Bouncing between HOCD and TOCD

Hello, I'm an italian guy, I'm 23.
Forgive my english because is not my first language.
I've always being an obsessive subject, between 16-20 y old I've had a phase on Disease ocd. I was always terrified by disease and illness, we can say I was heavly hypochondriac and spent hundred of euros in useless medical visit since I was perfectly fine.
Last year I've had my first HOCD phase, it was a period of my life where I totally losted interested on girls, no interest in sex at all, and that was scarying the sh*t out of me.
Anyway on march 2017 i made an homosexual dream and wake up aroused and that's how it started. It have been 3 months of hell. No sleeping, no eating, compulsive masturbation on gay stuff to check if I get aroused and compulsive masturbation on straight stuff to check if I was still aroused by that. After three months I met a girl and start feeling good with her, and sex was great as well, so my HOCD dissapear.
But that wans't the end.
After few days TOCD came out.
My main triggers were:
- When I was a little kid i always like to play with my borthers battleing with wood stick, but in our stories I always play as a female character, I don't know why.
- When I play GDR games o games where you can customize you character I always prefer female character over males.

On the other hand I've never experienced uncomfort with my body or my puberty, I was really happy when first pubic hair and facial hairs show up and always liked to have a full beard.
I was perfectly fine with my penis, sometimes I'd like to have some inches more, but I think every male would like that
For great part of my teen-ager phase i was really thin, and feel uncomfortable about that, i would have liked more muscles that's why at age 18 I went to the gym and that wa sone of the best thing I've ever done, since my body looks way better now.
I've never felt uncomfortable with male pronous and never want to be treat as a female. I rember and episode, when I was a little kid (8 y old) I have long hairs and an old women mistaken me for a female due to my long hairs, the next day I went to barber to get rid of my long hair since i didn't want to be taken for a girl.
Always like normal boyish play and toy ect.
When I was in the grip of tocd i act many compulsions like:
- Imaging myself as a girl
- Trying do stuff in girlish way to see if I get rid of anxiety
- Even tried to dress a bra to see if i feel any relief (that was grotesque)
- Wathcing any female and think "would i like to be like her?"
- Costantly checking my body and my penis in front of the mirror trying to find out if I feel uncomfortable with it.
- Reading stories of transgender people and googling topic like "what makes you transgender? How to find out you're trans? 5 signs you might be trans" and stuff like that.
In may i strated seeing a pure O-therapist, and he told me i had and OCD.
I've made great improvements with him, thanks to therapy and medicine, in fact at July I was perfectly fine, my fear was gone, my university test were passed and I can finally enjoy my life.
I stop taking medicine since i thought I was fine and get rid of my obsessions forever.
And then it started again.
On september I met a new girl and we start dating each other, and we're now in a relathionship. One of the first time we had sex I was bit anxious and can't get an erection, and that put me down to the well again.
I've start thinking things like "You see? That's mean you're gay? You're just in the closet, this isn't just an obsessions like tocd, cause you got a tangible proof that you don't like girls."
And i start thinking " Ah, how simple it was TOCD, it was only a mental ruminate, not like HOCD were i got a tangible proof."
Anyway this obsessions last only for one week, because when we tried to have sex again everything worked perfectly fine.
And guess who showed back after some weeks?
Yep, you got it. TOCD. Again.
It all starts again: intrusive thought, depression, fear, crying, apathy, anxiety, compulsion, feeling feminine, felling my mind as a female mind, felling like i got a female soul inside me, think with feminine voice.
And the compulsion starts again: chekcing my self, checking penis, trying to imagine my self as a girl, trying to imagine myself with boobs and vagina, when i talk in my head with my self sometimes is like I feel forced to use female pronous to see what happend, feeling that my action are mad in feminine way, and checking site with trans stories.
And you know the funny parts? Not only the HOCD as gone, but the event that helps me get rid of HOCD is using against me!
Sometimes i think "You see? HOCD was just an obsession, cause you have a tangible proof against it, you can't have any tangible proof now."
And other times i think: "Ah, how simple it was HOCD, because I was able to get a tangible proof to get rid of it and not only mental rumination."
You see? It looks like my mind follows always the same schedule. When the one is present, the other is gone and seems stupid and unreal.
I'm scared that this feelings and this fears won't go away, that this time is truth and not only TOCD.
I'm sick of it, I don't how long I'm going to resist.
Help me please, there is anyone who feels the way I do?
Thank you, and forgive my english.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. From one angle, it could be said that the fact it is switching between two different themes shows that it is OCD as changing themes is a common aspect of OCD.

Are you still seeing your therapist? It sounds like that was helping you in the past.

In terms of the erection, having issues with it on one occasion does not make you gay, even if it is on multiple occassions, there are many reasons why it would be, as it was a new girlfriend, maybe you were the nervous at the time, that happens to me sometimes where I can get it up easy for oral and touching but when it comes to "the act" then it can be difficult if it is a new partner and we aren't as close.

Checking is a very common compulsion and it sounds like something you have done that a lot.

I hope that you can find the relief that you so deeply desire

Hi and thanks for sharing your story, it’s very similar to mine especially in the childhood stuff and in the checking part: when I was a kid I used to do all the stuff you did too but I never ever thought I was in the wrong body or neither I had any sort of discomfort. About the checking part, I check myself for “proof” that I’m not trans basically every time I look into the mirror, trying to understand if I like my body or not and it’s tiring. I hope you’ll find some reassurance and please go back to therapy if it made you feel better about it, don’t be like me and be scared of telling anyone cause then they will make you accept it

I want to ask something when you guys look at yourself in front of mirror do you feel like you are uncomfortable with your genital as “FALSE FEELINGS” can ocd do this ? Do you feel like its real ? Or is it just me who feels that way ? Because it scares me. I have never felt like this before i was comfortable with my every body part

wsdNn wrote:I want to ask something when you guys look at yourself in front of mirror do you feel like you are uncomfortable with your genital as “FALSE FEELINGS” can ocd do this ? Do you feel like its real ? Or is it just me who feels that way ? Because it scares me. I have never felt like this before i was comfortable with my every body part

I get this too, other forum members and my previous therapist said it is part of OCD