I think I am relapsing again (or maybe its real this time)

I was in therapy and I tried my best not to come on here and after a while I didn't feel the need to because it started feeling normal. I have stopped going now for about a month, but I think I should start again.

I don't want to trigger you by telling you all this but, I think the cycle is starting again for me. I got triggered yesterday by a girl I thought was pretty. So naturally I started feeling anxious. It wasn't so bad throughout the whole day but at night it got bad. I tried not to think about it, but the thoughts started popping in my head. I then realized that I never really have ever loved any guy. I have always liked guys but never gotten to the point of loving a guy. So that further furled my thoughts because I was like $#%^. That probably means I am gay. I started getting anxious and so I talked to a friend of mine who is pansexual. I thought maybe listening to her liking for girls could comfort and reassure me because I don't feel that way for girls. and for a bit when she was telling me how she liked a girl and what she felt. I totally couldn't relate. I was happy and the anxiety went away literally. Like my stomach started feeling normal again and I could breathe properly. But then she said that before however she used to get panic attacks too. She didn't want to anything other than straight. She hated it. She realized when she was 18 that she wasn't straight. That was one of the things that triggered me. Also this girl has a crush one me too which makes me feel uncomfortable.

Then when she told me she found out that she liked girls when she started liking a girl, I was like what if that happens to me? What if I start liking her? so since then I am kind of avoiding her. I started thinking what if in the future I like a girl too? That scared me so much and I was just anxious the whole night even when I was sleeping. I am not sure anymore if this is OCD or if its real and I am in denial about it because her experience isn't any different from mine. She felt anxiety too, she used to get anxiety and panic attacks as well. She didn't want it either. It's the same for me. Never in her life did she ever like girls, but then one day she did. Its the same for me. I have never ever liked a girl in that sense. I never want to. But the thing that made it her destiny in a way was that her mom is pansexual too. That was the only different factor. Other than that she said these thoughts plagued her too. And she said that she knows someone who was like me and they constantly had these thoughts in their head and then at the end they turn out to be not straight.

Honestly I am pretty sure I am gay. I am sure that sometime down the road I will realize I am gay. There are too many similarities for that to be true. Not a single thing is different to make this OCD or my anxiety playing with me. I don't know. I probably am gay. There is too little to prove I am not, and a lot to prove that I am. I don't even think I would mind if I was gay honestly. That is seriously messed up. If this is OCD then I am going too try the exercises my therapist taught me.

But would the thoughts really have gone away if this wasn't my anxiety? I mean therapy did make it better for me. it didn't cure it but I sure was able to start feeling normal again and like guys again. If this was really real then wouldn't therapy have been pointless? I don't know I am probably just making excuses. Maybe thats all I have been doing these past few months. Maybe I am just using this to deny the possibility that I could be gay.

Can anyone help? I am seriously feeling lost right now. I don't even have as much anxiety for some reason yet I am still worrying over this. I am not sure if me not having too much anxiety is a good thing or bad thing. I really dont know what to do. I keep thinking about the talk I had yesterday with that friend of mine and I feel stupid because I know I have given myself a reason to worry and stress about it again. I really just wanted to alleviate my anxiety by the means of hearing her talk about her experience and I wasn't expecting it to be so similar to what I am feeling. I mean what makes this different from what she went through. She had anxiety as well, she used to panic at thought of liking girls too. So how is this OCD? I am sorry I just need to know how its different. I need to know this is my OCD and that its not real.

Gwendolyn wrote:I got triggered yesterday by a girl I thought was pretty. So naturally I started feeling anxious.

Is it possible you could've simply recognized her as attractive?

I then realized that I never really have ever loved any guy. I have always liked guys but never gotten to the point of loving a guy.

But what about "sexual attraction"? You make it sound as if you've never been romantically attracted to them, but you don't say sexually/physically. There is a difference.

I started getting anxious and so I talked to a friend of mine who is pansexual. I thought maybe listening to her liking for girls could comfort and reassure me because I don't feel that way for girls. and for a bit when she was telling me how she liked a girl and what she felt. I totally couldn't relate. I was happy and the anxiety went away literally. Like my stomach started feeling normal again and I could breathe properly. But then she said that before however she used to get panic attacks too. She didn't want to anything other than straight. She hated it. She realized when she was 18 that she wasn't straight.

Curious as to whether she dates anyone who is her gender often, or doesn't and assumes she's into everyone cuz that's what her own HOCD tells her.

