Scared all the time

Hello!

I'm a first year college student who has been diagnosed with PTSD due to a "rough" upbringing. I am taking a psychology course this year (despite already having a psych credit, so the class isn't very newsworthy).

We went over abnormal behavior today. I started to reflect on myself a bit and it's hard to accept that, potentially, some of my behavior is not the best. The segment focused on schizophrenia and how some individuals hear voices that tell them that they have done something wrong or illegal when they have not. I don't suspect I have schizophrenia, of course. But that resonated with me.

I feel like I get split into 2 halves when my anxiety kicks in. There is this rational side that tries to calm me down and share logic...and then there is this much louder, terrified half of myself that is much stronger.

For example, I went driving the other day at night. I hit the curb while parking and I walked into my dorm and was scared for an hour that I had hit a person and that people were going to be knocking on my door any second. I was petrified that I had harmed someone when I knew I didn't. Same with looking at stuff at stores and being afraid that I stole something (just because I picked something up at the store and observed it). Other times, I have to check over and over that I have a certain paper before class because I'm scared I forgot it. Literally what happens is: I'll pull it out of my bag and be reassured that I had it, and then I'll think I lost it or it fell out and check again and a loop happens.

Another weird thing is, I'm too scared to go out and do my laundry because I don't want to run into people. I obviously need to do laundry, but the only time that seems right is at 3 AM when I know everyone is asleep. I can't bother going to extracurricular or the gym, either because I feel like I don't belong at these places and will be judged harshly. If I need to go to the bathroom and people are in there I'll just awkwardly act like I had to wash my hands and leave until I know its "safe" for me to go. I didn't even attend my own HS graduation because of a disaster mindset.

I think I'm most scared of the constant thoughts that I'm going to do something wrong or I've done something wrong or I'm going to be humiliated or sick if a certain set of events happen. This might be because of that "rough upbringing". I don't know if OCD was the right area to post this, but I don't think its too relevant to my trauma. I usually go into my therapist's office to treat my PTSD and tend to gently gloss over these things. Because they are glossed over so lightly, I've come to think "these things are not important and are normal"

Sorry for the long post, especially as my first on this forum.

Hi Sirfluffy.

I think you're describing some anxiety experiences which are very common. Certainly I can identify with a number of them, particularly the sane and insane brain dichotomy.

I don't think that the anxiety and/or OCD are issues which can be separated from the PTSD diagnosis, since PTSD is, at least in part, a chronic heightened stress response.

Since this side of things is clearly troubling you, I wonder whether it might be time to raise these concerns in therapy, rather than having them glossed over as insignificant.

Best wishes.