I have to be gay or bi

I’ve been dealing with hocd for over a year now and I’ve had every symptom every other hocd person has, there’s no point in writing out my story cause it’ll be the exact as everyone else’s. I was always attracted to girls and only ever had crushes on girls and have been easily attracted to them my whole life. I became a porn addict at the a very young age, I’m 16 now and I was first attracted to naked pics of women then to lesbian then straight and eventually escalated into gay porn. I barely ever watched gay porn but whenever I did it was always older with younger, that was my fantasy of gay porn. I found it disgusting and taboo which kinda got me attracted, and I masturbated to it. I’ve had thousands of fantasies of women, but I’ve also had a few with men. The only times I had a same sex fantasies was me machining a older guy, and I remember having two guys which was a gym teacher and priest. That was 4 years ago, now at this time I cannot even feel any arousal to these thoughts and I don’t know how I found them attractive. Also during these times of gay fantasies I never felt any arousal or attraction to these people in real life. Last year my hocd got pretty bad to the point where I was watching gay porn everyday which caused even more gay fantasies but all of these were forced and not enjoyable. I always felt guilty after watching gay porn or having a same sex fantasy. Everyday now I see a guy I’m scared I’m attracted to them when the thought of even just kissing a guy is very repulsive, and when I see girls my mind tells me I don’t like them anymore. I can never believe I’m straight cause of these fantasies and that’s my problem. I really have stopped my bad porn habits and it’s not as bad as a addiction anymore which means no interest in gay porn and never do I have same sex fantasies, I sometimes get intrusive thoughts of guys as I masturbate and I’m completely disinterested and say get out of my head. I can’t life these thoughts are disabling and because of my past I can never get over this, I’ve had so many crushes and so many sexual fantasies with girls it’s insane. But I don’t know what to do I’m going to tell my dad soon but do these same sex fantasies make me gay?

Believe it or not, these fantasies that you are having are very common. One in every five men fantasizes about having sex with men, and one in every four fantasized about oral sex with men. One out of every two men fantasize about having sex with a person much older. So rest assured: you are not the only one having these thoughts; I do too. Sometimes, I have thoughts about having sex with my own father! It is disgusting, it is horrifying, and it is unpleasant. But this is the nature of intrusive thoughts: they are weird and assume things in the forbidden zone. That is why it is normal to have thoughts about going to hell, of having sex with God or a divine being, or of being blasphemous. You are in a safe place, mate.

And it is also completely normal for straight men to be aroused by naked men. At the end of the day, anatomically men are not very different from women, so the sight of skin, smoothness of the body, shape of butt or breasts, the awkward movements of the penis can make us men go nuts sometimes. That is normal. You should not feel guilty about it; if anything, I would question why some men would not be aroused sometimes by other men. This is not to say that you may not be gay. This is something that you have to analyze carefully as it is a major life decision and only you know yourself best. But us straight men can be aroused by other men, and that is fine.

So, when you watched the gay pornography, there could be many factors that have affected your arousal: act of sex, moaning, oral sex, anal sex, dominance, etc. These are factors that should honestly move any person as they are universal in nature. There is a difference, however, between being aroused by men and wanting ever so badly to be with a man. Believe it or not, you can reverse this too: there are data to support that some gay men find us straight men more attractive than gay men!!! 21 percent of straight men have reported to watch gay porn, and that could be due to a multitude of reasons, but remember that when you go on the street, one out of every five men you see have watched gay pornography.

As with many things in life, there are things that once you do too much of, you don’t relish in as much as before. Think about when your loved one comes back from war. At first, there is exhilaration, but after a few days everything equilibrates. The same thing with arousal. If you remember watching porn the first time, it was quite the experience. But after many times, it becomes less joyous. And that is why you may be losing interest in both men and women. If you find new videos, you may have a heightened arousal just because of their novelty. There is a good chance that the first porn video you watched and were so excited about may not excite you in the least now, just because of the evolution of your interests over the years. So don’t worry: we all have the same problems, and Google is a witness to that.

Remember: intrusive thoughts are okay. Typically, people with OCD have intrusive thoughts ALL THE TIME. Like, ALL THE TIME. They cannot control them, but their brain just produces them. They are not a representation of you as a person: they are just a jumble of thoughts and memories. You cannot suppress them or control them, but you can ignore them and observe them as if you are a scientist, not critiquing them but letting them come in and out and in and out. That is the real struggle that all OCD patients must have to deal with.

Again, in this world and age, it is okay to be whoever the heck you want to be. But take a close look at yourself; be introspective. See who you like, hang out with people. We all have these thoughts, and it is okay and normal.

Stop focusing on your labels and such. They are irrelevant, and are an invention anyway. Being straight, gay, bi are modern concepts.

You have OCD.

There is way more to being gay than watching porn. Trust me, take it from a gay man himself, I have always known I was gay and I wasn’t afraid of it. Also the thought of me kissing men is a huge turn on, not one thing about it is repulsive to me.

You’re not gay, you have serious OCD. Hope that makes you feel better