TOCD is ruining my life please help

Hello everyone, I’m new here but I’ve been on other ocd related forums before for what I think might be ocd. Since March I’ve been going through a lot of phases of intrusive thoughts or what I hope they are; I had an irrational fear that I might want to hurt myself or my family and that I might be a psychopath, I had a fear that I might abuse drugs and alcohol because of my thoughts, I even thought I could be straight (I don’t know how to explain really, I’m gay and I was scared I might be straight). But the scariest one of these thoughts is the “what if you are trans?” one; don’t get me wrong I haven’t got anything against trans people but I just feel like it’s not me but I can’t get the thought out of my mind. It came to me one night at random and I had the first ever panic attack in my life: I was in bed shaking, with a lump in my throat and I couldn’t even breathe. From there it was basically hell, for the past few months I’ve been questioning my gender identity like crazy, I looked everywhere and tried to see what would fit me better but I can’t find anything. I Justin feel like me and I want to go back to loving my manly body like I used to, I spend so much time on forums just hoping to find a solution but nothing ever works, I get back into this hopeless state in which I feel like I can’t understand myself. I’ve been testing myself basically every day, it is the first thing that comes to my mind in the morning and I’ve been looking for clues in my past too. And the worst part is that being gay I remember gender bending sometimes, like pretending the towels on my head after shower were long hair etc (yeah I know it’s embarrassing) and I don’t really know what to do anymore. I get times where I’m okay and times where I can’t think of anything else. Does this seem like ocd to anyone? I actually really hope it is but I’m scared of seeing a doctor because I’m scared they will tell me that I’m just in denial. Please please please please help me I don’t know what to do anymore

Please, anyone? I can’t do it like this

Here's the thing, you aren't exactly trans and neither am I for that matter but we still can't help but feel like a what if scenario that is playing on loop in our heads for what seems like forever. I've had the same feelings, terror, dread, all of it but now? I'm completely accepting of the fact. Now hear me out, I know on the inside I am a guy but those thoughts themselves are the key problem to your anxiety and just about everything in between and I figured if I accept those thoughts then maybe I won't feel as dreadful. Your mind can definitely play tricks on you though, trust me, having these thoughts will eventually convince you in some way or another but really it's the obsession talking and it's not a reflection on yourself.

Even though I've 'accepted' the possibility I still go by he, him pronouns! I don't care and it's funny because my family and friends are accepting but yet I don't take that extra step, not because I'm scared but because I just don't care!

If you do end up needing more affirmation, just talk to a psychologist I promise you they won't see you as being trans, if anything the worst news I heard was me not having ocd but rather just an obsessive disorder but of course I still come on here from time to time. I cried really hard after that but I realized if I was so terrified of being trans then, am I really trans?

Also seeking reassurance will only go so far because if there's one thing to note about ocd it's the O, the obsession, it thrives on whatever concept it's enamored with. It won't let go and it'll have you doing tests or whatever just to have it's fill on the matter.

Another thing to note would be the fact that as a gay man I speak firmly that there's nothing wrong with imagining yourself in a female position, and I remember reading on this forum of another gay man who would imagine himself as a woman just for confidence and his ocd wasn't even related to gender at all! Even if you act a little feminine there's nothing inherently wrong with that. I've got anxiety from being trans and I know I am not but if you talk to a professional, chances are they'll tell you to accept those thoughts. I won't speak for you but when I did I sure could sleep a bit easier at night if only to keep those thoughts quiet in my head.

thank you so much AlwaysThinking in the past few weeks my anxiety has been a real mess. I’ll try agreeing with the thoughts just like you said because it’s true, if I was really trans I wouldn’t be so scared of it in such an obsessive way (it’s like my only thought from day to night) so thank you again for the advice

No problem! I know it's hard, anxiety can really chew you up and spit you out while telling you the sky is yellow and the grass is red even though you know it not to be true. The way I see it, you should talk to a professional when you get the chance. Hopefully, they could suggest something! In the meantime though if you ever want to talk you're welcome to message me.

Stay strong!