can someone maybe help me?

Hi, my name is D and I'm 19.I've suffered from OCD ever since I can remember, but it hadn't gotten his bad this about two years ago. My OCD is focused on germs, and it kills me sometimes. So much so I'll sometimes wash my hands over 50 times a day. This causes my hands to be rough and cracked. But I was okay for the most part. things were okay for a little while. Until a little over a year ago I had discovered some odd bumps on my arm.

I went into my doctor and found out it was a staph infection. Needless to say, this ruined me. He said I likely had got it from the cuts in my hands due to excessive washing. I went into a terrible downward spiral from then, for the first time in years I was beginning to think about those awful suicide thoughts, I cleaned everything with Lysol and disinfectant wipes. But it went away with antibiotics and creams like it should have, and it was over.

But the memories of it live on in my brain constantly. I was on some medication for my OCD for a while, which really helped. But then when I turned 19, I lost my health insurance and am currently waiting for my work to come through with my eligibility for new health care. But since I lost it, I can no longer afford my meds or any mental health, not yet anyway. But I've been having a really really bad spike in my OCD these last few days. I went into my room to change clothes and found a pair of shorts I hadn't worn in a while, and I touched them to unfold them.

That's when my brain clicked, and I started to worry if the shorts had been washed in a year since the infection. I went into a full out freak out. I'm crying constantly because I just want my OCD to stop, I'm miserable. I can't stop worrying about things if they're clean or if I had used Lysol spray on them or what. I feel like everything is dirty and I can't touch anything. I've been taking two to three showers a day to feel a little better, but it just comes right back. Idk what to do and I feel like I need someone to tell me I'm being completely ridiculous and that staph bacteria or whatever doesn't survive that long on surfaces or something idk. I just want to feel better.0

staph doesn't stay on any surfaces for longer than a year really. instead of seeking reassurance (which, trust me, makes everything worse) have you tried slowly working on ERP or anything? resisting compulsions and waiting for the spike to go down?

i know how you feel. i remember having my first panic attack at 9 years old because i ate a potato chip I thought wasn't clean. how silly is that?

id recommend easing into some ERP therapy if youre comfortable. just try resisting your compulsions. it can be painful, but it will help. we're here to support you when you're able, i would advise seeing a professional if possible

from what i gather, your compulsions are
- showers
- reassurance seeking (ex. "I feel like I need someone to tell me I'm being completely ridiculous and that staph bacteria or whatever doesn't survive that long on surfaces or something idk")
- spraying lysol
- resisting touching things you perceive as dirty

so, pick a situation that causes the least amount of distress. the next time you're in that situation and you get an urge to do the compulsion associated with it, try and not do the compulsion. does that make sense?