HOCD HELP AT THE POINT OF GIVING UP

So I’m at the point of giving of ive had ocd anxiety depression all my life, but this just don’t feel like hocd anymore I feel like I truly am turning bi or gay, I’ve posted here before tell me your straight I tell my mom bout this every other day she says your straight ik you you always lusted and loved women, although this is true once in 6th grade I kissed a dude on the cheek did I like no I immediately hated my self afterwards not guilty for what I did just ashamed and disgusted, then fast forward too last year a dude kissed me on the neck or hand I can’t remember but he kissed me and I wanted to punch the guy in the face I was about I thought it was disgusting he thought it was funny I thought it was gross, still in last year a few weeks after that happened I was watching a movie and the kid was gay I said I’m glad I’m not that way, well then it started a few days later my head said your gay cause my ocd just got finsidd with something else so I guess my head found more tourture, it’s bout year or little over with this hocd, then it started going after my friends saying oh you wanna miss him I was like wtf no I dont...after that I got me and a gf we dated for bout 5 months hocd stopped a little matter fact one day I laughed and said how the he’ll did think I’m thst way...but let’s fast forward to now before I write a novel. So as I’ve said before I’ve watched gay porn makeout videos oh bout 10000 times this year not one has turned me on or made me happy, I just find them gross and unnatural, then I try to imagine a dude everytime now a matter a fact I force myself too look at the dude and trained my brain sometimes to focus on the man even tho I always hate it in the end I get mad and angry then sad, I’m repeating in my head every day I wanna hubsand I wanna boyfriend that’s not true either then now I got myself saying he’s cute at every dude sometimes it feels like I can smile, also now with masturbation well actually just the past couple of weeks it seems there’s a guy coming in at the in standing there naked I try to avoid it cause ik it’s coming now cause of what I fixed myself to do but then last night it was a girl well I said enough of this ocd I’m gonna imagine what my hearts want what I want a girl I could feel the image of the dude comin but the girl cake in and I said I made myself think of that which in hindsight yes and no so I guess with me saying that I feel like I sound gay or at least bi I just don’t know anymore and I can’t agf a doctor right now