###$, this feel too damn real to be OCD?! (Suicide-OCD)

**So first of all i will write what happened a few minutes ago, then i will post my story above. So i am suffering from HOPEFULLY INTRUSIVE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS and many other weird feelings for the last 4 months.
So I was sitting on my laptop editing a video, relatively fine, the thoughts and feeling like a little in background. But felt less real.
Suddenly a thought like 'I want to do it' entered my head and I had like a panic attack not sure what it was actually. And an urge to do it. I tried to calm my self but it got more and more intense I couldn't stand still, it felt like i wanted to do it. !@#@.
Now I am calmer but I have a confusion if i am suicidal or not. ###$.
WHAT THE ACTUAL ###$? WAS THIS SUICIDALITY/SI? I SAID 'I DON'T WANT TO DO IT' BUT THEN I FELT LIKE AN URGE IN THE STOMACH LIKE I WANT IT.
AND I TRIED LIKE IMAGINING A POSITIVE FUTURE BUT IT CAME OUT NEGATIVELY AND LIKE NOTHING MATTERS ###$ ###$ ###$ ###$
And like general trapped feeling WTF?!?!
EDIT: An hour later i feel relatively fine again. WHAT THE ###$ WAS THIS?!?!**

So, here is my story:
Hello reddit! First of all I am 20 years old male with no history of mental illnesses, no abuse, and a normal happy life, with happy family. I don't do drugs, but I smoke and drink, or used to drink a lot of coffee, before this happened. My WEIRD MENTAL STATE? began 4 months ago.(22.07.2017 I DON'T GET IT HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN IN ONE DAY) I feel like something in my mind broke... And do you know the reason? I heard of someone(Chester From Linkin Park) who died by suicide. Since then, my life changed completely.

I don't know why. I don't know how. I don't know what to do next.

I suddenly asked myself: "Why he did it, he had 6 kids, he had everything? What kind of force drive him to suicide? What stops me from doing it too?" and then I experienced something strange, something confusing. I have really hard time describing what is happening in my brain(nearly impossible), but i will try. Life feels meaningless without any apparent reason. I am constantly anxious, have less energy. I don't go outside as I used to. I am constantly in my home, searching google articles about mental issues and so on. I am constantly in my head.

My interest in people dissapeared. There are other weird feelings in my head (As I said, I can't trully describe them.)

weird feeling: Like I am somehow disconnected from my old life?

weird feeling: Like I am in a weird unsettled life state.

weird feeling: Scary/Terrifying/Real/ Scenarious in my head like for example "My best friend ask me if I want to work with him(We had very succesfully store.) And I answer him, no I want to die" etc. WHAT?!

weird feeling: Like when this happens EVERYTHING SEEMS DARKER AND DOOMED, LIKE IN A HORROR MOVIE?

weird feeling: I simply cannot get out of my head when it happens, constant negative thoughts(i listed them above) weird feeling in the stomach, feeling dissociated from sveryone, everything i imagine in my head, even my home seems dark and doomed?

weird feeling: Like life is meaningless?!? Without a reason???

weird feeling: It feels like i imagine waking up everyday but it feels like i am waking every minute.

weird feeling: Feels like I won't be here soon.(generated From the scary thoughts.

weird feeling: When I try to do something I can't do for long time. Eventually there is a weird feeling associated with a throughts like the above that doesn't allow me to do it. It is strange, feels like anxiety a bit, but not exactly.

weird feeling: When I am relatively okay, there is a feeling like I am anxious, idk strange feeling in the stomach(not exactly anxiety.) Can't fully describe it.

weird feeling: Like i am dissociated with life(not like the derealization stuff) - again I am not sure what it is it feels strange.

weird feeling: Feeling like I don't want to get better.(This is the scariest one.)

weird feeling: Feeling like years have passed between my old life and now.

weird feeling: Feeling like there is no emotional content in my memories.

weird feeling: Confusion if I am suicidal or not?!?!?!

weird feeling: Feeling like a wave between now and the future happens in my head and makes me feel tired and anxious.(This happens especially in the morning, when I stand up and stop being sleepy it dissapears.)

weird feeling: When I do something it randomly appears it is like a feeling of /suicidality/hopelessness/flying feeling/ (not sure can't describe it.) and when this happens there is a strike in my stomach.

weird feeling: There are pictures stuck in my head(2 or 3) mostly regarding to future. for example: me in the garden of my university walking - like i am looking at myself from a flying drone. they seem dark or super bright in my head. weird feeling: Feeling that there is something wrong with my thinking pattern and my rational thinking.

weird feeling: Sudden feeling of being trapped(In life?). (It happens randomly.)

weird feeling: That I will suicide if I work, and since then I am not working.

weird feeling: Going out seems weird/scary/overwhelming/I don't know.

weird feeling: Something that happened a long time ago seems close, something that happened a short time ago feels far. weird feeling: This is about babies. Somewhere I have read "I don't want kids on this terrible world." And now there is a weird feeling when I see a baby.

weird feeling: Everything seems darker. Like my vision changed.

weird feeling: When I read here on reddit someone who is suicidal/depressed etc. All of the feelings come back and it feels like i am feeling the same way as him. (When time passes I can see the difference.)

