Need help with TOCD!

Since February this year i've been experiencing TOCD. In the past I've experienced POCD, fear of being a murderer and fear of being addicted to anything of a sexual nature. It started when I was experiencing the sexual addiction OCD earlier this year and was fed up with it, so I decided to get professional help. Some point between the decision to get help and getting help, the sexual addiction OCD died down and I was left with nothing to worry about. However, this didn't last because I got a sudden thought "what if the doctor I see thinks i'm actually trans when I describe the issue?". For reference, I experienced this theme in 2015 and it went away and I didn't question my gender between that point and now (so basically all of 2016) and before the initial start of the theme, I'd never given gender a second thought, Even after the 2015 one.

It's taken a bunch of different "sub" themes, such as the main one: what if i'm trans, and then when that went away I experienced "what if I want to become a woman in the future", and when that went away I experienced some physical sensations of having breasts, and having a vagina (both of which I don't want back anytime soon).

What's interesting and I think is worth a mention is that during the time of "what if in the future.." I actually thought to myself how much I doubt i'd see the return of the "what if i'm trans" one, because out of "ocd hours" I could see it was irrational. And now that's back, I think the "what if in the future.." is ridiculous, despite the fact at the time it seemed VERY real.

I will also get periods of about a few hours when I manage to reassure myself (bad, i know) that I'm not trans, and during these times i'll think to myself "I doubt this will come back" and in my non anxiety state I feel 100% comfortable with who I am at the moment (i.e also how i've felt my whole life).

I think I should also bring up how I posted about this in 2015 on another forum, and someone told me that it was probably just normal questioning, which at the time made me spike pretty bad, however when I re-visited the forum some point in 2016, I came across the comment and felt like replying "Thanks for your comment but it turns out that it WAS OCD".

Thanks for any replies

I understand your pain. I'm having the same TOCD as well. I've been having this obsession for 2 years now (ridiculous I know), but dude I've been having bad days where I'm not sure who I am. But OCD is just a bully that will feed on the reassurance and because of that its started to get more intrusive. I'm a male. I will always be one. Is what I say but again OCD keeps using reassurance as a way to escalate the situation. Anyways keep fighting it!

Hey enderman,

I find that too. I'll decide to start ignoring or shoving the thoughts off with a "thanks ocd but this isn't important" or something like this however it's like it has a secret agenda and no matter what will always find a way of catching me off guard I suppose that's how we distinguish it as OCD at work.

I don't really mind having the "was that you feeling female" or "is that you wanting to look like her" thoughts if they can be controlled.

Oh and finally, does your anxiety work off stereotypes? Or, if you do something you see a woman doing, it MUST mean something since you did the same thing as a female? I get that alot, a few weeks ago, I saw a girl holding a pen the same way as me, and then saw a boy who was holding his different to us, and ended up obsessing over how it must've meant something (when in reality it doesn't). I'm pretty much sure my therapist thinks I'm on something, don't think she really understands this "Pure O" S&£T but oh well

I suppose when it's not this what if it's another one, and it will carry on like that unless us we learn to put our foot down or learn to take what the intrusive thought says as a pinch of salt, but it's easier said than done (as I'm sure you're well aware) At the end of the day one day this won't be an issue for us, but until then, best of luck!