She felt anxiety too, she used to get anxiety and panic attacks as well. She didn't want it either. It's the same for me. Never in her life did she ever like girls, but then one day she did. Its the same for me. I have never ever liked a girl in that sense. I never want to. But the thing that made it her destiny in a way was that her mom is pansexual too.

I get my Pure OCD tendencies from my dad. Could be that OCD may simply run in the family here.

That was the only different factor. Other than that she said these thoughts plagued her too. And she said that she knows someone who was like me and they constantly had these thoughts in their head and then at the end they turn out to be not straight.

I'm bi, maybe I'm different from others, but I've never been plagued with anxiety over it. When talking to others about sexuality before they never said they had anxiety over the idea of being gay/bi other than coming out as such to others who may not be supportive.

I don't even think I would mind if I was gay honestly. That is seriously messed up. If this is OCD then I am going too try the exercises my therapist taught me.

Ok so question time. Why do you think it's messed up? I don't mean it as if you are being offensive, but rather it being perhaps messed up because you know subconsciously that you aren't likely gay and assuming you need to reshape your life into something you're not is messed up.

But would the thoughts really have gone away if this wasn't my anxiety? I mean therapy did make it better for me. it didn't cure it but I sure was able to start feeling normal again and like guys again.

Sounds pretty ungay to me. If you're into guys, and disturbed by the idea of being attracted to women...it's only OCD. I have a different form of OCD, so I'm not about to try to make light of it. OCD sucks, but try to do what you can to distract yourself. Eating healthier like cutting sugar and caffeine has helped me. If you're super full of energy from stimulants like those while stressed, your brain will think of all sorts of anxieties to not shut up about.

Thank you so much fo answering. I really appreciate it.

Is it possible you could've simply recognized her as attractive?

I did recognize her as attractive and I have done this a million times before this whole thing started. But since December if I find any girl pretty it means I am attracted to her. Thats the route my mind takes with me. I can't acknowledge a girl is pretty without asking myself if I am attracted to her and if thats why I find her pretty.

I then realized that I never really have ever loved any guy. I have always liked guys but never gotten to the point of loving a guy.

I have been romantically attracted to guys. Always have but I have never really understood the definition of sexual/physical attraction. Popular media says that its when you look at a guy you essentially get turned on. That has never happened. But the way my therapist explained it was its not that extreme. She said I was reading into it too much. So the way she explained it was that if I have ever wanted to kiss a guy, if I have ever wanted to touch him, be physically close to him to the point of intruding into his personal space then that defines sexual attraction. If by sexual/physical attraction you mean that definition, then yes I have been sexually attracted and physically attracted to men. I had this urge to kiss my crush when he was talking and like holding his hand and just being close to him physically speaking. I have been badly crushing on this celeb and I can say that I love his body and one more than one occasion I have fantasized about it. If that defines sexual attraction then yes I have been attracted to men whether my crushes or celebs in that way.
But if thats not sexual attraction then I haven't ever been sexually attracted to anyone guy or girl.

Curious as to whether she dates anyone who is her gender often, or doesn't and assumes she's into everyone cuz that's what her own HOCD tells her./quote]

From what she has told me she has liked girls and guys equally. She didn't mention dating anyone so I am not sure what her dating like looks like. She is pansexual as she describes herself as such because she started liking a girl when she was 18 and thats when she realized she is pansexual. I don't think she has HOCD because her mother herself is pan. She seems very comfortable being pansexual and doesn't mind it now. But when she was younger she hated to be anything other than straight.

I'm bi, maybe I'm different from others, but I've never been plagued with anxiety over it. When talking to others about sexuality before they never said they had anxiety over the idea of being gay/bi other than coming out as such to others who may not be supportive.

I hear that a lot as well. But my brain can't seem to ignore the other side that there are those who felt anxious over being gay or even the possibility of it. And that it is possible that I am in the same boat as them. Before this I never had any need to question my sexuality. It was as simple as me being alive. I like guys and thats it. I never felt the need to overanalyze it or even think about it. But just one day this one thought pops into my head it spiralled downwards from there. It was just one thought and that thought escalate into doubting and questioning my entire life. But even through all of this I have never once felt attracted to a girl in a sexual or romantic sense. I have feared that I may end up liking a girl and all the what ifs that accompany it but never true attraction that I have felt for guys.

But then my brain finds a way to counter this by saying that I am lying to myself, avoiding it, and denying it. I am not so sure what denial looks like. And then I can't tell whether this is just my anxiety or whether its real. I lose sight of what my reality is what isn't very quickly and that brings on its own anxiety.

