HOCD, Last Resort, Long story, please help

Hello everyone, I am a straight male, 23 years old struggling and trying to fight off HOCD. Throughout my entire life, I have only been attracted to women. I have only imagined having sex with, kissing, holding, sharing a life with a woman. I didnt have my first girlfriend until I was 20 years old but have been together with her since then. Every minute and day has been fantastic. I couldnt express enough how much I really do genuinely love her and enjoy being around her, even with this beast of an OCD problem. Now, time to delve into my problem. I guess my first encounter with this was freshman year of highschool. I was optimistic about meeting girls as I always had in the past. When I started highschool I befriended some guy from another town. We hungout in groups, always texted stupid bro $#%^ to eachother. No attraction. One night after hanging out, I thought to myself, is it kind of gay that I hang out and talk to my guy friend too much? This ate away at me progressively for that entire year. I avoided my friend, started questioning my sexuality and becoming straight up paranoid. I was still attracted to girls and wanted a girlfriend. I was nervous around guys, felt my mind notice guys arms and chest and face while watching baseball games, with again no attraction or arousal, just my mind wandering and trying to bring those things into focus. After a year it kind of just went away. It spiked again junior year of highschool but was able to mitigate it and didnt feel as #######5. Again, no arousal or attraction to men. Just wanted a girlfriend so bad. Fast forward, no problems or spikes in college until my junior year, which I have been with my beautiful girlfriend for two and a half years. I was extremely stressed about my internship because I didnt really enjoy it and I was being piled on with final projects while still in school. One day, in the middle of all this stress, my mind starting focused on one of my coworkers faces. Just face. It started asking questions like, do you think hes handsome? Good looking? Cute? Do you like that? I ######6 hated it. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt enraged that something like this would even bother me when I had a beautiful girlfriend. I had to take a few days off from my internship and it was during my spring break to rest my mind. I was a mess. I couldnt concentrate. I had this guys face stapled into my mind. With those intrusive questions, over and over and over again. I wouldnt admit I was gay or felt he was handsome or good looking because I genuinely didnt. And then I started to research my feeligns and stumbled across HOCD and felt relieved that people faced similar situations. I was able to strap down, buck up and pin point that I was stressed about school and my unhapiness with my internship. I was able to look at my coworker and not feel any sort of anxiety or questions. Fast forward to a year later to today and its all back but with a twist prior to the HOCD spike. Before I delve into this, I cannot truly express my strong attraction to women. I love my girlfriend. I love her face, her body, her personality, I love it all and the sex we have is always fantastic and I always loved it. Now to what led to my spike. Two weeks before this HOCD spike, I took a weed edible. Long story short, I had a bad trip, lost my $#%^ and had high ######6 anxiety for two weeks. Two weeks of feeling out of body and being in autopilot. I had accepted something was wrong with me and it all just kind of went away. I felt confident. I felt happy. I felt I could finally enjoy my life. I am now at a different full time job which I dont hate but it pays the bills. So I went to lunch with one of my coworkers and we usually go with one other person. Ive been working with these two guys for about 10 months now and never ever felt anything nor even acknowledged their looks. While my mind finally got over being so obsessed about being on autopilot after my bad trip, I wondered during lunch why my other coworker didnt tag along. All of a sudden my mind was like, "why do you care?" "you think hes good looking or something" I was like um no and got back to work after lunch and shurgged off the spike. Now dont get me wrong, my coworker that I randomly asked where he was isnt an ugly dude, but never in my 10 months of working with him did I even get bothered about how he looked. Nada. zip. zilch. I had no problems ever holding conversations with him and never thought much about him. Back on topic, I got home that day and hung out with family. Felt a bit on autopilot and I just relaxed and felt fine. Then I decided to masturbate. Watched one of my favorite videos of one of my favorite female pornstars and then the spikes kind of happened. My coworkers face popped up and kind of made it hard to masturbate but I was able to focus on the girl in the video and finish normally. I was relieved. Then stupid ass me was like watch my boner go away if I think of my coworkers face. To which my boner went away instantly, didnt bother me but then I started to question if doing something like that was kind of gay. It started to bother me that I had to resort to that to make a point and what I did was kind of gay, even though its not like I pictured masturbating to him, just doing a stupid HOCD check. I felt bothered that I couldnt be around or look at my coworker without thinking of what I did and being uncomfortable. I told myself not to bother with it, it happened, it was a stupid way to check, go to sleep, enjoy the weekend and you dont need to see your friend to prove that you didnt feel anything or feel uncomfortable. Boy i was wrong lol. The same things started happening like it happened last year. "Do you think hes cute?" " do you think hes handsome?" "do you like his face?" again i was able to dig deep and honestly say no. I didnt find anything attractive about him or picture myself enjoying his face or anything like that. Not anywhere how I see my girlfriends face and wanna kiss it and feel happy around. But for the past week, the HOCD has shaken me to my core. Every single second, intrusive questions and thoughts I knew werent true were popping up. I couldnt concentrate at work without thinking, "what if i am gay?", "what if you do like his face?" Again, no sense of attraction the way I feel about women and my girlfriend but the questions and his face planted into my mind wouldnt stop. I couldnt sleep. I cant eat. I have no problem with gay people, but I hoenstly just dont want to be gay. Deep down I could say "maybe i am gay and attracted to him" but honestly it doesnt sound like me. it doesnt feel like me. It just isnt me. Ive been able to hang out with my girlfriend and everything feels great. I feel whole. I feel grounded. I feel there and I feel love. No questions, no doubts, just enjoying her but the HOCD or whatever the hell this is has convinced me im just using those as a distraction. That i really am gay. That im attracted to my coworker. It has gotten to the point where I feel numb and want to give up and just settle for being gay, even if I dont feel truly attracted to men or feel any sort of arousal. I know i still feel for women, I can feel it and I can feel that love for my girlfriend but my mind has me convinced im gay and that i am gay for my coworker even if I just simply think hes a good looking dude. I dont know what to do. I dont plan on being gay. I dont plan on pursuing to be gay even if i give up. I still feel deeply attracted to my girlfriend and women. I just simply cant picture being with another guy or being aroused by one, even with my mind saying I am. I cant even watch a damn baseball game without my mind wandering being like oh look at his arms and chest, even thought I feel no arousal or attraction. Even just saying being gay makes me feel numb. I just want to be my happy self again. I want to love my girlfriend and not doubt that happiness I feel around her. I just want to be myself and choose to be just straight and get that irrational picture of my coworkers face out of my head and fear that im gay for him. I cant even walk to the other side of the office without fearing being gay when I see him. I just want to be me again. I dont feel attraction or arousal for him. I just simply dont. I want to be happy and to focus on my girlfriend again but this HOCD has convinced me im gay and i feel numb and I feel like im dying inside. Please help. I dont know how to handle this anymore

Honestly, you have classic hocd. If you go back and read your own post and treat it as if it was another person and not you, you still would tell that this is OCD. A lot of people who have been with this, including myself, can relate to your symptoms. The constant dread of being gay, repeatedly saying you don't want to be gay, feeling like you've in a way, almost "lost" a part of yourself, hence why you say you "just want to be yourself." I'm just going to repeat to you what a lot of people have said before. Fear fuels OCD. You need to get to a point where these thoughts don't bring anxiety to you. Where you can calmly imagine yourself being gay, but have it not bother you. And here's the thing, gays don't mind being gay just the way straight people don't mind being straight! You can't be something you don't want to be if it's in your hands. So get help if you can and seek therapy, especially ERP. Good luck!