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT :WEIRD FEELING THAT IF I WORK/GO TO UNIVERSITY OR FEEL OVERWHELMED I WILL S....... FEELING THAT I AM ALREADY OVERWHELMED AND WILL S......

Update 0: I have days, when I feel relatively normal, but still those thoughts, feeling are in background accompanied by butterflies/knot in the stomach and a weird feeling.

Update 1: Yesterday I read somewhere that you are suicidal if you have desire to die. When I read this I had (? I am not sure what i felt -???Anxiety attack??? )and the thoughts felt so real like I am feeling the same way, it lasted about an hour then I felt normal, and the thoughts seemed less real.

Update 2: Last night I was laying in my bed and decided to go to the kitchen to smoke a ciggarete. I was relatively fine. I was sleepy. As I was smoking I suddently looked in the place where we are keeping the knives and imagined getting a knife and s...... I got intense strike in the stomach and like an urge to do it, it felt real. Then I tried to calm my self but the thought "Life is meaningless" with somekind of weird ??future?? feeling came. The strike in the stomach became more intense, I immediately went to my room. I was no longer sleeping, and started googling about suicidal thoughts/suicidality. Today I woke up with low mood and the pictures of yesterday stuck in my head, with a weird stomach feeling. Also while I am writing this there is a feeling/thoughts that I just don't want to admit it. And a confusion if I am suicidal?

I went to a psychiatrist, and told him about the throughts. He asked me if i have a plan or fantasie about.... Then I said no, but i see intrusive images. And he said that it is ocd.

I don't have much symptoms of depression. But I do have less/none interest in the things that used to be intrerested. I go less outside. I am more irritable. I can't tell if I have anxiety because I want it or because I don't. I am afraid of the summer comming, because I read somewhere that people often do it then and now it feels so damn real. It happened in one day I don't get it. Also I went to 4 Psychiatrists and 1 Psychologist, I asked them if this is Major Depresive Disorder, they said that it is unlikely, because I have very few symptoms, They asked me if i set goals to high and so on. And none of them said that it is major depresion, very unlikely. Also, for about two weeks I was relatively fine, the thoughts were still there, but seemed less likely. Then all of a sudden after i read about a guy who was suicidal. The thoughts came back and feel realer than the real. The scary thing is that there are feelings, not only thoughts. For example: Yesterday I read somewhere that you are suicidal if you have 100% desire to die. Then I got hit by (anxiety) not sure and the thoughts seemed even more real, like i really had a desire. It lasted about an hour then I calmed and the thoughts felt less real. Today the same thing happened. Today I also had pulsating neck pain on the right side.(Maybe it is sign of anixety?!?! Maybe not?!?) What the actual f**k??

I don't wish to not being born, to not exist or to not wake up tomorrow for example. But there is a strange, unexplainable feeling that makes me think I am suicidal. WTF? Also when I read somewhere that you should ignore or not give attention to the thoughts because it may become worse, I feel even more terrified because I can't ignore the thoughts. Also the feeling that I don't want to get better makes me more terrified.

Does that sound like Active SI?

And many ??intrusive?? suicidal thoughts about 16 to be exact, I picked a lot of them while researching and now they are stuck in my head. But I will not list them because they may trigger someone. I visited 5 psychiatrists, yet, no clear diagnosis. One of them suggested Adjustment Disorder, but I don't think that this is the case, exept I moved to new city(1 year ago.)(because I study there.), and had a lot of stress during exams, nothing more.

I've Googled a lot, about mental health issues, and visited few psychiatrists, one of them Suggested Adjustment Disorder, the second one suggested OCD, but still I am so confused.:

Everytime i post online i feel like i missed something....

Feeling like I am suicidal just want to have OCD instead of this and don't want to admit it. WTF?!?! !@#@.

STOP GOOGLING

OCD (any version) thrives on Google. You get questions about the obsession and it's a never ending wild goose trail of anxiety. Next thing you know WebMD is telling you that you have cancer and you're obsessing about the possibility of that.

Watch a movie. Read a book. Get a hobby to be focused on.

I have suicidal OCD, along with others. Focussing on something else and not consuming a lot of caffeine or sugar helps me a lot. You said you drink a lot of coffee. Cutting that back will help a ton.

I've done everything you mentioned or a version of it. It's OCD. I don't know the root of where it came from, or if there is one... but cutting caffeine and distractions will alleviate it 100 fold.

Just asking, I hope this aggravate not your OCD, but have you been bitten by a tick? Have you any phyisical symptoms since the first incident happened to you?

Could be a number of things honestly. For me it's my bipolar I. I would ask a doctor to run tests. If it is Lyme disease it should turn up in that. If it's a genetic depression issue, they can figure that out through tests as well.

Physical symptoms like? Give an example.

igoger wrote:Physical symptoms like? Give an example.

Seriously see a doctor. Don't WebMD it, or you'll make it worse.