ROCD intertwined with HOCD

Is there anyone else here dealing with constantly doubting your relationship? It would be helpful to know I'm not alone in this one.

I live with my bf of 2 and a half years and lately I've been hit hard with hocd/denial and also analyzing if I still have feelings for him. I look at him and feel completely empty. Those loving good feelings I had seem to not be there and I don't know what to think. I keep trying to look for something to indicate that it's still there, as this is a relationship I have invested a lot in. And this only feeds into my fear that I could be a lesbian.

It feels so hopeless honestly. Today I had a complete breakdown and honestly thought about dying. This whole thing has made me depressed.

I know how you feel! It's horrible. I was hit with the same thing around one month into my first relationship ever, so it made me super confused. I eventually was diagnosed with ocd but I had broken up with my boyfriend already because I truly thought I didn't love him anymore or that we shouldn't be together because I was having these thoughts, even though it killed me to do it. Since we broke up it has been hard for me but I have been going to therapy for my ocd. I have grown to understand it more and realize that the majority of these feelings and thoughts I had that made me think I should break up with him we're in fact because of my ocd. It makes me sad to think how much ocd impacted my relationship. I recently realized this and how much I miss him so I'm trying to get back together with him and I think it will end up happening! I'm so happy, because our relationship was fine before ocd. Obviously it won't be perfect but I know how to handle my ocd better now. So in terms of your relationship, you said you had all these loving feelings for him and then all of a sudden it feels like they're gone. I experienced that too. You're having so many obsessions over the feelings your experiencing that it basically seems like your feelings for him are gone. That isn't true. The fact that you're so depressed over this (I was too) indicates that this is NOT how you want to feel. Ocd can make you believe or feel things that aren't real. It is pretty crazy. I remember my bf and I would hang out, I'd have a great time, and then he would leave my house and I would lay there and obsess. Every time I would convince myself that I didn't like him or being around him and that I was gay. I dreaded this feeling and so in turn I began to dread being with him. Not because of him, I loved him, but because of the obsessing. This caused me to feel so guilty. The guilt was almost unbearable. The depression was so hard hitting. So I know how it is. My suggestion is to really do research, hopefully not to the point that it will become a compulsion because it has for me! But I do think insight and knowing more about your disorder will help. You can begin to understand what thoughts are your ocd and how ocd is causing you to feel this way. Hopefully you can see an ocd specialist too, this would be the best thing for you to do. Therapy helps so much. I promise you as real as this feels, it's ocd. Ocd clouds the truth so much and when you are in that hole it's hard to dig yourself out. But to me the fact that you had all these feelings and now it seems like they're suddenly gone is so clearly ocd. It seems like these feelings are gone but they aren't. Don't give up!