I have come to this forum before and all the kind and understanding and helpful replies helped me immensely to get over previous intrusive thoughts.
In the past I have had a lot of very scary intrusive thoughts such as harming others or myself, despite not being suicidal, violent or hateful in any way. These scared me a lot but I learned to get over them as I knew they were just thoughts and I would never do anything like that.
However, now I have another intrusive thought! It started when I watched a TV show (black mirror) where in one episode, a teenage boy was found out to be into child pornography.
This scared me and suddenly, out of nowhere (as intrusive thoughts do) I became scared to if I was a pedophile etc. I'm a 16 year old girl that has worked with children for a few years and I have NEVER had ANY sexual thoughts such as this about children at all. In fact I have hardly felt attraction to many people and most sexual things scare me a lot, and I don't get involved. The most I've done is watch pornography occasionally (regular ADULT pornography!!) and I never wanted to see anything else, in fact the one time I did see a thumbnail where the girl seemed young I felt sick to my stomach and immediately closed the page, repulsed. So yeah, in summary I have NEVER felt anything like this in my whole life.
However, now I am so scared about it, I'm always checking myself to see whether if I see a kid on tv or even in real life, whether I would want to do anything sexual to them and my mind immediately says no, of course not, but then my mind does the same thing it did when I had harm intrusive thoughts and says 'but what if you do' or 'that's just what your mind is conditioned to say' etc,,, and then I feel confused and dazed and scared because I can't tell how I truly feel anymore, everything I say to myself feels like a lie and I don't know how I truly feel, even though deep down I know I don't feel like that, my mind just keeps saying 'but that's just instinct to say that, and you really feel differently etc,' It's just so scary and I feel terrified and guilty and scared and disgusted by it, im just terrified what if I really am that way?? I just have horrible images and thoughts in my head, which makes me feel so stressed and terrified, i feel like this is another intrusive thought like my last ones, but it's just so horrible to keep having my mind second guess me all the time, saying that no, I actually like it. I never feel any arousal or urge to do anything when with kids, only fear and confused feelings.
So after I watched the show I was quite scared and worried but eventually forgot about it and returned to normal life where I hardly gave children a second glance and didn't worry or even think about any of that. However, then I had a dream where I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't into that type of thing, but in the dream I felt aroused by kids- I'm so scared! I feel like maybe that dream is just based on my fears. But I'm scared that it was about what I secretly want! This dream made all this fear come back but even worse, I spend all day trying to forget it and feeling panicked and guilty and horrible inside just thinking about it.
I'm so sorry this was so long! I feel like these are intrusive thoughts but I'm just so scared that if I obsess over it I'll find out its true or become a pedophile. I don't want this in any way (even though my thoughts keep saying otherwise) and the thought terrifies and sickens me and scares me. I had a therapist but actually recently got discharged because I had made heaps of progress on my emetophobia (fear of sickness) general anxiety and intrusive thoughts about harm. I feel so disappointed and ashamed that as soon as I made this progress all this new stuff comes up, and makes me feel like I'm not strong or capable like everyone thought. I really just want to stop all the thoughts and continue my life like usual! Please help! Any advice would be sooo helpful, thank you!!!
xoxo
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