Do I have HOCD or am I just gay?

Hi.

When I was little I was a bit of the weird kid who never really had any interactions with girls. But it was like my biggest dream, to kiss girls and similar. I had several huge crushes growing up and I would obsess about them, even small things such as her saying one thing to me would occupy my thoughts for days straight.

When I started getting older I fantasised a lot about sex and would actually hump my bed thinking about girls. I realised that social media made talking to girls without actually talking to them really easy (I was an awkward nerd), and I would text tons of different girls, trying to get something romantic or sexual out of it (asshole I know, just trying to prove my love for girls.)

I lost my virginity about 4 years ago, when i was 14. I got a girlfriend and this was the first time I actually touched a girl, and we would make out for hours and my penis would be rock hard and all of that, I was really horny for her. Sex felt like a big step however, and I wanted to wait, so three months later we had sex. Me and my girlfriend, who I was with for 2,5 years, had a lot of sex for the fist two years. I was always horny, though, she was never really satisfied, I was really egoistic, young and stupid, which meant she almost never got to orgasm. I never quite got the hang of sex. When I had started masturbating to porn several years earlier, I just did with the goal of cumming, which I tried to do as fast as possible. I started doing this at 12-13, so it was pattern stuck in my brain, and I didn't understand how sex was supposed to work or feel.

For the last six months of our relationship she almost never wanted to have sex. I was so horny, but had to supress it. Eventually my libido started to adapt to hers, and I accepted that she didn't want it. One night she finally seemed to want to have sex, but I was so chocked and literally scared so I couldn't get it up and she broke up with me. This was 1,5 years ago. For the next 7 months, I noticed that I was almost never horny, which I always was before, my libido seemed dead. Then I forced myself to start dating a girl who I never really liked (there was also a lot of pressure from mutual friends, which also added to the pressure I felt sexually) to prove to myself that I could get hard to girls. We met at a party for the first time, and at that same party our friends made us make out. I couldn't get it up. I don't know why, I can think of a thousand reasons, but I panniced internally the entire time, and we started dating afterwards. It was so awkward everytime we met, but we kept on going. Sometimes when we made out, like on the bus, I got really hard, sometimes not, but I was never relaxed or felt connected to her. She broke up after two months and somewhere around there what I think is HOCD started for me.

Ever since then (10 months ago), I have had so much anxiety over why my libido is gone and if there's a possibilty of me being gay. It started with me feeling like something was moving in my penis when looking at guys at the gym, what I've learned is called gronial response. Well, they've given me many panic attacks the last months. I started to think all the time about if that interaction with a guy got me hard or not, or if I'm attracted to that guy or whatever. These last 4 months it has gotten way worse. Now everytime I think about a penis or a male or even the word penis at all I feel something in my penis, and sometimes I'm convinced that I get small erections and I just want to die. The thing is that when I google for solutions and stuff and I feel tons of anxiety I get gronial responses too, it's like I get aroused from the anxiety. However, every time I'm close to a girl or thinking about a naked girl or whatever I feel nothing. It's like I can only get aroused by the things I really don't want to be aroused by at all. This is killing me. I feel like I don't even know what attraction feels like anymore, I've lost all sense of it. I just think about this stuff all the ######6 time, checking for responses and reactions, googling for diagnoses, freaking out over my life. I don't remember how it feels to be attracted to someone so I don't know if what I'm feeling is real or HOCD. Can HOCD screw my brain so hard that I get gronial responses from men-related stuff only, and never girls? I've jerked off to straight porn my entire life (even though I almost never do it anymore since my first breakup), but now when I've tried gay porn it made me a bit aroused too. I was still pretty disgusted, but not as much as when I tried like six months ago. I can't take this.

I just want to meet a girl and have sex with her and take her to the movies and live a wonderful life with her. I've NEVER thought about a guy like. I've never had a crush on a guy, and before I started to have all these thoughts, I never had sexual thoughts or responses about men. I believe that I'm straight but this is killing me. I have nothing against gays and I read somewhere that people who are gay in denial don't have this much trouble coming out, and I think that's true. Because I'm 110 % for gay rights and stuff, but still I can't accept the possibilty of me being gay, because it feels wrong and I don't want to, even though I'm and open minded person.

Please tell me what you think about my situation and how I can get rid of my problems, I just want them gone.

You're 18? I'm 30 and was 19 when I was afflicted with HOCD. I too had crushes on girls but I never had a girlfriend due to anxiety, fear of rejection etc. I think my HOCD started because of my insecurities. But yes, I've spiked when I see good looking guys and today I spiked at the gym because this built dude was working out next to me. Although I slowly got over it around the middle of my work out.

I recommend seeing a mental health therapist that specializes in OCD, specifically HOCD. This site should be used as encouragement, but should never serve as a substitute for medical help. A psychologist or psychiatrist is 10 times more helpful than anyone on this board. Good luck though and welcome to the board.

mc1 wrote:You're 18? I'm 30 and was 19 when I was afflicted with HOCD. I too had crushes on girls but I never had a girlfriend due to anxiety, fear of rejection etc. I think my HOCD started because of my insecurities. But yes, I've spiked when I see good looking guys and today I spiked at the gym because this built dude was working out next to me. Although I slowly got over it around the middle of my work out.

I recommend seeing a mental health therapist that specializes in OCD, specifically HOCD. This site should be used as encouragement, but should never serve as a substitute for medical help. A psychologist or psychiatrist is 10 times more helpful than anyone on this board. Good luck though and welcome to the board.

Yeah, I'm 18. I live in a small town in a small country so the number of psychologists is very low, and there are simply none that specializes in OCD, so I'm unsure what to do. There is one place that specializes in general CBT, would that be helpful? Or should I buy one of those online courses that's specifically for HOCD?

I don't think you're gay. I'm gay myself and you just don't sound gay. I love being gay I mean I think most gay people do.

Also good to read I'm not the only one with a lack of libido.. I feel you

HI,

I have contamination OCD but I'm new in this forum and I wanted to read other types to see if I can help at least a bit

I think both responses you got from these guys are just amazing and true.

Based on what you say, if you have at least a place that specializes in CBT-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy right ? then that is great, that type of therapy is what doctors recommend for OCD, is the best therapy that so far has proven to be useful. I would say just go there, it will help a lot!

you're NOT gay. you are very straight actually!

Anxiety proves your sexual orientation is indeed STRAIGHT

Looking at dicks is sexual thing and it causes arousal because it's a sexual reaction. it makes you think about sex. doesn't mean that you wanna ###$ the dude in the ass. im serious . it's nonsense. When look at porn and see gangbang scenes, my dick explodes because i wish i could have the same huge dicks those guys have to ###$ the woman. it doesn't mean i want to ###$ the dude. i just admire his dick because i wish i could have it to ###$ the lady

You are straight!