popped NPD and ever since i saw that i had an enormous panic attack and now i genuinely genuinely believe i have it. reasons why i think i do

Narcissists don’t worry about nor get panic attacks about being a narcissist. They either really enjoy the diagnosis, or they are surprised and automatically go into denial.

skylardacreator wrote: -i am always right, unable to listen to other people/trust what theyre saying is true unless theres actual proof or fact to it (i dont evne know how im going to get therapy because of this so i am better off killing myself... but i dont know if this is because of pure o...)
- i can be extremely manipulative sometimes subconsciously
- i usually say things hoping for a certain answer (this is a human thing right?)
- i sometimes subconsciously think im important or better than other people
- ive made fake suicide attempts for attention/manipulation
- if something i post online doesnt get likes i feel sad
- i try extremely hard to fit in
- i am a people pleaser
- i sometimes have the whats in it for me feeling
- i get angry if too many people are talking to me
- i have to pretend to care about alot of things ppl talk about
- i am passive aggressive
- if i dont get what i want i throw tantrums (sometimes but usually i just feel disappointed)
- my mom is narcissistic
- i like talking about myslef (obviously lol)
- i love getting validation and attention (this is probably a normal human thing too.)
- i lie all of the time (have been stopping this since the 4th but i still sometimes slip up but i'm trying.)
- ilike doing thigs if ill get praised for them but ifi dont its okay
- im extremely dependent on other people, if i have to go somewhere i have to have someone else with me or i get anxious (not sure if npd)

As someone who is both a sufferer of BPD, and OCD myself and has had narcOCD before, from what you wrote I get more so the impression that you are Borderline, and not a narcissist. (It’s also common for borderlines to worry about being a narc because with our black-and-white thinking we associate NPD with badness and because of our innate belief we are bad we think we must be NPD.

skylardacreator wrote:now i keep thinking i am going to have to live a fake life if i want to be seen as normal forever now. the thing that is bothering me the most is the first one... the rest i can try to work on. i desperately want to listen to other people, trust what theyre saying is right but my brain doesn't let me.. it's getting so difficult i just want to die. please please help me. i very much believe that there's no hope for me and i'm planning on killing myslef. the more i read this the more it seems very possible that i have this disorder. i'm done.

A narcissist wouldn’t mind living a fake life, because for them it’s easier than facing who they truly are- a flawed human being just like everyone else. Also, like I said before suicidal threats are not common with NPD and are actually pretty much a characteristic of BPD. I’d see a therapist, because although I don’t think you have NPD I think you do have other issues besides OCD, and that probably being Borderline.

well now i am scared or feel like i am a pedophile. i had thoughts before this that cuold be considered pedophilic beforehand but i suppressed them bc i knew they were probably ocd and didnt have anything to do with who i really was but now that i have ocd over having npd i now have "justified" being one and im disgusted. if im one my life is over but most people feel guilt over this, what does it mean to feel guilty? if i feel i am disgusting for these thoughts is that guilt? i feel shame but i dont know if its guilt. before i felt attracted to older guys and guys my age but all of that is gone now, and i dont even feel like i can identify with being an adult anymore either or with my own friend group. i just feel like an alien and that im only able to be around kids because they're my equals according to my brain but idont want to be aroun them... can ocd do this.. make me feel alienated from my own age group? for ome reason itd take me a while to think taht a person was attractive, like the more i looked at him or something. if i do have npd is it even possible to just randomly become a pedophile when i wasnt one before? ive always not really had a grasp on my sexuality but ive felt like guys were hot and girls were pretty but for girls more in a "i wish i looked like that" way, but ive been romantically attracted to girls and had curshes on both.