Ok so question time. Why do you think it's messed up? I don't mean it as if you are being offensive, but rather it being perhaps messed up because you know subconsciously that you aren't likely gay and assuming you need to reshape your life into something you're not is messed up.

Honestly speaking something in me just can't go along with that idea. That if somehow I become okay with being gay then there is something wrong there, that its not the right in a way. I have said to myself countless times that I am gay and I need to accept it, but I never can accept it because I don't mean what I saying in the first place. Then the argument that comes from my head is that "you haven't realize you are gay yet" that I a I am really not meaning for it to be offensive because I have friends that are either lesbian, gay, or bi and I have no problems in supporting them, but just when it comes to be it becomes a threat and it starts to scare me.

Therapy really did make it bearable for me. The intensity and the frequency of the thoughts died down. I could look at girls again and just acknowledge their existence like I used to do before. I even started feeling attraction to guys again.

Thank you so much of replying again. It really has helped me. I do appreciate it.

Gwendolyn wrote:I have been romantically attracted to guys. Always have but I have never really understood the definition of sexual/physical attraction. Popular media says that its when you look at a guy you essentially get turned on. That has never happened.

omg I'm the same and I feel like every HOCDing girl always says they've been crushing on guys since kindergarden and then tons of celebs in puberty. I could never understand the whole "look at someone - get turned on " thing and it freaks me out now. I've had a few pretty intense crushes on guys too but they were unrequited.. my mind keeps rememberin every singe girl I ever found pretty (+admired, I guess. When I was younger and not confident with what I looked like at all) and i worry I'm one of those people who've just never realized they've been gay all along.

Gwendolyn wrote:
I did recognize her as attractive and I have done this a million times before this whole thing started. But since December if I find any girl pretty it means I am attracted to her. Thats the route my mind takes with me. I can't acknowledge a girl is pretty without asking myself if I am attracted to her and if thats why I find her pretty.

I then realized that I never really have ever loved any guy. I have always liked guys but never gotten to the point of loving a guy.

I have been romantically attracted to guys. Always have but I have never really understood the definition of sexual/physical attraction. Popular media says that its when you look at a guy you essentially get turned on. That has never happened. But the way my therapist explained it was its not that extreme. She said I was reading into it too much. So the way she explained it was that if I have ever wanted to kiss a guy, if I have ever wanted to touch him, be physically close to him to the point of intruding into his personal space then that defines sexual attraction. If by sexual/physical attraction you mean that definition, then yes I have been sexually attracted and physically attracted to men. I had this urge to kiss my crush when he was talking and like holding his hand and just being close to him physically speaking. I have been badly crushing on this celeb and I can say that I love his body and one more than one occasion I have fantasized about it. If that defines sexual attraction then yes I have been attracted to men whether my crushes or celebs in that way.
But if thats not sexual attraction then I haven't ever been sexually attracted to anyone guy or girl.

Z23 wrote:omg I'm the same and I feel like every HOCDing girl always says they've been crushing on guys since kindergarden and then tons of celebs in puberty. I could never understand the whole "look at someone - get turned on " thing and it freaks me out now. I've had a few pretty intense crushes on guys too but they were unrequited.. my mind keeps rememberin every singe girl I ever found pretty (+admired, I guess. When I was younger and not confident with what I looked like at all) and i worry I'm one of those people who've just never realized they've been gay all along.

You probably already know this, but to clarify it finding someone "attractive" is not the same as seeing them as sexually appealing. I can definitely see how that could be more than infuriating to deal with all the time having your brain not stfu. OCD often reminds me of the classic bully finding something that isn't true about someone and saying it over and over till everyone's making fun of the person for a thing they don't do.

Popular media is full of bs btw. Though I'm more into guys, I'm super picky as well. Most times I'm more into reactions than looks if that makes sense, so though I tend to be into guys more I have to learn a bit more about em before I find them sexually attractive. I agree with your therapist as well.

From what she has told me she has liked girls and guys equally. She didn't mention dating anyone so I am not sure what her dating like looks like. She is pansexual as she describes herself as such because she started liking a girl when she was 18 and thats when she realized she is pansexual. I don't think she has HOCD because her mother herself is pan. She seems very comfortable being pansexual and doesn't mind it now. But when she was younger she hated to be anything other than straight.

