Another one about sexuality

Not sure where to ask this, but for the past few months (since April) I have been obsessing about my sexual orientation. I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and doing constant and unnecessary “checks”, then feeling guilt as on paper it’s a bit homophobic. I am not afraid of societal pressures, but more that I want to be with a woman and all that jazz and never want that to change. I’m not going to write an ode about women, but I’m sure you understand regardless of your own sexual orientation.

This all started in April when, funny enough, I was on a site (a place I frequented) that had lots of pornographic images of women and suddenly I started to feel a pressure in my throat almost similar to nausea but more akin an anxious feeling or reflex but without the anxiety. Since then every attractive girl I’ve come across brings about the same reflex. It’s like I notice a girl then it happens. Therefore, I have since been obsessing about whether I’m losing attraction to girls. It is more this reflex throat feeling meaning that I’m almost allergic to attractive girls that worries me.

Funny enough, I've slept with about three women between August and November. I was quite drunk each time, but did not really come across any problems, other than taking long to come butthat is usually the alcohol. I sometimes overthink whether I was going through the motions. That in itself did not make sense as it time escalated mutually, but you can understand how I would split hairs.

Since then, I started checking if I liked guys (looking at guys to see if I felt a reaction). I am considering taking a break from porn, as it's reach a point where vanilla does not do it much for me. But recently, I came across a video which was focused on the guys genitals, and found it a bit racy or maybe it was the taboo factor I don't know, and just went with it, I focused on the girl doing the act, but it was quite thrilling as I never come across anything like that. Now it feels like I cannot get off as much from vanilla unless it's something left field like that, which gets me off quicker. I've tried looking at attractive guys online and gay porn, but it just seems weird.

Anyway, this whole ordeal, has spawned a lot of intrusive thoughts and overthinking. I even got thoughts about a co-worker and started obsessed whether i had a crush on him or not. And this all just spawned from thoughts, didn't think anything of him to begin with.

I think it's the idea of things being out of my control, and constantly wondering if I'm in denial that bothers me too. Sometimes I even I have thought about giving a guy oral which and it seems so outlandish and taboo and has prompted a response, but I cannot tell if it is arousal or the former. But not to an extent that I want to do anything in real life.

I've been hit on by guys quite recently funny enough, but never felt attracted or the urge to just go with it. Sometimes i wonder, "what if i do lose attraction for women?" and I feel miserable as I would be missing out. To make things worst I get doubts like "would I really miss it?" or "deep down you know you're gay", despite all the glaring evidence. Overall, the whole thing has left me in a constant loop of checking, intrusive thoughts and doubt. I want to be oeace of mind. Sometimes i even just accept "yeah I'm gay" for the peace, but it just doesn't sit right or feel natural.

Overall, I'm worried I've become desensitised or meh towards women, or that I will lose that spark many feel when they see a hot girl.

I understand that such things are out of one’s control, but I guess the real problem is why I’ve been feeling these reaction towards women, with my sexuality being a symptom.

All thoughts are welcome I want to just understand myself as best as I can. Thanks for taking to time to read this is you have.

Anyone? Keep obsessing about this despite the contradictions. But even then I'm questioning and it's bothering me

Anyone?

I'm sorry you didn't receive any answers. This forum is kinda dead...

Anyways I don't think you're gay. Nothing you say makes me think that. And as a gay guy myself I definitly can not relate to your story. You just worry too much. You want to be with women so just go for it and dont let your brain confuse you. I know it's hard however as I'm a sufferer of OCD myself but it isn't impossible!

Have a nice day and good luck

It sounds a 100% like OCD. It's irrational fear. People who are bisexual just know they are. All those doubts, and self testing is pure OCD.
Please don't try to worry about it anymore, there is nothing to be afraid about.

ConfusedAndAfraidGuy wrote:I'm sorry you didn't receive any answers. This forum is kinda dead...

Anyways I don't think you're gay. Nothing you say makes me think that. And as a gay guy myself I definitly can not relate to your story. You just worry too much. You want to be with women so just go for it and dont let your brain confuse you. I know it's hard however as I'm a sufferer of OCD myself but it isn't impossible!

Have a nice day and good luck

Thanks for replying thought this thread was dead. This whole ordeal has just caused confusion. I keep checking to see if im attracted to men realise i don't but then doubt that. As if I'm slowing unlocking zome suppressed thing. Ive been browsing empty closets which has not helped.

-- Thu Dec 07, 2017 8:35 am --

stopthesuffering wrote:It sounds a 100% like OCD. It's irrational fear. People who are bisexual just know they are. All those doubts, and self testing is pure OCD.
Please don't try to worry about it anymore, there is nothing to be afraid about.

Thanks for replying. What you said about just knowing, that is difficult as i know i like women but then constanr doubt and thoughts has clouded that.