HOCD: does anybody else feel this way..?

Does anybody else, Who has been dealing with this hocd thing for a while, ever feel like things get muddled after a while? Like your intrusive thoughts don't really bring much anxiety anymore, probably because you've gotten used to them? At the beginning of my hocd, I had so much anxiety about being gay, hated it, couldn't even say the word out loud anymore. Lately, I personally have been feeling like I can't even tell if I hate the idea of being gay, and it's confusing because then I get sad and wonder if I have hocd anymore, or if I'm really questioning my sexuality. There's just so much doubt for everything, I can't even give a solid answer for anything involving this. And I think to myself, well hocd can't change you, but what if I've just changed all on my own?? Does anybody else feel this way? Please respond.

Yup

You're not alone

I feel the same way. Like I used to stay up all night thinking about it and now it's just a thought that runs in the back of my head. And it sometimes makes me more worried that I'm not anxious about it

Yes man we all have been there. It's a constant argument in our heads that we are not gay. Then we read material and explore websites about men that come out and then we think "oh I'm in denial. Maybe I am gay and just uncomfortable with it." We live with that thought for 2 minutes and then rethink our position. "No I'm not gay I've always liked women. I don't want to be with guys. But I saw two good looking guys when I rode the bus. That means nothing. 5 years ago I wouldn't have cared." It takes common interactions and warps them into "evidence" of homosexuality.

A personal issue I have is my mind focusing on the film "Moonlight." "Moonlight" is an American film that follows a gay black man through his life growing up in an impoverished Miami neighborhood. I haven't seen the film because of the subject matter. However, I went on Youtube to check the gay kiss scene to see if I liked it. I was freaked out by it, almost vomited and it felt awkward. Now my mind says "you weren't disgusted by that, you liked the kiss." So even when I have a negative experience with gay subject matter, my mind will turn it around as proof I'm gay.

I've had this for 11 years, from age 19-30. In this time I've never had any intimate encounter with a man. However, my mind will say I'm just closeted and afraid I'd like it. It's a curse for sure.