Hocd or denial. Pls help. :(

Hi guys, this is going to be really long. But I need help. I think and hope I do have HOCD. It's been about 3 months since I've been suffering and some days it's fine but somedays the anxiety spirals out of control.
I think my fear of being lesbian started in 10th grade. I'm 19 now. I was playing with my aunt and something happened and she asked me if I was lesbian? I said no, I'm not and and freaked out a bit and kept pestering her to which she replied that she was just joking. I have also watched a lot of porn ranging from lesbian to straight to everything and I was almost addicted to it. My first crush was when I was in kindergarten and my crushes have always been boys. I have masturbated thinking about lesbian porn but whenever I finished, I would always finish thinking about a guy. i also read on a site that fantasies don't mean anything and they are things you may not even carry out in real life. I have always wanted to be with a guy and get married and have a wonderful family. But all this feels so unreal now, almost like it never existed. So I had HOCD and then I said okay I'll accept these thoughts - how long will they bother me? I did it and within a week I felt much better. No more anxiety. But I was sitting idly the next day and my mind said I would be okay being bi but my immediate reaction was no because no I don't want to be with a girl or do anything sexual with a girl. And then the entire cycle came back. Even when I was a kid, I have suffered from weird intrusive thoughts. Like if I'd ever get sick, I'd think I'm going to die or have cancer. If I don't get my period on time, I think I'm pregnant and keep obssesing. I had some family issues and when I would be in class, I'd have thoughts that my mom was going to commit suicide. I'm far away from my parents now and Everytime I come back to the hostel, I feel scared for my parents and panic if they'll be fine. I have also had anxiety for quite some time now.
As for my HOCD, now I have stopped checking girls and feel nothing. No groinal response whatever. But I do get a little anxious when I'm with girls and also feel scared that what if I fall for a friend of mine blah blah. Also, I Have become extremely numb to guys. It's like I've lost all my attractions to guys. I have also liked guys but somehow my previous relationships never worked out and that is just adding to my anxiety, that is this because I'm lesbian blah blah. Whenever I see a girl who's cute or pretty I feel scared that I may develop a crush on her though I know that this isn't possible but it's almost like it feels very real. I also said this to my friends who laughed and said that it's very common to admire people of the same sex. But it all feels extremely weird. I also said some really stupid stuff to reassure myself that "I would want to be with a guy even if I was lesbian" which now my OCD is telling me that I'm in denial. But in reality I don't feel I'm in denial but my OCD feels so convincing and real. Please help me. I also go to a counselor for talk therapy and she has said that the route to recovery is tough but extremely do-able. I just want to be with a guy. But HOCD makes it feel SO SO SO REAL. I was suffering from HOCD and it was my birthday and at that point in time, I was suffering like it was super anxiety. I saw a lesbian couple and I freaked out super bad, almost like it ruined my entire day. Anithrr trigger was when I was watching a actress dancing on TV
and I appreciated her about twice or thrice and a girl sitting next to me said, "oh are you turned on by her." Which actually caused a MAJOR SPIKE. That's the day it got really bad. the thoughts are there but sometimes there is no anxiety. My mind makes me think that I would actually be happy to be lesbian though I know I would never act out my intrusive thoughts in real life. But at times, then anxiety goes crazy. I have told this to my mother and she says that she'll love me the same if I was lesbian but that didn't help me much. Whenever I try to think about a guy, the automatic thoughts always turn it into a girl. Also when I read that my sexual orientation can't change, I'm relieved but my "feelings" make me feel that I'm sad that I can't be lesbian. And that freaks me out. Please please help me. I really hope this HOCD. I'm sick of this now.

Hi there I'm just the same as you. I know HOCD feels so real and you keep checking but we must stop giving it power. We are both feeding the cycle of HOCD by posting on these forums, checking for arousal and everything else we do. I finally told my friends today after 6 years of suffering from HOCD and I feel as if this is the first step to recovery. When you feel the time is right and you're comfortable, tell someone! A friend, councillor, doctor or parents if you need help, seek it or try to end this yourself. I know i've read this 1000 times where people say you must just 'accept' the thoughts and stop giving them power. We both need to do this and stop seeking for certainty!! We both have HICD you are NOT in denial, you need help from yourself or a professional and we will overcome this. It's completely debilitating and I have felt myself slipping into depression over recent months. If you need me, message me but you will overcome this.

Hi Britishmahomie,
6 years is such a long time. I hope you overcome this soon. I have actually started feeling much better, touchwood, but I still have slight anxiety. I think what if I act out my intrusive thoughts or what if I actually kiss a girl? Somewhere I know I won't do it but it FEELS SO REAL. It scares me to a point where I actually drive myself crazy and I can't really focus on my studies. It feels a lot like DENIAL.

Also when I start feeling better, there's something else in my mind to plague me with those scary thoughts. Whatever I did when I was a kid, etc etc. I always remember having crushes on guys, never on girls. I never even indulged in experimentation with a girl except when I was in 4th grade. And that involved no kissing or whatever. Just running our hands on our legs because it felt good, like a ticklish feeling. And then that stopped too. And I'm actually so disappointed that I did that, especially after my HOCD because this triggers it. Other than that I've never had girl crushes and whenever I'd play with friends I'd always play the bride or the wife. So that's there and I've always had crushes on guys. But my life seems like such a lie, up until now. It feels like it was never true. In fact, I have 'feelings' that I actually tricked myself into liking guys so that I couldn't pay attention to girls. And that freaks me out. There's always some new thought to freak me out. I have had fantasies but I guess that was all porn induced. It's been 3 months, I've stopped watching porn. And in between HOCD, my attraction for guys has come back too but this is extremely weird. I am constantly scared that what if I act out my intrusive thoughts, what if I actually kiss a girl. It's scary.