HOCD or actually bi? PLEASE HELP!

I'm a 22 year old female who's had quite a few OCD and anxiety related issues over the last few years potentially stemming from trauma I went through when I was younger (ROCD, irrational fear of being pregnant, health anxiety, etc.) and I've been dealing with what I think is HOCD intermittently for about a year and a half, although it's gotten much worse over the past three-ish months.

A bit of history: When I was 12 or 13, I thought I might be bi because I definitely noticed when girls were pretty and not a lot of my friends did, but I didn't necessarily get huge intense crushes on them like I did boys. A year later, I went through a really traumatic situation that basically made this whole anxiety rollercoaster I was already on (I'd been on meds since I was about 8 or 9) much worse, but I never really thought about girls like that again - once I even told a straight guy friend when we were talking about attractive people in our dorm, "I can see why people would go for her, if I was into girls I would" - and I knew for a fact then that I was straight and was very into men.

When it started at the beginning of my junior year of college, I had recently broken up with my then-boyfriend, who was going back to school really far away, and gone off meds. I had started to talk to other men on Tinder, but none of them really worked out. That was kind of when the "maybe I'll end up with a girl" thought popped into my head. I went about my life and was dealing with other OCD/anxiety related issues and didn't realize I'd been kind of checking out girls in a "I'm jealous of your legs/shoulders/butt" kind of way - never any crushes or imagining a future with them like I do with men. And then I was home sick from classes one day and watched this video on YouTube from a creator I liked and it was about bisexuality - I think this was the trigger, because a few weeks later I was looking at this girl who stood across from me in choir and was wondering if I was checking her out because I liked her outfit or because I was gay for her. That night, I took an "are you bi?" quiz and answered honestly - and the quiz basically stated that I was "a little curious", I was kind of just like you're you and you don't have to label anything, and that was the end of it for awhile.

Over the summer I started dating the same guy I'd broken up with before everything started, and ROCD developed - I was constantly afraid he was cheating, and I would constantly text him panicked to see if he was. I also started having panic attacks when I'd see him hanging out with female friends and teammates I didn't know, but we were able to work through it. During this whole time I was dealing with ROCD, I was very attracted to him, knew I wanted to be with him and never once doubted my attraction to men.

When school started again (was still dating this guy, but long distance) I found myself staring at my TA's boobs a lot, and started to wonder if maybe I was bi. I grew up in a really liberal and accepting home and my mom is actually somewhat into women herself, so I knew it would be okay if I actually was. At this point (November-ish), I wasn't thinking about it all the time, but I'd kind of discussed this a bit with a few of my friends, saying I wasn't really sure if I was straight or not, and most of them honestly weren't sure whether I was.

Right at the end of winter break (January), my ex and I broke up. At this point I was still panicking over the "maybe I'll end up with a girl and that's why we broke up" kind of thing, so I changed my settings on Tinder to men and women to see if I really was bi. I started matching with conventionally "pretty" girls, but I always got too afraid to talk to them, got really embarrassed when I saw them in person and realized that I definitely wanted to talk to men more and be in a relationship with a man, etc.

Right around this time I went back on meds... and I found out that the girl from choir who initially sparked the thoughts was gay and that made the whole thing worse. First I started worrying that I was actually a lesbian and I didn't like men at all, but my head kept telling me that made no sense. Then the next logical path my brain took was that I'm bi and prefer women, but that also didn't make sense because I really, really, really like men. Then it was that I'm 50-50 bi, but that also didn't make sense given my history. Then it was where I'm at now, where my head is telling me that I'm bi and strongly prefer men, which I guess makes sense but still doesn't feel RIGHT.

I'm constantly worrying about this. I get random groinals just like a lot of people on here struggling with HOCD, I look up sexuality related stuff a ton, and most of my friends are convinced at this point that there's no way I'm straight, which makes me panic even more. I honestly don't know what I am, and if I'm actually bi I just want to know for sure to get it over with. Ugh.

Hello. I'm a 30 year old man and I've had HOCD for 11 years (since age 19). What you posted sounds like textbook HOCD. I'll try to keep things simple.

1. Don't ask your friends about your sexual orientation as they don't know. What makes HOCD such a hard obsession to beat is that there is no definitive answer. People with STD OCD can take a test to prove they're negative. People that check doors can confirm they're locked. People with ROCD can generally confirm if their significant other is cheating, hopefully they aren't. However with HOCD the only person that knows your orientation is you. No one else can determine. When HOCD initially hit me I went to Yahoo Answers and asked people what they thought. I received answers I did not like. Peple said I should experiment or I should make a decision to be gay or straight. One person said, it sounds like a case of OCD and that's how I learned about HOCD.

2. It may not be good to research human sexuality as it'll cause you to spike. Your issue is OCD not your sexual orientation. I was too scared to read coming out stories or study human sexuality on the off chance I was gay and in denial. The general consensus is that your sexual orientation can't be changed or converted. Still, that's not going to alleviate your HOCD because it'll make you believe you were always gay but weren't aware of it.

3. You can say you're gay or bi, but the fact is you won't settle for it. There were countless times I said I was gay only to deny it and tell myself this doesn't feel right. I knew I liked women since I was 5 or 6. I've never had a girlfriend but I've always liked women. The feelings I've had for crushes were much greater than any feeling I've had for a man. I've never wanted to have an intimate encounter with any man. Yet OCD will make you rationalize the irrational. Now any time you look at a pretty woman you'll think "she's hot I want to date her" even though you know that to be false.

I hope this helps.

I struggle with HOCD as well so I totally understand how you are feeling!! The post above mine does a great way of summing things up and I totally agree with what they said. No matter how much you check or test your sexuality, or try to think really hard and decide what you really are, you will never come to a conclusion. Because this is OCD. The fact that you're thinking about it so much and it's causing you so much anxiety like you described is a really big indication that this is an OCD issue. I totally agree with the person above me who talked about HOCD being a little different because the only one who can determine your sexual preference is you. This makes it extremely difficult and to me, produces much more anxiety for me because there's a lot less certainty!! I mean, with every form of OCD, even if they get concrete proof that their fears aren't rational or true, they still worry, because that's the nature of OCD. But with your sexuality, it's so much more up to you and a lot less concrete. But that's why it's so necessary to go to therapy and get to accepting that. You've got to learn to live with uncertainty, because you were before. You said before you could think a girl was pretty, even look at her butt, and not think really anything of it! And that's a healthy thing to do as a straight person, just means you're appreciating beauty. But now you're hyperanalyzing everything. That's OCD completely and I know it's scary but therapy can help you.