HOCD Doubt...just like you all out there

Hey, thx for having me in this forum first of all.

I started battling thoughts of being gay about 6 years ago, when i had a one night stand with a woman, had a hard time keeping the erection and on my way home suddenly this Picture occured in front of my mental eye for less than a moment of a porn Picture that i saw way back when i was in my early teenage years. It was a picture of 2 men having sex, the first gay Image i've ever seen and it caught my Attention back then. With this Image came the question "Did i have Problems keeping it hard because im gay?" And also had my first Panic attack.
In the Course of a couple of months the Panic attacks accumulated. Then came those internal discussions of sometimes up to 7 opinions in my head simultaniously constantly about whether i'm gay or not. From my first Panic attack on i felt different. I started losing attraction to all types of women i couldn't Keep my eyes off before. Dark Skin, arab, turkish, persian...oriental women. Simply lost attraction. Then i sttarted noticing guys and had major Panic attacks again. I fell very deep. It all got sometimes better sometimes worse. I often can't believe myself. I'm having thoughts i start to accept, i feel emotions i try to enjoy somehow, i try to calm myself, i try everything possible. In my clear Moments i feel like my brain is constantly playing against my will and i realize that my struggle hasn't been about finding myself again but simply another trick by my thoughts. Like i think to myself "Yes i would enjoy gay sex, so what...i might do it someday" 1 week later i would realize, that it wasn't me thinking that thought. 1 Week later again i would believe that it was me thinking that thought. It's like a pendulum that i can only watch Swinging but never stop at a Point. I really fon't know anymore whether i'm gay, bi, hetero, aliensexual or whatever.

But there is still one Thing that makes me wonder...
a couple of times, mostly when i have been in Long dark deep sessions of thinking (OCD maybe?) i would suddenly like "wake up" and see These thoughts as what they are. Out of nowhere i would be dragged out of These thoughts and stand above them with an absolutely clear mind and realise their nonsense and feel so incedibly unexplainably happy. But a couple of days later i would ask myself again "Can i really trust that Feeling?" And the questions would start again and wouldn't stop until they break me down again.

I seem to get erections to gay porn, though they feel different than a "healthy" erection. My reaction to gay porn is the main cause of my concern. That i do get erections is the reason why my questions wouldn't stop and my brain would Keep telling me "you have to try it, thats the only way you now whats up". So i follow These thoughts and fall into this dark spiral again until i realzie again that it's all b**sh*t. Then i would questions this realization again and it starts from beginning.
That's my story, sorry for the Long post.
Anyone goes through the same?
Peace and Patients,
Your ConfusedM

Hi there

This looks like a textbook case of ocd. But I'm sure wheter I say that or not, you will keep doubting because of this stupid ocd.. I myself am now 1 year struggling with pocd I believe but idk if its really my ocd because I dont have the typical "what if" thoughts etc. Anyways right now I think I'm also having another episode of ocd (see my topic) but I'm not even sure its my ocd.. Otherwise I wouldnt be worrying if I was 100% sure what I fear isn't real etc. And the problem is that it's difficult to be 100% sure this time. I used to have an episode last summer ( while "pocd" was still there so idk if it's possible to have 2 themes of ocd at once?) about my health. I would feel pain in my testicles and I searched for it on google and offcourse I ended up thinking I had testical cancer. I had the symptoms and thought I felt something that could be cancer. So I did go to my doctor and he felt and said I was fine. But this STILL wasn't enough for me to stop worryingabout it because I was really convinced I had cancer so I did go to the hospital for a scan and offcourse I was healthy and there was no sign of cancer and this finally calmed me. I even worried about having early alzheimers because I sometimes forget things or have headaches etc.. This is probably all just my stupid ocd but it feels so real in the moment.

Right now I have something that is so distressing and awful for me that I rather worry about being a pedo or having cancer. I'm a sort of convinced theres a ghost in my house and every day I find 'new proof'. It started when some of my figurines had moved. This couldve been my cat because she managed to get upstairs and probably was in my room. But I couldnt believe it was my cat because only 2-3 figurines had moved and the rest was untouched so thats weird and I began worrying and obsessing about a ghost/demon doing this all. The day after some have moved again and I panicked because this time it couldnt be my cat. I told some friends about it and they said that maybe I just forgot that I placed them there and was worrying for nothing. But this is all so weird and idk if its ocd or really a ghost or something paranormal. Collecting those figurines is an enjoyable and really important hobby for me, but it looks like that's all ruined now.. I feel like my figurines are "dirty" "possesed" "infected" being touched by a ghost or demon. While they were one of the most important material things for me.. I'm not sure if I get over it, I feel like just selling all my collection.. This makes me so sad..

Sorry that I typed so much about myself but I just wanted to let you know I know what it is like to be totally convinced of something due to ocd. (But I'm really not sure if its ocd or theres a real ghost touching my figurines)

As for the gay porn.. I am gay and I can be turned on by straight porn sometimes but not really by lesbian porn. I think maybe you are a sort of turned on because your mind is fixated on gay thoughts? Or your mind just sees sex and therefore you get turned on. From what you wrote you're not gay at all to me. Believe me when I say I never obsessed about wheter I was gay or not. It just felt normal and natural to me. Oh and by the way I thibk almost all LBGT people know theyre that way in their teen years already. I personally think it's rare for a person to "turn" gay at a later age. And if you really were gay you would be ok with it. Or atleast that's how I see it.

To me it sounds like you know deep within you you're not gay but your mind keeps tricking and deceiving you what makes it difficult to say what your orientation actually is. OCD is such #######4.. It ruins my life aswell.

Don't give up and someday you will be looking back at this laughing about how stupid it was. (Maybe while laying next to a beautiful wife? )

Good luck!