fears of incest and real event ocd

Earlier today I randomly remembered a couple times from when I was probably about 14 or 15 and I looked up incest porn. i remember watching some videos that looked kind of amateurish and grainy/not well shot and it hit me that maybe they were videos of real incest. i remember that the search terms i used were something like 'real brother real sister,' but i'm not sure if i had used those search terms to distinguish between fake stepsibling porn and fake sibling porn or if i used those search terms to find real incest. all of a sudden these thoughts triggered a bunch of memories from around that time, including me fantasizing about my younger sister, who was about two years younger at the time. i'm partially afraid that i technically molested her or something because of this one time when i believe i (ughhh i feel so awful) lightly punched her breasts, maybe because i was horny or out of sexual curiosity or something like that. though i have been diagnosed with OCD concerning these sorts of things, i'm terrified and really overwhelmed by all these thoughts. i feel really dark and like i'm a depraved criminal who's done terrible, terrible things. i'm afraid that maybe i really was interested in acting out those fantasies, and that i did want to do those things in reality. i'm totally horrified and i'm afraid that if my friends knew about this they would think i was disgusting. i'm just so scared because, this whole time with my CBT specialist, we've been saying that it was just a fantasy, and that fantasies are harmless; part of me thinks that this means i wanted to do it in real life, and it wasn't a fantasy but a truly sick desire that i had. the idea that maybe i would have hurt someone or hurt my sister or something, but i was just holding myself back makes me want to cry. the incest porn thing is also so scary because i feel that it's possible i was looking for real incest porn, which makes me feel so immoral and dirty and horrible. though i was a kid, i was still in high school i think - i feel pretty sure no normal, well-adjusted high school kid would ever do that. maybe i was just a kid and was trying to figure things out, and was confused or something? i can't stop having all these terrible thoughts of how dark and evil i feel i am. i'm convinced that my moral life is essentially over, and that there's no way i can ever be a good person because of this. i don't know of anyone who's done anything like this, so as far as i know i'm really, really strange and messed up. please help - am i a sick disgusting perverted person who's done terrible things, or am i just someone obsessing over relatively normal childhood mistakes?

thank you so much for listening.

anyone?

I think the main thing im really afraid of is that the porn watching was indicative of me actually wanting to hurt my sister in some way, and that I was out of control and just barely managed to prevent myself from hurting her. it terrifies me to think that maybe I possibly actually WANTED to abuse somebody or something.

For what it's worth I believe it was mere curiosity of a teen online and the fact that you have a sister magnified the fear after searching.

Thing with OCD is it feeds off of heart pumping freakouts and excels at telling people things until they believe it.

Here's what you said.
You looked up porn as a teen.
You have OCD.
You have a sister.
You don't want to hurt her, and are worried of fantasies.

^All of this tells me it's nothing more than OCD. I wish I could relieve the OCD thoughts, but I'm certain that's all they are based off of what you posted.

huh. That makes sense actually. so maybe in my memory, a couple stupid things I did that were kind of inappropriate and might be attributed to kids being horny and dumb (like the punch thing) got intertwined with weird porn and fantasies simply because I had a sister, making me think that the two were related when in reality they very well might have been disparate? is that what you're saying here? if so, should I just try to accept that and move on (a la CBT/trying not to care about the past)?

also, the heart pounding thing is so accurate - I thought I was the only one

Exactly. Try to relax, and if the thoughts crop up simply combat them as best as possible with what I detailed. Hope the OCD chatter chills for ya soon enough. <3

sorry to bother you - another thought popped into my head earlier today that kind of restarted this fear. i remembered about this one time during about the same period of time when I was on a porn site and masturbated to a model that looked like an older version of my sister. I feel pretty sure I did it because she looked similar to an older version of my sister, and I feel super disgusted and gross. I don't think I ever did it after that one time, but im still terrified now that I remember it. there's no way that's normal and not perverted, right? I don't know what im going to do - I feel like all these random memories seem to piecing together some kind of proof that I was a sexual pervert who was interested in real incest or something. please help. tho its very much in the past I still feel horrible and disgusting about it and im really unsure.

-- Mon Oct 23, 2017 6:54 pm --

it's mostly scary cause watching something is an action, so it doesn't seem like it was just fantasy to my brain at the moment. Should I just continue with my week and attempt to practice my CBT techniques of not caring until my next appointment with my CBT specialist?

Ok so you are saying you were on a porn site (probably already horny)

You spot a model who looks like her (but is in an awkward safety zone of not being related)

You then were likely in that weird state that... I'm not sure how many go through this, but I'm a total d!ck with my OCD. I get intrusive thoughts at times while I'm trying to masturbate. I basically assert dominance with the imagery, and ask myself how the hell I powered through that after.

I don't have siblings, but I think it's basically the same thing in your case. When OCD thoughts (especially in relation to things like sexual fantasy) crop up it's hard to look away. You're already obsessively focused, however this doesn't mean you have any desire to actually hurt her. Mine are intrusive self harm thoughts and I've never started to come anywhere close to hurting myself the way my thoughts have tried to convince me.

Keep with your cognitive behavioral therapy. If you're on a site like that again, try to filter for maybe a different hair color or other feature that is different from her. Don't test the water to see if the next time you won't have that happen with the same woman either. If you do, your feeding your OCD through checking. From what I've seen sexual OCD is hard to get rid of for this reason. It's basically like easing yourself into becoming what makes you anxious. You might try calling /texting your specialist too.

ok, I kind of understand - this more veers toward weird fantasy, as in a horny moment something kind of arousing popped up and I masturbated to it because it was there and kind of was related to my fantasies. i guess this makes sense, tho im still kinda worried it meant that at the time I was attracted to my real sister in real life. Nevertheless, even though it's not exactly like you with the intrusive thoughts, it's a similar principle - no one got hurt from that, I never did it again after, and it happened like a little more than two years ago when I was a younger teen so try to forget it.

Right and over time as you learn to let go of the thoughts more than think them, I feel you'll realize you don't carry those feelings. I think it best to not think about what your thoughts were, because your OCD will try to convince you that you thought differently than you did. Instead focus on what you want to be now.