Hocd. Is it hocd? Am i just a closet gay

Hey everyone, this won't be short and I'm looking for answers.

I believe that I am suffering from HOCD. Here's my story;

I started watching porn at around the age of 12, (I am now 20) and this soon became an addiction and I would be watching porn when I woke up, when I took my shower and when I went to bed. As many of you already know novelty always needed to be met. From normal pictures to videos, to anal, to lesbian, to different cultures, to water and scat porn and eventually to transgendered porn.

I've had two girlfriends, one from the age of 15-17 which the sex was amazing but I remember having early signs of PIED. My second girlfriend from 18-19 which the sex was terrible and Viagra was the only way to get it up for longer then a minutes and the sex was awful. Both relationships were rocky to say the least with constant fighting and such but I loved them both to death and imagined myself having kids etc etc.

I started to have signs of depression at the age of 16 due to the high level of porn use but I did not realize that at the time. About two months ago I came to a Realization that I do have a porn addiction and a lot of my problems in life are due to it and here's where it gets bad for me;

Once realized that I had a porn addiction and I was watching all these ###$ up things my HOCD really kicked in- i don't even look at girls anymore as I did in the past. When I go outside, when I go to the gym , when I'm on Facebook or instagram I constantly just look at the guy and I constantly check if I like that, do I see myself with that, am I gay, were those last 6 years of being into girls fake, was I always gay? Am I not masculine ? Is the way I speak or walk gay or even think gay? Can I ever even like a girl again? I work in an environment full of men and I have to sit down with a lot of them and go over they're finances, whenever this happens my mind keeps questioning and thinking do I think they're attractive, would I like to be in a sexual experience with them -to the point of me visualizing a sexual experience and feeling sick to my stomach for hours after this thought - I can't even talk to another guy without stressing and thinking all these things even if they're gross looking and fat and smell like $#%^.


This time last year i had none of these thoughts and i would always be looking to meet new girls but now I can't even seem to want to meet new girls because this is what my mind takes priority on. I've had crushes on girls since as early as I remember and never ever doubting myself on them until now.


Please if anyone has any information or knowledge or experience on what I am going through please let me know.

Hy sounds like HOCD to me. I was afflicted with it at 19 but had minor bouts when I was in high school. It's hard for me to look at attractive men, without spiking. Sometimes I'll google nice looking men to see if I like them. Of course, I never get the answer I want. I've liked women since I was 5 or 6 but had very little success with them. I attribute my failures to establish positive intimate relationships as a catalyst for my HOCD.

I was a wreck during my initial bout with HOCD in May 2006 and it had a major grip on me for roughly a year. I found the website brainphysics in August 2006 and that made things a little easier. I had an outlet and knew I was not alone. unfortunately that site closed down in 2012 and there are few forums specifically geared towards HOCD.

I would say keep going to the gym and keep working. If you find a guy attractive so what? I would also cut back on watching porn.