Sounds a bit iffy to me, but I'm not gonna ask you to berate her with questions either.

I'm bi, maybe I'm different from others, but I've never been plagued with anxiety over it. When talking to others about sexuality before they never said they had anxiety over the idea of being gay/bi other than coming out as such to others who may not be supportive.

I hear that a lot as well. But my brain can't seem to ignore the other side that there are those who felt anxious over being gay or even the possibility of it. And that it is possible that I am in the same boat as them. Before this I never had any need to question my sexuality. It was as simple as me being alive. I like guys and thats it. I never felt the need to overanalyze it or even think about it. But just one day this one thought pops into my head it spiralled downwards from there. It was just one thought and that thought escalate into doubting and questioning my entire life. But even through all of this I have never once felt attracted to a girl in a sexual or romantic sense. I have feared that I may end up liking a girl and all the what ifs that accompany it but never true attraction that I have felt for guys.

Maybe a red herring, but any more memory of what could've started that thought?

But then my brain finds a way to counter this by saying that I am lying to myself, avoiding it, and denying it. I am not so sure what denial looks like. And then I can't tell whether this is just my anxiety or whether its real. I lose sight of what my reality is what isn't very quickly and that brings on its own anxiety.

Yarr that be OCD. I've had a lifetime of "Oh you think that's real huh? Yeah well how bout you risk everything and assume juuuuuust that." Wish I had tips here, but all I can offer is that's definitely the OCD.

Honestly speaking something in me just can't go along with that idea. That if somehow I become okay with being gay then there is something wrong there, that its not the right in a way. I have said to myself countless times that I am gay and I need to accept it, but I never can accept it because I don't mean what I saying in the first place. Then the argument that comes from my head is that "you haven't realize you are gay yet" that I a I am really not meaning for it to be offensive because I have friends that are either lesbian, gay, or bi and I have no problems in supporting them, but just when it comes to be it becomes a threat and it starts to scare me.

Then that sounds like deep down you know you're not, and the bully in your head is simply being a turd. No worries, I don't think anyone reading what you wrote thought you meant it offensively. I merely wrote that so you would know I wasn't goin' after you with pitchforks or anything. ^_^

Therapy really did make it bearable for me. The intensity and the frequency of the thoughts died down. I could look at girls again and just acknowledge their existence like I used to do before. I even started feeling attraction to guys again.

Thank you so much of replying again. It really has helped me. I do appreciate it.

No problem! Hope you get some peace about it soon. Seems like going back to therapy might help a lot too.

Z23 wrote:

Gwendolyn wrote:I have been romantically attracted to guys. Always have but I have never really understood the definition of sexual/physical attraction. Popular media says that its when you look at a guy you essentially get turned on. That has never happened.

omg I'm the same and I feel like every HOCDing girl always says they've been crushing on guys since kindergarden and then tons of celebs in puberty. I could never understand the whole "look at someone - get turned on " thing and it freaks me out now. I've had a few pretty intense crushes on guys too but they were unrequited.. my mind keeps rememberin every singe girl I ever found pretty (+admired, I guess. When I was younger and not confident with what I looked like at all) and i worry I'm one of those people who've just never realized they've been gay all along.

I know it freaks me out now too. I didn't care about any of this before. I knew I like guys and that was it. there was no question about it. Not even .000000001%. My crushes have been unrequited as well and this one really intense crush broke my heart. I dont think I will ever forget him. But I totally get where you are coming from. I have never had a boyfriend, much less guy friends and that somehow now to my mind makes it a sign that I am somehow meant to be gay. The fact that I haven't fallen in love with a guy makes that much more probable. But that is probably because all my crushes and likings for guys have always been one sided. I mean I have always kept it to myself and never approached the other person to tell them I like them and in some cases even talked to them. I really dont know whats true and whats not because I have been overanalyzing every crush I have had, every feeling I have felt romantically to try and see whether it was real or not.

I can't let go of the what ifs. What if I fall for a girl like many others have when they were older? I have read so many stories of people realizing later in life they are gay when all their life nothing indicated that. I am the same way. Nothing in my past indicates this either, so whats to stop me from becoming the same ? What if that is me too? What if I fall for a girl one day? That scares the living daylights out of me. I don't want to fall for a girl, I dont want to be with a girl. I just want my old life back before all of this. I would give anything for that.

So I am with you all the way. I totally get your fear and I wish I had a way I could dispel it but I know anything I say your mind will contort into something to get back at you.

