girl with HOCD :(

Hello, i really hope you can help me...
I am quite and think i may be suffering from HOCD ever since I was really small I have had crushes on boys up until recently. I always imagined scenarios in my head with boys and couldn't wait to have a boyfriend and got butterflies around them.
I think my HOCD started a couple of years ago when I was watching a 'coming out video' in a PSHE class.
Since then I was scared and 'am I gay?' thoughts popped into my head. I kept pushing then out until after a few months they left my head.
However they did come and go and often caused me anxiety as I really didn't want to be gay.
My HOCD came back very badly in December and I had many panic attacks because I found girls attractive.

I suddenly had many flash backs of times I thought girls were attractive in the past.
Although I was only a preteen at the time I watched movies like 'American Pie' which had sexuality.
I never really understood them but always remembered my self finding the women gorgeous. I never was attracted TO them as far as I know... But remember finding them much more attractive then the guys. Whereas I only really liked 1 guy in the film.
I have always thought women were very very attractive, but when it came to being with them or having a relationship with them it did not appeal to me at all.
Since my HOCD has comeback very badly I no longer want a boyfriend as badly and I can't see my self with a man in the future.
My mind tells me I am in denial because I don't really care for guys anymore.
I defiantly don't want to be with a girl. the thought that I don't really long for guys tells me that I must be gay?
Is this true? I just don't want anything sexual or romantic anymore?
I keep thinking getting physically attracted to girls is a sign and whenever I see girl my mind tell me 'you like them' Apparantley this is false attraction?
I have to keep checking for reassurance on google and keep re-reading HOCD articles to see if I identify.
I got a massive anxiety attack when someone wrote it is possible to have HOCD and be gay...
I now look in the mirror at my body and don't recognise it and think it belongs to someone else because I don't identify with my body parts....
I'm not myself anymore and never want to go out with friends and anything to do with LGBT triggers anxiety.
I don't want any relationship right now I think I want to be be with a guy in the future but I I'm really unsure.
I now get scared girls are flirting with me or checking me out even when they're not.
Have I been in denial all this time?
I feel like it's so weird to have boobs and they're not mine or something? Does this mean I'm secretly a man?
I've spoken to my parents about this and they say it doesn't matter if I'm gay or not and to stop obsessing but I can't. Therapy is very expensive. I tried self-therapy for a few weeks but it is really hard and triggered more anxiety.
I told my friend about it and she said she suffered from HOCD for a year as well and we related a lot. But then my brain said do you like her??
I've always found girls stunning but never in that way???
Have I always been in denial?
Imagining kissing a guy now disgusting to me just thinking about their tongue in my mouth makes me want to gag, This is strange as i always loved the idea of being kissed by a boy. My mind tells me that i like kissing girls (when i imagine it ) just writing that makes me feel sick!
No offence intended to gay people as i have never been against them in any way and i have lost of family friends etc who are gay.
But ever since HOCD (if it even is that ) I have not wanted to be near gay girls as they trigger my anxiety badly) however I'm am still completely comfortable around gay guys for some reason??? All i can think about is finding girls cute and attractive. However no matter how intrusive my thoughts are i can never picture a relationship with a girl only ever a guy, however currently i don't see my self with anyone in the future!
Even being bi makes me panicked cause i don't want that
If you actually read all of this I can't thank you enough,
If you have read all of this i can't thank you enough!
Please help thanks

Hey girl! I'm a female and I think I too am experiencing HOCD. It hit me when I thought I found a girls butt attractive or aurousing. I lost all of my feelings towards my boyfriend. It was really scary for me, because this was someone that I love so much and to not feel anything was terrifying.
Now...I cant give you any reassurance because that's what OCD wants you to do. BUT...I did some talking today with someone I trusted and I am feeling okay.
I was in your shoes exactly.

One: I would suggest talking to a therapist or someone you trust. The person I talked to so happened to be a bisexual woman who is married to a man. So her incite meant a lot to me because she knew what she was talking about.
She told me she believes that everyone is attracted to both sexes. it's also completely normal to get auroused by the same sex and NOT want to do anything sexual with them! (More straight women watch lesibian porn...who woulda known!)
She also had me think about what felt more natural to me. and when I told her I lost all of my feelings for my boyfriend and how I found men so attractive before all of this mess. You have to think what you want. What you want to love and be with. And just be with it. Your thoughts and OCD do not choose who you love.

I hope this helps.

I'm a 30 year old male that's had HOCD for 11 years. It hit me when I was 19 and I spike when I see an attractive man. Honestly, if you were a lesbian then you wouldn't be on this site, but an LGBT themed site. The fact is this is a mental issue and not a sexual orientation issue.

I suggest seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist that specialized in OCD. If you find one that is versed in sexual orientation OCD that's even better. I say that because a mental therapist will have you do mental exercises to reduce your anxiety. This site may be useful for support but should never be used as a substitute for mental health.

I know what you're going through and I freak out when I see a picture of a nice looking man or if I encounter one in real life. My heartbeat goes up and I feel a slight pain in my stomach while I wonder if I "really like him." Ultimately, sexual orientation cannot be effectively measured and confirmed. For example people that check doors can confirm whether a door lock whereas we cannot do that. HOCD is internal and we have to know our orientation. I've always been straight and never wanted to date a man. However my lack of luck with women and low self-confidence fed off of that.