Compulsive Need to Confess (urgent)

Hi all

Recently, my confession OCD has been completely out of whack. Last year, I cheated on my (now ex) girlfriend. Please don't lecture me about this, that's not necessarily the focus of the thread. Plus, we're working on it.

I've had the obsessive need to confess everything about the cheating to her. Not just how long it went on and whatnot, specific details, conversations between the persons involved, etc.

It feels like with every confession she just gets more upset. Even though we're apart, we're still very very close. I understand what I did was wrong and all of that, but I hate hurting her even more with all of these confessions.

I ask her if she thinks they're important to hear. She usually just says she doesn't know. When I tell her I have a confession in mind, she tells me to go ahead and say it but I can tell how upset she gets after I do.

I feel like if I don't tell her every little detail I'll be lying and keeping secrets from her. I fear that I'll be even more of a disgusting and untrustworthy person if I don't come clean about everything and it's making me sick. I think that if she told me she didn't need to hear them I wouldn't have a problem with it. Like, if she told me not telling her the confessions didn't make me a liar I wouldn't get hung up on them, but so far she just doesn't know if she wants to hear them or not.

The guilt is overwhelming. I know I'm supposed to be guilty for the cheating itself, but the minor details and the possibility that I'm keeping secrets from her is making it worse. I'm always thinking "what if this is something that's important for her to know? What if not telling her this makes me a bad person/untrustworthy?" etc etc.

Any advice on what to do? We were in an LDR (long distance relationship, we still are long distance but we're not in a relationship) so we can't go to therapy. She goes to therapy and I do as well, separately, but I go more often than she does I believe. I've read about couples therapy for cheating, which is why I mention this.

I'm really at a loss, please help if possible.

Stop telling her more "confessions" related to the cheating. Choosing not to reveal details is not lying and unless she specifically asks is not appropriate to divulge NOR helpful for HER. These are your demons you need to fight with, and by unloading them onto her you are subconsciously unburdening yourself and burdening her. You are also reinforcing your intrusive thoughts by acting on them. You need to figure out why you cheated, how you will prevent a recurrence in the future should you find yourself in similar circumstances, and hopefully forgive yourself, which is where your therapist comes in.