Please help me - TOCD, HOCD, ROCD

Hello all

Thank you in advance for any help you might be able to offer me. For the last few months I've been suffering with ROCD, it attacked how I view my partner, how I view myself, made me imagine abuse when there's never been any from him or me. Then it made me question my sexuality - maybe I was just attracted to girls and there'd never be any coming back from it. Then I wondered if maybe I was really a transboy and didn't know it. The worries about being a lesbian or a boy hadn't started til after my friend who recently had a break up started saying how she broke up with her transgirlfriend saying that she felt unsure about her own sexuality, this was just over a week ago. My brother is a transboy and I worry that somehow I'm going to 'catch the trans', or that I've always stuck up for him because really I'm trans. Before this I'd considered myself a feminist and had been happy in my female body. But now I look down and worry that I've never wanted this body, and I'm getting memories I don't remember ever having that try to tell me I've always wanted to be a boy. But I've always liked my long hair, I've always liked doing things for both genders and not felt bad for it. But now I'm second guessing everything I do and everything I say. I even worry that I'm only attracted to my boyfriend because I want to be a guy, or that I only like the feminine features of my body because I want that in a woman. I've never been happy with my weight and now something in the centre of my mind is trying to scream that that is because I've always been trans. I don't want to be trans, but I feel a lot of pressure from the trans community on different forums, that the slight discomfort or confusion about gender must mean that I'm trans and 'NEED TO TRANSITION', that having had a tomboy phase means I must be trans. I'm worried that not being worried enough must mean I'm a boy. That reading the words 'I'm a boy' doesn't cause enough fear anymore so therefore I must be a boy, or that somehow they make me happy - I DON'T WANT THEM TO MAKE ME HAPPY. I WANT TO FEEL LIKE A WOMAN. For the last 4 years I've loved dressing girly, felt comfortable in dresses and heels, and now I'm worried that somehow I was just convincing myself I liked it. Please someone help me before I do something dramatic

From your post it definitely sounds like you could be Pure-O. I suggest you look into getting some counselling and psychotherapy, not sure if you've shared this information with anyone in your life but I recently started seeing a psychotherapist and just having a lot of things off my chest really helped.

I get a lot of problems with 'HOCD' and other obsessive thoughts and it sounds like you are just obsessing and ruminating on this subject. It sounds familiar because you are searching your past for reassurance, before you started feeling like this, you never did that and it felt normal because you weren't in the viscious cycle of self doubt.

I would definitely recommend searching the BACP website and finding a councillor in your area, that's where I found my therapist. It helps, it can be expensive (around £30 for an hour) but it's a massive step in the right direction.

Thank you for the advice and reassurance. I'll definitely take a look at the website. The mental health crisis team are coming to see me tomorrow, as I was in such a state that I had to go to A&E as I truly believed I was a danger to myself. My boyfriend is coming home from university as soon as he can to see me and make sure I'm alright. The sad thing is, this morning first thing when I woke up I thought "Ahh, I'm myself, Megan, I'm a girl" and within 30 seconds it spiraled into the doubts and anxiety and thinking I'm a boy. It's really distressing and confusing. I really want it to be just Pure-O, I just want to be myself and a girl again and keep a hold of my boyfriend. If I don't get anywhere with the crisis team tomorrow I'll definitely take a look at the site. Thanks JoeMcd

It's not a problem at all, I really hope that you can find some way to make progress soon. There WILL be a time in your life when you'll look back and this will all be a distant memory. We've all just got to stay strong and remember it!

This website might also help you understand what steps can be taken to try and help ourselves.
But I must add it will be very important to see a professional and someone who can actually diagnose Pure-O and any other disorders. But here is some information for you on it anyway.

http://www.ocduk.org/sites/default/file ... -o.pdf.pdf

It helped me a lot!

Hope you feel better!

Thanks, i really hope this will all be a distant memory. It feels like it's playing with my memories changing or altering ones that are there, but then it feels so real. Feels like it's already convinced me, which sucks. Thanks for the help, the link you sent is really helpful

Ok me it's very clear your struggles right now are due to OCD. The thing I have to remind myself when things get overwhelming is that I have control over what I do. So this pressure you feel from different forums or any other communities is scary but you do not have to live according to that. I would suggest not going on other forums for trans people because if you have OCD about this that can be considered a compulsion if you are trying to compare yourself to them or get answers from them. Going on those websites will only further freak you out. I know it's scary but in the moment you just have to breathe and tell yourself you do not have to do anything you don't want to do. And i know your mind tries to convince you or find evidence that you do want to be gay or trans but guess what? This distress you're feeling over it is kind of self evident that that's NOT what you want. I do not think you want to be a guy, if you did you'd feel happy at the thought of living as a male. And your mind will try to trick you to think that you'd like that too, but ultimately just remember you do not have to do anything you don't want to. Breathe. See an OCD specialist, to me the fact that you're having so many obsessions like this that is taking over your life is clear evidence of your OCD. Best wishes