You probably already know this, but to clarify it finding someone "attractive" is not the same as seeing them as sexually appealing. I can definitely see how that could be more than infuriating to deal with all the time having your brain not stfu. OCD often reminds me of the classic bully finding something that isn't true about someone and saying it over and over till everyone's making fun of the person for a thing they don't do.

Popular media is full of bs btw. Though I'm more into guys, I'm super picky as well. Most times I'm more into reactions than looks if that makes sense, so though I tend to be into guys more I have to learn a bit more about em before I find them sexually attractive. I agree with your therapist as well.

I know finding someone attractive and being attracted are different things. But all common sense and logic goes out the window when my stomach starts tightening and I start feeling anxious. In that moment I can't seem to think of anything else. I try to detach myself from my thoughts, to see them as separate from myself like I was taught in therapy but sometimes it still gets to me.

I really liked this guy before all of this started. I don't talk to him a whole lot, just occasionally and that too rarely because we only meet when we volunteer for events. But I remember that before this began I liked him. I would always get butterflies around him, my cheeks would heat up, I would get nervous, and I would always try to stand very close to him.I would alway stay to be around him, and if I couldn't find him I would always get a bit disappointed and restless. I love spending time with him. He always makes me laugh and he's very cute honestly. He is weird in his own way, but I find that about him endearing. But now all that seems like a distant memory. I just feels very crappy. I am not too picky about guys because I like whoever I like. And similar to you I think sexual attraction for me is a matter of reaching that level of comfort with the person I am with.

Sounds a bit iffy to me, but I'm not gonna ask you to berate her with questions either.

I honestly dont know much about her having OCD because it doesn't seem like it. besides she seems to be happy being who she is and I agree I wouldn't want to impose on her either what I think and what not.

Maybe a red herring, but any more memory of what could've started that thought?

I am not too sure because it was the randomest thing ever. But another memory that comes to my head is when I was going to go out with my friend. I have always felt inferior and secretly jealous of her because for one she is very smart and she just has the whole package and technically guys falling at her feet.I want that too, and I want to be as smart and likeable as her, so there has alway been jealousy on my part to be honest. So I tried to dress up as well, to make myself feel better around her. So my mind went I think "do you like her or something that you are dressing up?". I laughed and let go of it. But then maybe like 4-5 days later I was watching tv and thinking about how comfortable I am around girls, and just very shy, and weird around guys because I can't seem to find words around them. Thats when the thought popped up in my head "am I gay?" Thats all I remember and I am sure before that nothing of this sort ever happened.

From then on the next whole week was hell, actually the past months have been hell. My anxiety was peaked 24/7 and I couldn't eat or sleep. I was very depressed. But thats how it started. Before this however I had a fear that I would get a heart attack. That was like 7-8 months before this whole Shazam began.

Then that sounds like deep down you know you're not, and the bully in your head is simply being a turd. No worries, I don't think anyone reading what you wrote thought you meant it offensively. I merely wrote that so you would know I wasn't goin' after you with pitchforks or anything. ^_^

I can't seem to accept it.I have tried so many times. I have had times where I was convinced I am gay, but it didn't last long. And that does provide me relief but then I think "what if its because I don't know how to accept?. What if I need help accepting it?" There is always a what if or a but to everything I think. I am really not sure how to accept this. I don't know how to. I have said it to myself out loud so many times" you are gay and you should accept it. just move on and accept it" but its empty words that don't mean much to me. They don't change anything for me. Everything still remains the same. Yesterday I thought I should try a relationship with a girl and get it over with but again nothing. I don't want to. Partly because I am scared because my mind would go haywire, and what if I end up liking it? and partly because it seems ridiculous to me because how am I supposed to like a girl? How does that work? It just makes me feel all weird and its almost laughable to me. Again don't mean any offence by this to anyone, but thats really what I think. I can't imagine it in my head. When I really try to focus on it and try to imagine it, its not what I would like or want.

I honestly just want my old life back and now what my brain is hitting me with is that I have never really liked any guys, but that I have just been in love with the idea of it all because that was something my therapist asked me. So now that is being used against me because I remembered it yesterday. My mind is now associating that with this whole thing. That its a sign I am gay.Its getting to me because what if I really have just been living a lie all this time. What if I never liked any guys I say I have liked? If I see something about lgbt community somewhere its a sign I am gay. I was reading this post on Tumblr and it said something and then I am gay. Then mu mind went see its a sign from the universe. It sounds ridiculous but its all very scary to me.