*URGENT* POCD GROINAL RESPONSE AND MASTURBATION

I'm at my wits end here.

I've had Pedophile themed OCD for the past 6 months and before that have never thought of a child in a sexual way. I've had every theme in the book before POCD though, specifically harm and religious OCD. What I'm so distraught over and what literally makes me want to kill myself is the fact that i am able to get off to thoughts/videos of kids (NOT CHILD PORN) I've done it as a form of "testing" or to get it out of my system in a way I guess however I have no desire to do it in real life nor do I want to be a ######6 pedo. I would kill myself if I am one. This is so scary. How can I hate something so much yet if I masturbate to it I'm able to orgasm to it, quickly at that. It seemed in the moment like I actually did like masturbating to it, because I was noticing the revealing clothes that the girl was wearing (which I think is wrong, why are kids wearing revealing $#%^ in the first place???) and I felt like my animalistic brain was like "oh I do like this, it's not OCD". Could that just be the OCD talking and I'm blinded by anxiety and anxious arousal? Does getting off to something mean that I like it? What makes an pesophile? I'm not worried about harming anyone because I know I would never do anything like that, it's more just a worry about a defect to my character and I don't want to be a pedophile.

Also I'm in my 20s and had a normal sex drive and girlfriends growing up and this pedophile $#%^ was never even a thought. I used to think I was a potential serial killer or that I was going schizo or that i might be possessed, now this POCD $#%^ has taken over my brain and this is by far the worst one. Why can't I just have a ######6 hand washing obsession???

Somebody please shed some light because like I said I'm at my wits end and this depression and anxiety is going to kill me.

I'm seeing a therapist and she told me it's OCD and arousal is not black and white but I'm not
Convinced.


Can getting off to something and even enjoying the masturbation (maybe cause of the taboo nature) seem enjoyable then hating yourself and feeling disgusted after be a manifestation of OCD?

PLEASE let me know as this is urgent.


Do you think I'm a pedophile/sexual deviant or is this just OCD and normal animalistic behaviour?


PLEASE HELP ME

What Snaga said.

Checking/testing is like trying to distract yourself from a nightmare you had by watching horror movies at 3am. It only makes you more paranoid and irrational about it.

I also have pocd although it's less severe now. I really don't think you're a pedo. I also had precum to the thoughts op kids and getting a turned on feeling but I really don't have the desire to do something to kids (although my brain immediately starts telling me I like it). I mean even if I was a pedo I wouldnt hurt children like some primal sexual beast... I hate people like that.. I mean theyre mentally ill but still..

Although I DO have some curiosity of doing things with like 16 year olds but I dont mind that because it's not pedophillia and quite normal.

But no. I really dont believe you're a pedo and I think that deep inside you also know that.

Your therapist is right about sex not being black and white, and I would take them seriously when they say it's your OCD. On top of that, you have had other themes with probably the same intensity.

Because of my Bipolar Disorder, I often go through periods of hypersexuality. During this time I feel aroused almost constantly and sometimes very intensely - to the point that seeing anyone could cause me to think that I am having erotic thoughts about them. But it's because I am always "on".

Add to this that at times I can simultaneously suffer OCD which causes all sorts of disturbing intrusive thoughts.

You're in panic mode now. I suspect you have been in this mode before for other obsessions. Like general panic attacks, you have to come up with a plan to weather the storm. I imagine your therapist has talked to you about this. This kind of fight is personal. The nature of OCD is such that even a professional (your therapist), two veterans of OCD (Snags and I - sorry don't know about the others) may not be able to convince you.

Whatever you do, know that you not going to hurt anyone because you don't want to hurt anyone.

As others have said, checking will do you no good. For most it has the opposite effect that it was intended to have - in other words, it sabotages you.

Otter.

The problem is sexuality is pretty much a spectrum, and if you imagine the kind of acts that turn you on, you can almost get aroused by just about anyone doing them with you, even if they aren't your ideal partner. I have S&M fantasies, and have got turned on by the thought of being spanked by old ladies, but I'm a gay 30 year old male, and have no sexual interest in old ladies.


A pedophile has to have had long term sexual interests in pre-pubescent children, and they really aren't in any testing or questioning mode about it. Pedophilia isn't looking at pics of children and questioning whether you might like it and getting an erection after thinking about it a long time. That's just forcing yourself to get an erection pretty much.

Thank you all for your replies. I know it’s my OCD, I just need to stop taking the be false bait. OCD mimics reality and can seem so real. It’s all in my head. Compulsions are the fuel that keep OCD alive and well.

Anyhow, I won’t be returning to this forum as looking for reassurance is one of my main compulsions, I need to seriously limit my internet access for that matter. I just wanted y’all to know I appreciate your compassion and thoughts and I wish you all the best with whatever battle you guys are fighting.

Now if you’d excuse me, I need to go kick OCD’s ass. Goodbye forums and endless reassurance, I’m living now. It won’t be easy, but I believe I can do this. By changing my behaviour I’m changing my brain. Neuroplasticity, baby!

Cheers

I understand exactly everything you said in this and have had the same thought processes and thoughts about the same ######6 thing. OCD is a paradox and you can't figure anything about it out certainty is not an option. The only thing to do is stop thinking about it, or have the unwanted thought/feeling pass through and don't react to it with compulsion etc. the bad thing is the depression and guilt and doubt, K don't know how to help this, so maybe I will go on meds and finally get therapy.

Hey,

I agree with what your therapist told you. Sexual attraction is not black and white. I remember reading on an OCD website somewhere that our brains have sexual "brakes" and "accelerators". The "accelerators" make us feel aroused and the "brakes" slow/stop sexual attraction when it doesn't line up with our character or morals. The unfortunate thing is that these accelerators and brakes don't work very well. Our brain might cause some sort of arousal when it recognizes something sexual without actually being attracted to the thing itself. You mentioned one of the pictures was of a child in revealing clothes. The fact that you were able to masturbate to this sounds like your brain saw the revealing clothes and connected it to sex, and then your OCD told you that makes you a pedophile. When in reality, you're not attracted to the child itself, but your brain made a connection between the revealing outfit and sex. You honestly do NOT sound like a pedo to me. Your brain will come up with every reason to make you think you're a pedophile or are becoming one, but try not to take these worries seriously. "Your mind is a tool to be used, not a friend to be trusted" - someone. I wish you the best. Peace be with you, friend.