Such a struggle today.

(Heads up: dark metaphor in beginning of second paragraph.)
I thought today was going pretty well. I managed to go shopping, I talked to a friend for several hours on the phone, I baked brownies, I watched a sort-of documentary on YouTube.

Now it's almost 7pm and so few people are actually talking to me. My SO still hasn't responded to any of my efforts to contact him. The thoughts are so awful. They make me think, what would an amazing guy like him want to do with a person like ME? I'm broken. I'm a mess. I'm almost 30 and I can't even make enough money to live on my own.

I try to counter the thoughts with logical, reasonable arguments, like if he didn't want me around he would've stopped a long time ago, or something. But then they just come back with stupid things like, nobody's talking to me, are they all upset with me? What did I do wrong this time? Do they all just put up with me and my little "idiosyncrasies" because to them it's easier to just let me think I'm "one of them" or whatever, than to tell me I'm an annoying, snobbish, ungrateful person -- et cetera! -- who is always so self-centered -- because I'll flip out and "turn on the waterworks" if they tell me what they really feel about me? Again, I try to counter-argue, because I know the people who are in my close circles aren't like that at ALL, they wouldn't lie to someone, or deceive others, or whatever. But it just... It doesn't help for very long.

I just. Can't. Freaking. Stand. These. Obsessive. Thoughts. They are driving. Me. Up. The. Wall!
I cry myself to sleep at night when I'm alone, in the dark, trying to fall asleep, with nothing but music in my ears to try and drown the stupid thoughts out -- and prayers to my Ancestors and my Gods to help take the thoughts away.

I don't even know what I'm looking for, posting this here. I dunno. Perhaps just to see that I ain't alone with this $#%^? I can't be the only one, right? I just want to cry, but I'm afraid if I start crying I'll never stop.

Hey I'm 30 myself and have had OCD most of my life and HOCD for 11 years. It's a debilitating disease based on our most irrational thoughts. You're not alone though and if you want to cry, then cry. Still just remember your SO loves you, your friends care about you and you are a wonderful person. OCD is based on lies, not truth. Also see a therapist, preferably one that specializes in OCD.