OCD, or am I incest/pedophile/hebephile?

I don't know how to describe how I feel, or what is true or what is wrong, or what is just OCD doubt.
I've been dealing with OCD since I was a kid. I used to rehearse lines in my head and out loud too of "I love God, but I hate the devil" but then it would come back at me "I hate God but I love the devil" several different times throughout the years. I didn't realize it was OCD until it tackled new subjects recently and has nearly caused me a mental breakdown. (ROCD, HOCD, POCD, etc.)

Right now, my mind is fixated on 2 things. The worry that I am incest, and the worry that I'm a pedophile/hebephile. The reasons why?

Well first, I should say that I've been hypersexual for YEARS. For as early as I can remember. But especially since I was 13 onwards, and discovered porn. I watched porn on and off for years until this year when I stopped. Anyhow, over the years I've objectified nearly every woman I've came into contact with. Not every one, but near every one. When I was younger, I caught myself objectifying/ogling my aunt. It gave me massive anxiety at the time, and as I type this now it gives me anxiety. It happened to another aunt one time too and it gave me anxiety. As well as when I was 16, (I'm 20 now) my younger sister was laying on the bed a few different days and I originally started punching her in the butt just because it was funny, but then I found myself liking it. I'm not sure that it was my actually liking her butt, or me comparing it to things I've watched in porn where they do that. I think back on that, and I can't stop obsessing over it. Over the years, I just kind of forgot about it, but when I seen her the other day (after not seeing her for months), I got major anxiety thinking about that. I also got thoughts of "oh wow she's grown" (referring to her chest area) and it tortures me. I don't want these thoughts. I can't tell if I feel legitimate arousal to those thoughts or not. All I know is that I don't want them. I've also objectified younger teen girls who are developing, but not just them. I pretty much objectify ALL women. I can't tell if I feel legitimate attraction for younger girls (youngest being probably 13-14) or if it's just the sex addicted part of my mind causing me to ogle and be attracted. It's torture. I feel like a monster.

Ever since recently, I cannot stop obsessing over these thoughts. It's interfering with my every day life. It tortures me. I didn't start obsessing about this until recently. That's what makes me think it's OCD. But then I think.. "what if this is just suppressed feelings and this is really how I feel?" It's an endless cycle of pain. Where before I was looking forward to my life with my girlfriend (hopefully soon to be wife, if I come out of this), now I'm afraid to have children for fear of being attracted to them. I feel like a freak. I find myself getting turned on sometimes at incest fantasy stories but I'm not sure if it's because I am that way myself, or if it's just because it's sexual. Also, when I think about those things I did in the past, I feel anxiety, and it's the same for when I think about if I ever did something sexually with family now. I would NEVER. I don't want these thoughts.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a form of OCD called "Pure O". What you described sounds like an almost textbook case of it. You might Google for more information.

The most important thing to know is that these intrusive thoughts DO NOT represent who you are inside. Most guys are pretty sexual, and that's normal; it's biology. The problem is that this type of OCD gets so intertwined with typical experiences that you can't see straight. "Pure O" can take on various forms, from incest/pedophilia type (very common) to a fear of hurting/killing people, etc. I've dealt with another type since I was 16, and I didn't even know it had a name until about a year ago.

I hurt for you because I know how painful it is. Just please remember the above, and know that you are not alone. I've read of a few techniques that can be helpful in dealing with it, and some are pretty effective. I would be happy to share them if you're interested.

Allison

Passingthrough2 are those techniques still available ?

I've been essentially struggling with the same thing as you for a while now. Every now and then the problem pops back up to give me endless floods of tears and panic attacks and it is truly, truly awful.
It was around mid 2020 when the cause of my obsession began. It is no secret to that when I was a child I basically had somewhat of an addiction to pornography, not not your typical kind. As in fetish material: inflation fetish to be precise. It was more out of curiousity for my younger self, as it usually is, but it is still bothersome for me to this day despite how I've essentially overcome it. What I would say stemmed off of the fetish, and possibly from trauma because I'm tremendously emetophobic (fear of vomit), was somewhat of a burp kink. And my younger brother had some sort of stomach problem which caused him to burp continuously, which somewhat made me feel physically aroused but not mentally in the slightest; I've looked this up and I've assumed it is arousal non concordance. It made me, and still makes me, feel incredibly physically and mentally ill and I've been obsessing over it for the past few days because I've been convinced that I tolerate incest and am sexually attracted to my younger brother which I am, in fact, absolutely not. Even the thought of being so makes me feel disgusting and putrid. I would never, ever want to feel that way towards my brother and I am so heavily disgusted and ashamed of myself that I have considered suicide.
I for one do not find neither belching nor ballooning of ones stomach sexy and I never really have, but I've been convinced I'm insane and will become some sort of serial killer for the past week or so. I have had the worst panic attack I have ever had because of it and it got so bad that I had to talk to a friend about it which has made it even more problematic because someone else now holds the information that I've been 'turned on' by my brother, he's young too which has made me think I'm a paedophile. I really have no idea what to do, and despite that it really isn't my fault because you can't always control arousal and it doesn't specifically have to be sexual, I still can't help but want to hurt myself over it and want to die.
I could really use help with this subject too because I really have no idea what to do about it and its becoming more and more problematic by the day and I can't stop obsessing over it. I'm unable to get help or diagnoses due to my parents, but I really do think I have OCD.
I dont mean to speak about my own problems, I only want to see if you or anyone else can relate because I feel thoroughly alone on this subject since its so taboo. I feel like I cant even talk to people normally anymore without feeling like im lying to them about who I am and that they're talking to an incestuous paedophile.
Best of wishes though.