TOCD

I've posted on here before but it was mainly for HOCD. That has gotten a lot better. I've even gotten my attraction to men back. But TOCD has now creeped back up again. It all started when I had HOCD at first and I was trying to focus all my fantasies on males rather than females. So I thought about it for a males perspective. Then the thought came and I started slightly freaking out. I thought if I slept it off it would go away but it didn't. I woke up feeling depressed as ever. I started reading all the TOCD posts on this forum for a while. I started asking family members if I acted manly in anyway. I even asked my mum if I've ever been boyish as a child. They all said I'm not girly but I've never been manly either so I calmed down a bit. As a kid I can remember doing a lot of "girly" things like wanting long hair, wanting to be like the older girls, stealing nail polish from my sister, wearing this one dress that my mum had which I loved, playing with barbie dolls sets, and wearing crowns a lot. I loved doing all of these things. Even when I grew up and I stopped with he kiddies stuff I was still very much into makeup. Even though I wasn't allowed to were any I would watch all these makeup tutorials online. I would also wish for my body to be like other celebrities.I have always tried doing girly things and being like girls I idolise but whenever I do it I feel self conscious about the way I look which doesn't make me feel comfortable. I thought this meant I was unhappy being a girl. I have never ever ever once thought about being a boy. But one TOCD came I started feeling uneasy with my body. Especially my breasts. I was never really crazy about them because to me they are way too big. But I have never hated them. Now its like my attentions is on them 24/7 and it makes them feel strange. I get annoyed and want the feeling to go away so I spaz out and whine. Trans people said when they look in the mirror they don't see themselves as the gender they were born to. but when I look in the mirror i just see me, girl body and all. SO right now I am very confused. I'm not as scared. Which is sorta scaring me. But then again I can't find any real reasons to think I hate being a girl.

ijustwannabemeagain wrote: Then the thought came and I started slightly freaking out.

The "spike"

ijustwannabemeagain wrote: I started reading all the TOCD posts on this forum for a while. I started asking family members if I acted manly in anyway. I even asked my mum if I've ever been boyish as a child.

Compulsion

ijustwannabemeagain wrote: As a kid I can remember doing a lot of "girly" things like wanting long hair, wanting to be like the older girls, stealing nail polish from my sister, wearing this one dress that my mum had which I loved, playing with barbie dolls sets, and wearing crowns a lot. I loved doing all of these things. Even when I grew up and I stopped with he kiddies stuff I was still very much into makeup. Even though I wasn't allowed to were any I would watch all these makeup tutorials online. I would also wish for my body to be like other celebrities.I have always tried doing girly things and being like girls I idolise but whenever I do it I feel self conscious about the way I look which doesn't make me feel comfortable.

This list is a compulsion

ijustwannabemeagain wrote: I thought this meant I was unhappy being a girl. I have never ever ever once thought about being a boy. But one TOCD came I started feeling uneasy with my body. Especially my breasts. I was never really crazy about them because to me they are way too big. But I have never hated them. Now its like my attentions is on them 24/7 and it makes them feel strange. I get annoyed and want the feeling to go away so I spaz out and whine.

Key sentance: But one TOCD came I started feeling uneasy with my body. Typical of OCD. From personal experience I'd say it was because you're fearing the things that make someone trans (because you don't want to be yourself), and OCD loves to play on how we think etc. If you were fearing having a heart attack, it wouldn't be unusual to actually feel like you were going to have a heart attack.

The best way I try to deal with it is if i'm in a calm state and a thought pops up (ie "what if ...") to just think to yourself "so what if I do" and try to change your focus to something else, maybe reading a book or something because it's hard to read and think at the same time. But make sure you're focusing on the book and not on your thoughts.

Good luck

Thanks from making it clearer. Thing is yeah I have had TOCD (at least I think that's what it is before) and during that time it was horrible.I would take online tests, and watch videos of trans people which only scared me really. I would think about it 24/7 and I would ask people if I seemed more masculine than feminine. Then I would try to be more feminine than I actually am. But this time this isn't happening. This time it isn't 24/7..I forget about it then once i remember i get uneasy with my body and start to go on these forums. Its making me worried that I actually am a transexual. But i don't feel any strong persistent desire to be a boy. At least, I don't think I do. I don't know how to figure this out. My mind is playing games with me.

How did you get your attraction to men back? I've been suffering with TOCD and HOCD for months, and now I feel like my attraction to men has gone and will never come back or was never there to begin with. Which is rubbish because I've only ever had boyfriends, had maybe one or two crushes on girls, and I currently have a boyfriend who I really want to be with and have a good relationship with. I feel like it's trying to ruin my life :/