I'm desperate... How to stop fearing demons?

So, my story is quite long, but I will try and condense it.

I have seizure disorder which I am currently undergoing exams for to see if it's epilepsy. Anyway, on top of that I have complex post traumatic stress disorder and recently had a psychotic episode (late 2015 - early 2016), where I was being attacked by demons, it was most awful. Anyway, after coming this far in my recovery I'm of the mind that the demons weren't really real supernatural entities. But it still feels like they often are.

Here is the problem:

Whenever I get triggered about the psychotic experiences (and therapy has shown me it can literally be the tiniest things that trigger me).... my mind automatically shuts the thoughts down with the religious/Christian response "I rebuke this in Jesus name", or "I plead the blood of Jesus", or even just "Jesus!... it makes me feel safe. The issue is it's 100% compulsive and automatic and absolutely horrible (and I don't really believe in Jesus anymore... it's just a result of my family background). I may say these phrases up to hundreds of times in a day alone. The worst thing is it doesn't even help! It just spirals my anxiety even further.

I looked up how to treat this and I saw exposure and response prevention. Unfortunately my therapy sessions on the NHS have come to an end now (although my doc is trying to get me on the system again, and who knows how long that will take), before we even got a chance to talk about this, so I am incredibly afraid to do this on my own. I am just wondering where I should go from here? Should I do it very gradually and slowly on my own?

I am just sick of this mental compulsion, it's exhausting and anxiety-provoking. I can't do meditation or anything to calm my mind because it seems to induce seizures in me. So I'm stuck. I am currently taking anti-depressants for the anxiety (Fluoxetine and Amitriptyaline, I was also on the anti-psychotic Olnazapine last year), so they have definitely helped tons compared to before I was on them. I mean I can function now whereas I couldn't before. But this compulsion ruins all my fun in life(imagine enjoying an icecream with a friend and then something random triggers you and then you have to repeat those phrases over and over again in your head until you calm down... ruins my enjoyment)

So yeah... that is basically me. Looking for answers. I'm determined to do this on my own if I have to and confront my fears, but I want some advice first.

Thanks.

Dear Sheon:

At the age of thirty, after 25 years or so of performing OCD compulsions, I convinced myself that the ones I was performing were not keeping me safe from danger, somehow I came to believe that, and I stopped most of the compulsions. Fast forward, I noticed I was performing light compulsions before eating, like re-arranging the table. What I have been doing is resisting the drive to perform the compulsion. The more I resist, over time, the weaker the compulsion. I read about weakening the connection between the thought/obsession and the act/compulsion by not perform the act, in your case it would be saying the jesus sayings. It is working.

No matter how anxious, how strong the drive to say it, don't- over time it will get less difficult.

atina

Hi, thank you so much for responding. I guess what you are saying is similar to exposure and response prevention. In fact my uncle told me the same advice as you just did, but I find it harder to do in reality because I don't seem to have any conscious control over my compulsive thoughts - a lot of the time I won't even realize I've been repeating them to myself, it is not just a bad habit but they are intrusive and unconscious.

So I wondered if I purposely triggered myself and sat with the fear and resisted, just for short periods of time each day would break that unconscious cycle?

Dear Sheon:
I understand the thoughts happening before or without you paying attention to them, and the compulsions happening also outside of your attention, and so, how can you resist them?

There is a practice called Mindfulness- it is a great focus in current psychotherapy. The skill and practice of Mindfulness is the paying attention. It starts with guided meditations guiding you to pay attention to your breathing, to sounds you hear, sights you see (the five senses), and it goes on with ongoing, "moving meditation"- paying attention to the five senses when you wash dishes, walk, do anything. Continuing to paying attention to what you feel and what you think.

The process of developing mindfulness takes time and practice. Over time your ability to pay attention, that is, to be mindful, grows and grows. Eventually, you will be able to identify the obsessions and the compulsions before they take place, and then, you will have the choice to resist.

atina