Struggling really badly, someone reply

Hi everyone

Just wanted to share my recent experiences with my struggle with what I hope to be HOCD.

I've had it for about 5 years now, and it seems to be tightening its grip on my mind, I've had a girlfriend for the last 4 years now and have had loads of girlfriends in the past but this obsession is making it really hard for me to enjoy my beautiful girlfriend whom I love very much. At the beginning of our relationship this didnt bother me at all, and we've always had great sex lives, doing it regularly through the whole time. I'm never quite in the moment though because I'm always getting thoughts which pop into my head during sex which say 'your gay' and that makes me lose my erections which is another massive worry for me.

Right now I'm so split in two, there's one side of me that obviously knows that what I'm going through isn't real or normal and there's the side which doubts everything, I really don't want to be gay I've always loved women and sometimes when I catch myself off guard I'm like 'really? I can't believe this is even happening to me'.

At the moment I'm really in hell, I think I've possibly got a few different disorders really bouncing off of each other, from the moment I wake up till the moment I sleep I've got a panicked feeling, sort of like adrenaline which really sucks and I can never get comfortable, I'm worrying constantly all the time and it's absolutely exhausting. I literally sexualise everything and anyone when I'm outside, I'm constantly seeing if I fancy the good looking women or fancy the good looking guys, which for me now I've worked myself up for so long I'm kind of sexually numb at the moment. This is even worse for me than the HOCD I hate the fact that my desire for women is diminished, because I love them!

I was seeing a councillor a few months back and she told me that I share a lot of similarities to that of Pure-O and I can believe it because I'm sure this isn't how people find out that they're gay. I've tried to be cool with it loads of times but I just can't feel comfortable with it, no matter how hard I try. I'll just say to myself 'it doesn't matter just roll with it' then a few hours later it's exactly the same stupid battling again in my head.

It's gotten to the point where I can't really even remember what's a normal response to arousal, I'm like thinking if I'm not getting erections over women fully clothed in the street or if I'm not deviantly checking out every woman than i must be gay, it's driving me insane. It's like there's a constant voice in my head saying 'your gay' and then that's where I come in saying 'I'm not, I'm not, I'm not'

I've never really had any issues with gay people and always thought it's everyone's own business what they decide to do with their lives, I can't say I've always been completely comfortable around LGBT people but I've never actively disliked them so I've got nothing against them, I just know that I could never be comfortable being homosexual. I have tried watching gay porn on a couple of occasions and I just couldn't keep my erection, which should be the ultimate proof but no, my struggle continues.

i just feel exhausted, I'm trying to stay strong but this constant battle in my head is really taking its toll on my sanity, I'm getting depressed and I just want to have my girlfriend back, my life back and most importantly my happiness back.


Please reply if anyone can relate I'd like to hear what people think.

I'm a 30 year old male that's suffered form HOCD for 11 years. It's hindered my ability to get a girlfriend because I'm constantly worried if I'm gay. It sucks going out in public for fear that I'll spike when I see nice looking guys.

You're not alone in this, and it's important we realize that it's a mental disorder and not a sexual orientation issue. I have to remind myself of that constantly.

JoeMcd wrote:It's gotten to the point where I can't really even remember what's a normal response to arousal, I'm like thinking if I'm not getting erections over women fully clothed in the street or if I'm not deviantly checking out every woman than i must be gay, it's driving me insane. It's like there's a constant voice in my head saying 'your gay' and then that's where I come in saying 'I'm not, I'm not, I'm not'

I can definitely relate to this. I'm a female and have gotten into the habit of analyzing everything I feel towards men. If I'm not head over heals infatuated with my boyfriend all the time=lesbian. Or if I don't feel attraction towards every decent looking guy then I must be gay. And as a result my sex drive and attraction to men is at an all time low. It sucks.

Right now I can't give you solid advice because I'm pretty much in the same boat. Just know you aren't alone. I would suggest though to go to a therapist trained in treating OCD if it's available to you.